I am so turned around. Thinking back to past experiences, feelings, thoughts. I don't know what to make of all of it. If I were gay, or bi, I would know it. you don't go through puberty and not know something like that (I believe?). But if I'm just plain old straight, what's with the weird stuff? I did grow up as a very sheltered catholic, home schooled and everything, but many children of sheltered religious families still know their sexuality. I feel like maybe through my teens something was off, and when I lived in a dorm I was known for being especially disgusted by my dorm mates bodies, even though the rest of the girls didn't worry about it so much. I also developed a fascination with homosexuality and got into yaoi, but yuri made me uncomfortable. However, I don't feel like I can rely on memory of thoughts and emotions in my teens since memory tends to get skewed. I would go online, or do role play games, and get off on people calling me as a male or sexually playing as a male. I even lied about being a gay guy before (I know, not a cool thing to do), the fact that they really thought I was a guy was especially thrilling. My ex wanted me to use a strap on on him, I found that thought to be very exciting but never got do it. I hate both cuddling and kissing. I think it's uncomfortable and gross. I don't get emotionally attached after sex even though women are suppose to have some kind of chemical reaction, to me it feels like scratching and itch. I have dated and fallen in love with guys before, but haven't been interested in anything but scratching for over a year. A women's touch has always felt better, like doing hair or giving back massages. But again, if that meant anything I would think I would know it. I don't know what I'm suppose to make of all of this. Help!:help:
I realized it at 35 yo. I think most people realize it in their teens but there's actually no rule about it and some of us have that aha moment later in life. It depends on many factors. In my case what probably protected me from knowing was the completely gay-free environment I was growing up in and then my gender identity. I really didn't know that being gay is an option back then and even though there were rare moments when I was thinking about girls sexually I never took those fantasies seriously because I was male-ish in them. I believe I have very male-like brain, yet I don't desire to transition and live the rest of my life as a man. On the other hand I don't feel enough female to call myself one. Figuring this out helped me to understand my sexuality. Btw do you think you question your orientation, gender identity, or both? And I can totally get what you mean by that lack of attachment after sex. The very second it's over with I "switch off" and just wanna go home. Maybe it'll be different with a woman, Idk...
Hi Paris I must say, I'm very new to all this and am shocked in what I've learned in less than a week of just being on this forum. I've been told that I just need to go try it, and that a person doesn't need to try anything to know what they like. I've heard there are people who swear blind that you know it from an early age or else you're either just going through a phase or are some kind of fluid type thing. I think gender identity confusion comes more from going against culture than it does nature, so I'm not too worried about that if that makes any sense. I feel like my situation was similar to yours, I didn't even understand why the outback steakhouse was open on fridays during lent let alone that homosexuality was humanly possible. In my teens I knew but, who knows. I guess I'm just wondering how someone could not know when so many swear legit gay/bi people do without all the confusion at a later age. That and the male persona thing, I know yaoi is pretty normal for a hetro female but that? That's just.. odd, I would think? Thanks so much
1,000 people = 1,000 different stories. :icon_wink I think that you don't need to try to be with the same sex to know you're gay but some people may need harder evidence to be sure. It's very individual. When you're in denial about being gay it becomes difficult to distinguish between what's real and what's not sometimes and it makes you doubt your gut feelings. I really think that the mind is a funny thing. I wouldn't say your interest in yaoi is odd. I know there are many straight girls who ship lesbian couples on the TV shows and I don't think it's weird. We're humans and can feel emotions when two people are kissing and stuff, gender doesn't matter. Btw there are many lesbians who prefer watching gay male porn.
Lesbians like gay male porn. Mmmkay, I'm just gonna give up on trying to understand things and just... go with whatever may come. I'm being told that gay/bi people really know, but then this here forum topic exists with the same questions posted over and over without resolution so, maybe we should all just stop trying so hard, go about our day and if someone special comes along, it may or may not give us answers but then it won't really matter. Thanks so much
