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Confessions of a Wannabe

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Jguy365, Jul 21, 2014.

  1. Jguy365

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Fort Wayne, Indiana
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Ok, here goes nothing. Until now, all of this information has been kept confidential between me and God. I've never told anyone this, but...
    I think that I *might* be gay. I say might because I am just not sure how I really feel about men. I've never had romantic feelings towards a man, but I nave fantasized about getting...intimate...with men. The thing that first got me attracted to men was my extreme want to be smarter and more athletic. I have a simple personality and a simple body. My whole life, I have been surrounded by guys who are taller, stronger, smarter, funnier, richer, more outgoing...the list goes on. I began to fantasize about being like them. This started when I was in 7th grade back in 2009. This led me to begin to have strange fantasies of me being somehow consumed by one of those guys so they could make me into someone more like them. This also led to an unwanted vore fetish. I don't really know how, but somehow those fantasies went sexual, and I had visions of getting intimate with them. Then, in 9th grade, I discovered gay porn. Throughout high school, I went through phases with it. Over and over, watch gay porn, repent. Watch gay porn, repent..Sometimes I got over it for extended time periods, but the desire always came back. To add more confusion, I have had crushes on girls but never on men. (that being said, I have never dated.) I am now out of high school and away from those guys who I wanted to be like. I had hopes that the gay desires would disappear, but they are worsening. As of late, I have resorted to using online chat rooms to sexy and trade pictures. Last night, I had a dream that I had a boyfriend...and I liked it.

    The bottom line is this: I am very LGBT right now, but I want to finally settle for one letter. i am confused because (confession) I kind of want to be gay but don't feel romance towards men. (not yet, anyway.) What is my sexual orientation?
     
  2. AKTodd

    Full Member

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    Well, given that you indicated on your profile that you're male, we can probably mark 'L' off the list of options:slight_smile:

    Rather more seriously, when I first started experiencing same-sex attractions, romance had nothing to do with it - it was all about lust. Part of that probably comes from my first experiences being purely hookups and kind of hitting me out of the blue since I didn't really think of myself as a sexual person of any orientation before then. And I had decided I had no interest in marriage (usually a concept with strong romantic overtones in our society) before I hit high school.

    I also went through a phase as a kid of wanting to be like various guys in terms of physique or skill at something or whatever. Still do to some degree, but I've learned to channel it to drive myself to work harder.

    In your case, if your introduction to gay feelings was porn, then there probably wasn't a lot of romance involved in most of what you were seeing. For that matter, there still aren't a lot of 'pro-romance' images and messages in the gay world compared to the straight world - although the number has increased hugely as marriage equality gains ever more traction. Virtually no gay romance concepts when I was in HS or college.

    It's possible you just haven't had the exposure to the idea of gay romance and so it will take time to kind of percolate through. It's also possible that you're just not that into romance with a guy just yet and just want to get into the sex side of things right now. That's not all that unusual for young men (and women) and as long as you play safe, then there's nothing wrong with it either. After some time to get the sexual curiosity out of your system, to get to know some guys as people as well as sex partners, and maybe to encounter someone who you really click with both sexually and otherwise, you may very well start to feel romantic feelings for a guy. Possibly when you least expect it:slight_smile:

    Personally, I'd avoid the picture swapping stuff as that can come back to haunt you. Perhaps you could get involved with some meetup groups, your local LGBT center, or some sports teams to get to know some gay folks as real people. Or you could check out the bars, which can vary from fun places to socialize (And yes, hookup) to places that just aren't your thing at all. It varies with the person and the vibe of a particular bar. If you decide to check them out, I'd recommend trying several in the area to get a sense of the variety. You might find you like one in particular or that bars just aren't your thing. Or something in between.

    Finally, if and when you decide to try doing stuff with a guy in person - be very up front about what you want, your experience level, and that you are looking for someone who is willing to take the time to show you the ropes and not push you faster/farther than you are willing to go. And will be willing to make sure you have a good time while you're learning. There's also various things to look out for to be safe, like meeting first in a public place and talking for a bit, following your gut if its telling you something doesn't feel right, and bringing your own condoms (Rule #1: NOTHING happens in the intercourse department without a condom being used). But that's stuff you can get more detailed information on on EC or online in general if/when you are ready.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd:thumbsup:
     
  3. Jguy365

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    161
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    Location:
    Fort Wayne, Indiana
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    First things first, I'm only 18 so gay bars are out of the question. I'm in a position right now where meeting people is difficult. I graduated from high school in June and am not planning to attend college. My job is, as the economists say, underground. I am working for a man who owns a few houses that need work done. It is just me, so it's not like working at a store or corporation where there are guys to meet. I don't have my own car (though I should soon) and am still living at home, so participating in an LGBT community would be hard to hide. (my family has no knowledge about my feelings towards guys.) It's easy for me to crave gay intercourse when I'm laying in bed and am in the mood, so to speak, but I'm not sure how I would react in real life...though, the more I think about really doing it, the more enticing it feels. For now, I wait. Once I get a little more freedom, we'll see what happens. If the opportunity presents itself for me to get intimate with a guy, I will probably take it. The picture trading is an unwanted side effect of holding in my feelings and not being able to share them. I feel a bit better now having confessed on this website, so hopefully that will stop. Thanks for your advice.
     
  4. AKTodd

    Full Member

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    Your age will change one way or the other. The other factors you mention can (almost certainly will) also change, given a bit of time, effort, and luck (aka living your life).

    If talking here has already started to make you feel better, I'd definitely encourage doing more of it:slight_smile:

    Todd