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Potentially repressing opposite-sex attraction?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ClimbHikeBike, Jul 23, 2014.

  1. ClimbHikeBike

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    I've come a long way since I joined EC in June, but I'm still working on some stuff. I'm confident that I'm attracted to men and comfortable with the idea of having a boyfriend, but I'm still trying to sort out my attraction to women. I heavily repressed and compartmentalized all things related to sexual attraction, so when I realized/accepted that I'm attracted to men it was very freeing. It felt right and connected a bunch of dots. However, as I left that period of repression I was left with the nagging doubt that I was repressing attraction to women as well. I've latched onto the idea of being gay because it feels right and I'm genuinely romantically and sexually attracted to men, but I guess I'm not 100% sure that I'm not bi.

    Basically, I'm having trouble determining whether I'm actually not attracted to women or if I'm now subconsciously repressing attraction to women. I've come to associate attraction (or lack of attraction) to women with my period of repression, so actually being attracted to women would mean that all that "wasted time" was sort of doubly wasted -- with both women and men. That scares me for some reason. Maybe this is part of the process of me losing my straight identity? Maybe it's a really deeply ingrained denial, even though I don't think I'm denying attraction to men? Maybe I'm actually bi? It's going far enough that I seem to have some kind of internalized heterophobia, like really hoping that I'm not attracted to women... It's weird. Has anyone else felt this? Any advice?
     
  2. Budweiser

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    I think it's hard when it comes to women when you're determining attraction. Women are beautiful, even the ones that don't try. Every women has something physically beautiful about her... fat, skinny or bald.

    So anyone... even gay men, I've heard them say it... looks at a women and sees something that is somehow pleasing to the eye. It doesn't mean attraction, for some reason it's hard to know for sure, at least it is for some people or us confused people.

    So, you're probably gay or bi with a preference for men, women are just pretty!
     
  3. ClimbHikeBike

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    Yeah, that's definitely part of it. I have no trouble recognizing when someone is attractive, regardless of gender; it's the sexual attraction part that confuses me. Oddly enough, I think it was actually easier when I was repressing, because I didn't think about it at all. Sometimes feelings of attraction would make it through the walls I'd built, and those were always same-sex attraction. That just happened naturally, and wasn't forced or analyzed at all. Now that I'm analyzing everything, it's hard to just let myself feel without attaching some sort of judgement to my feelings.
     
  4. Budweiser

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    I think A LOT of us are in that same position, it'd be easier to say that if you have to think about it, it's probably not so but some of us end up being attracted and others don't, so even that doesn't help =/

    I was thinking of making a pros and cons list and just going with that, but I don't know if it can work that way lol.
     
  5. ClimbHikeBike

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    Yeah, very true.

    Just looked at your list from your other thread. I think it's useful to think about all the factors, but I don't know that going with a simple majority would always give the "true" answer. I wish it was that easy! That's just my 2 cents, though.

    Other info/things I'm struggling with: I don't find sex with a woman repulsive or gross, as I read some gay guys do. In fact, I'm sort of curious about it. But I also only fantasize about men and fantasizing about women doesn't do a whole lot for me. But I know that straight people can be curious about gay sex or have occasional fantasies, so that complicates the issue. I'm also a virgin in every single way; I've never even kissed anyone.
     
  6. Budweiser

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    On my time on here I've been told that you don't need experience to know what you like (as far as gender goes) so I'm trying to figure everything out before hitting the dating scene.

    I think the honest to god best thing to do though, is just wait patiently for someone special to come along. Open to the idea, for both of us, that it might be a girl. It's just... weird not knowing, you know? and weirder not knowing why you don't know....
     
  7. ClimbHikeBike

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    I've seen the same, and I would also like to figure it out before I date.

    I agree, my plan is to wait for someone special as well. Yeah, I guess it could be a girl for me, but I feel like it's going to be a guy. I had a couple short-lived "crushes" on girls, but they were absolutely nothing like what I've felt for guys. I've had a really long-term crush on this one guy (who's straight, sigh...) and once I started crushing on him I realized, "Oh!!! So this is what a crush feels like!!!" It was totally different, and so much more real/authentic/natural/complete. This makes me think that romantic connection with a girl isn't going to happen for me. But I'm still stuck in this spot of recognizing that girls are attractive but having trouble knowing if it's sexual. I've also seen some EC admins/mods/advisers discounting the validity of orientations like "bisexual homoromantic," so I'm hesitant to go down that path.
     
  8. Budweiser

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    Anyone can tell if a women is attractive or not, it doesn't mean they could be attracted to them, if that makes sense. Women are just beautiful :slight_smile:

    It works the other way around, too. A straight guy can tell if another guy is attractive, also. But they're definitely not attracted to them.

    I think that's where some confusion happens when thinking about all this, and you get that "bisexual homoromantic" stuff.
     
  9. Closetedathlete

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    Hey, you've articulated exactly what I'm going through currently.

