In a lesbian relationship, but questioning my sexuality??

I know that the title sounds horrible, but please hear me out.

I've known I probably wasn't straight since I was 12 or 13. Around this time I was looking for answers about my sexuality and ended up exchanging dirty messages with a girl online. I felt very guilty and ashamed afterwards and all of these feelings became linked with my sexuality. Since then I have played around with a few different labels. At different points in my life I've identified as lesbian, straight, bisexual, heteroflexible, homoflexible, pansexual, literally everything. But I've never been 100% sure of what I truly am. It was really stressful for a long time, but I was finally able to push aside these feelings and made a conscious decision to date boys and ignore any feelings I had for women. I decided not to address these questions until they became an issue.

Flash forward a few years, and I met her. As soon as we met I knew that this was different from any other friendship. We got very close very quickly. I thought I was falling in love with her. I went through so many stages of denial, of acceptance, of wanting to make a move or being terrified to actually love her. This went on for over a year before we kissed and decided we wanted to be more than friends one night while we were drunk. That was 2 months ago and since then things have been a little crazy.

I have anxiety and some OCD tendencies, mainly when it comes to my inner self and not completely understanding myself. So naturally, I was happy, but also conflicted. I've had more crushes on guys than on women, but I'm not sure if it's just because that's what society expects of me? Thinking back on my last relationship (with a boy), I feel that things were sort of awkward and I was very nervous all the time, but that may just be because it was my first relationship, and he realized he was gay in the first few months but carried on with our relationship for over a year. Naturally I was scared of that happening to me again, or doing that to her. I was afraid that I would be with her forever, afraid that I wouldn't be with her forever. I also still had that constant fear in the back of my head, "what if I'm lying to myself and I'm not really gay". As time goes on, our relationship becomes more and more physical. I think she's very beautiful and sexy and just making out with her can make me more aroused than I've ever been in my life. I love kissing her and touching her, but last time I was at her house we took off our shirts and bras. It was nice but the whole time I felt a little detached from the experience. I was so preoccupied with thoughts of "do I enjoy this" that I couldn't actually enjoy the experience. Since then I've felt physically sick because I'm afraid that I'm not gay. Every few hours I am having severe anxiety attacks because I am scared that I will have to break up with my girlfriend whom I love more than I've ever loved anyone before, or that I will stay with her forever and never be 100% happy. I've honestly thought about killing myself so I don't have to make this choice.

I'm so sorry that this got so long, but it's been really weighing me down and it feels nice to get it off my chest. Basically what I'm asking is, do you think I'm really gay? What do think my sexuality might be? If you think I'm gay and in denial, how should I learn to accept my sexuality and myself? If you think I'm not gay, what should I do about my girlfriend? I really do love her more than anything in the world and I would rather die than have to hurt her like that. This is tearing me apart, any help or advice you can give me will mean the world to me!!

And if you read all this, thank you so much. You're a trooper

 

Thanks for the great advice!!! I feel like I know these things already but hearing someone say them has calmed me down a little?
I think that my issue isn't based on my sexuality per say, but more on my anxiety. I think if I could get help with that it would be a lot easier to sort things out if I could get that under control. Does anyone have any suggestions for ways to cope/get help? It's affecting not only this but all aspects of my life and I think I'm ready to get some help.
I do really really love her. We were best friends before we were dating so I sometimes worry it might be platonic love that I'm confusing with romance, but I don't think I would feel this strongly about a friend. Is that possible?

 

That's possible I guess. How would I get over that? It was such a long time ago...

 

Oh okay! That does make sense I guess. My family isn't particularly homophobic, but it's always there under the surface. I'm very close with my mother, and she often says things like "his parents must be so ashamed to have a gay son", or "that girl seems too nice and pretty to be a lesbian". She also thinks that bisexuals, or anyone who can love more than one gender, don't exist and are just "whores" who want to "sleep with everything that moves". So that's why I haven't come out to her, I guess

I have told my brother, and he's supportive and accepting.

But my mom is obviously a big worry for me. Maybe I feel ashamed because I grew up hearing her say all these nasty things? I didn't inherit any of her beliefs obviously, so I'm not sure. I love her so much so it's hard to hear her talking about me like that, even though she doesn't know she's actually talking about me. I'm very feminine and nobody thinks that I'm anything other than straight, so my mom probably doesn't suspect anything. It's going to be quite the shock for her when I do come out :icon_sad:

---------- Post added 19th Jul 2014 at 12:23 PM ----------

Thank you so much for sharing this with me!! It's nice to know I'm not the only one who has experienced these feelings. I think therapy is probably my next step to feeling better about this, thanks for your advice