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need to just get this out of my system

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by disneyboy, Jul 19, 2014.

  1. disneyboy

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    North Carolina
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    So I'm starting to accept the fact that I'm pretty much gay and I just need to write something about it. This may be super long and I highly doubt anyone wants to read it but I just need to try and figure this whole situation out.

    I really don't like the idea of me being gay. Ok sometimes I want to kiss guys but the whole thing seems.....weird for me. Since I was young I thought I liked girls, even dated some. Then in middle school there was this that changed things. It's a long story but we got put together on a science project and we had different ideas for how to do it. Man..I hated him so much but we did an amazing project. After wards I thought we'd never have to talk again until we had to sit together in 8th grade. We sorta became friends and got close until I sorta kissed him once or twice. Well a bunch of Times. I guess this is the place to be honest. That ended quickly and i regret it a lot. Not the kissing but the fact that it ended. I remember he wanted us to become really close and we would pass notes in class and we had a lot in common. One day we were behind the school and he told me that his friends had dared him to hold my hand in the hallway today. That was odd since no one knew about us but people had asked why we were such good friends if we hated each other the year before. I laughed it off like it was preposterous. A week later he told me we had to stop and I regret it ever since. When I think back on it, I'm pretty sure he came up with the dare himself and that he was ready for a real relationship, while I was too immature to realize this. I still remember how hurt he looked when I laughed and hate myself for it. But he moved eventually and I assured myself it was a phase but those simple moments were beyond anything I'd ever felt for a girl and I began to notice different things. Like my friends and I would watch hunger games and they'd constantly talk about Jennifer Lawrence but my mind would be on josh hutcherson. Stuff like that. He moved and I thought things would go back to normal. Even then I still missed him and I'm actually smiling just thinking about him. I try not to but it's involuntary. Like when I watch harry potter and realize why I liked draco so much when I was younger. I think he was my first crush and I never knew it.. But I pushed it down and assured myself I was straight. Id dated girls but the whole time id think about guys. I really tried to stop it and thought i was normal until this year. A new guy came to my school and I honestly wish he hadn't. I couldn't focus with him there. He was the kind of person I wouldn't even look twice at normally but he's just ...I don't know ..awesome? Like he's a eagle scout and into super heros and a gamer and kinda goofy. He just wears shorts and a tshirt every day even in Wint. Normally I probably wouldn't Notice him buy something just draws me to him. He's such a great person and I love listening to him talk and tell stories since he's really funny. I even found myself watching star wars, which I hate, just because he likes it. In class I couldn't stop looking at him I still remember every feature of him. That's why I couldn't wait for summer. Nit seeing him for months made me think I was normal, until I went to a pool party and he was there seriously don't know why I feel this way but I can assume I'm gay. I think of girls and I know it's "right" to date them but that just doesn't appeal to me. Even if guys are wrong I'm just..drawn to them. I don't know what to do about this but it's very scary. I don't have anything against gay people and some of my friends know about this situation but it all just seems confusing and I feel lost. I struggle with putting my thoughts and feelings into words but this is really complicated for me.
     
    #1 disneyboy, Jul 19, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2014
  2. TJ

    TJ
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out to everyone
    I'm glad to see that you're writing about your feelings, however jumbled and confusing they may be. It really does help you process them, I assure you.

    The feelings you described are remarkably similar to those that I felt growing up. I always noticed the boys in movies, always focused on the boys in class, always had the crushes on boys in school, but I never wanted to imagine actually being with a boy.
    It's funny, I actually noticed Draco Malfoy in Harry Potter too, haha. :lol:

    I guess my point is that you're not alone. Most of us have been where you are, and while figuring yourself isn't the easiest thing to do, you're taking great steps in the right direction by posting these thoughts.
    If you ever want to talk one on one, my PM is always open to you, friend. (*hug*)
     
  3. AKTodd

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    Hi there:smilewave

    There's nothing wrong with you or the feelings you're having toward guys. It common for people to equate 'normal' with 'good', but think about it:

    Star athletes are not normal. Award winning actors and chart topping singers are not normal. Nobel prize winning scientists are not normal. Neither Mozart, Einstein, nor Da Vinci were normal. Amazing sunsets and rainbows - totally not normal. But I bet you're going to have to search to find many people who consider them bad because of that.

    Some people will tell you that being with girls is 'right'. From what you've said, they probably already have in a general way. Most of society does in a general. But all that really means is that it is right for them, not as any sort of universal truth. If being with guys is right for you, than it's right for you and there's nothing wrong with it.

    You can build a wonderful life for yourself as a gay man just as much as if you were a straight man. Truly:thumbsup:

    Todd
     
  4. Samantha2014

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    Hey Disneyboy

    Those moments when your friends are all on about how hot a character is when secretly your checking out the other one, I absolutely get that!
    Those moments when your brain is full of stuff that makes no sense but your heart skips a beat at the mention or proximity of the person and you just cant think about them without smiling, their in lies the truth:icon_wink
    Thank you for your post, it reminded me of some good times,

    Perhaps if you keep posting it will be like a bread trail and you wont feel so lost because you can trace where you've been whilst you explore where you go next.
    (*hug*)