    I have no doubts at all about my attraction romantically and physically to guys. Much of my life, including my attraction to guys, has been so compartmentalized that I have trouble reflecting and discerning my level of attraction to girls. I wonder if I have been so preoccupied with battling, repressing, and separating my sexual attraction to guys that I have been completely ignoring an attraction to females that I rarely allow myself to think about.

    I've even come to the point if allowing myself to be in a relationship with a guy and allowing myself to picture a future and an identity that doesn't include opposite gender attraction at all. Lately, these thoughts in what feels like the "opposite" direction have been frustrating to say the least.

    I'm definitely interested in hearing more about you, and your story. It seems like we share some common experiences, or at least, thought processes.
     
  10. ellyy

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    Knowing the difference between aesthetic- and sexual attraction was something I struggled with a lot, but I found a way that can help with discerning the two:

    So, think like this: there's a girl who you are dating and who is perfect for you (mentally) and her appearance is also extremely attractive. But what if her appearance changed and became less attractive, would you still feel that "attraction" that you're describing? If the answer is no, it's probably aesthetic attraction that you're experiencing.
    Sexual and aesthetic attraction have no direct link so you don't have to find someone good looking to want to have sex with them. I've realized that for me it's, in essence, the physique of a woman that I'm attracted to, so it doesn't matter if she is "pretty" because there can still be a sexual attraction.

    Btw, I relate to your post 100% so you're definitely not alone.
     
  11. ClimbHikeBike

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    @Closetedathlete: Hi, great to hear from you! Sounds like we do indeed have similar thoughts and experiences. You can check out my first post here to learn more about me if you like. Sorry it's so long! It still pretty much sums up what I'm thinking. I'll definitely let you know if I have any breakthroughs, and feel free to post on my wall if you want!

    @ellyy: That's an interesting point, and I've been thinking about it since you posted, but I'm not sure. If we consider only appearance, then I guess if pressed to answer I would say no; her appearance becoming less attractive would sort of by definition make her less attractive to me, right (where attraction here is that ambiguous type that might be sexual but might not)? However, I could say exactly the same thing about a guy. It's when the emotional/mental connection comes into it that it gets interesting. My only reference points on the female side of things are a couple girls who I thought I liked. Looking back and considering feelings I've had for guys, I think what I was feeling for these girls was just very strong friendship, and while I thought I liked them romantically and sexually, physical appearance didn't often enter my thoughts about them. With guys I've had crushes on, my romantic attraction to them has increased my sexual attraction to them quite a bit. So I'm comfortable with the emotional-physical coupling in the case of guys, but since I'm not sure if that's possible for me with girls, I'm having trouble giving a definitive answer to your question. With girls, it's hard to think about how sexual attraction would change with appearance because I don't even know if it's sexual attraction to begin with. I know that that brings up the original problem again, but I'm having trouble thinking about this. Sorry for that long not-answer :frowning2:
     
  12. lostsoul305

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    I know exactly how you feel. I only recently admitted to myself that I have a preference for men, sometime last year, and I'm already starting to wonder if I might be thinking about my sexuality in a very black and white "gay or straight" perspective. I think to some degree I may have a desire for women too but it's hard to say for sure.
     
  13. Ivysaur

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    I don't have much experience with it, but your post is what I'm going through right now, causing me to constantly question if I'm wrong about my sexuality. Like what if I'm totally wrong and just repressing feelings for guys, would I just have wasted my time?

    Even though I just realized what I feel, I'm very certain about my attraction to females, whether emotionally, romantically, or physically, but I also felt some sort of aesthetic attraction to guys as well. A friend of mine showed me the difference, and I think I'm getting better at knowing what I'm attracted to or what I'm not. Right now, I feel that as I try to accept myself, I'm concurrently repressing any different attraction that could be "myself," if that makes sense. I do agree that it might just be in the process of losing our straight identity. I tried to force myself to be straight for a while, and I guess it's just hard to shake the habit that has been ingrained for so long. Maybe our psyche thinks it's easier to accept society's "norms," rather than just searching for our own place.

    I, too, am definitely interested about how you're dealing with it and how you got to this point.
     
  14. ellyy

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    Well, it's okay that you're still not sure what you feel for girls :slight_smile: I feel like I can only share my experience on this since that's all I know. And apart from the perspective I gave on sexual attraction vs. aesthetic attraction, another thing that has helped me is meditation (any form of it), and it has also helped me to realize that labels are in essence not important. I don't have the same need to label myself anymore and it's actually freeing. Now I think that I am attracted to girls but who knows what can happen. Even if you're 100% sure that you're gay, you still never know what can happen -- the possibilities are endless. You already have all the answers within you, you just have to go deep within yourself in order to find them and as I said, meditation has helped me with that. Good luck and don't think about it too much. Just relax into the present moment and you'll find what you need. (*hug*)