female sexuality question

Hi, freeapril. I would not consider myself an expert by any means, but I would say that finding nude images of women arousing and feeling those "butterflies" and checking other women out means you are attracted to women.

It also sounds like you may be inundating yourself with a bit too much information at this early stage and causing yourself more confusion than is necessary. I mean, those things might be true, but some of them sound like ways to rationalize same sex attraction into being interpreted as "straight." I say this because some of them are definitely thoughts I've had when attempting to tell myself I was not gay.

 

Hey freeapril! I feel like everyone "explains away" female same-sex attraction, which is helpful if you know you're straight but have same-sex feelings every once in a while, but if you think you might be queer and you are told over and over that these feelings mean nothing because all women have them, it gets confusing!

The only way to know for sure is to trust yourself and be aware of your feelings in your daily life. I figured it was normal to feel the way I felt until I realized that there was a romantic component to my feelings; it took me 24 years to realize not only was I not straight, but I am more gay than straight.

Focusing too much on the physical and comparing yourself to other women will drive you nuts. For most people it's the combination of physical and emotional; attraction is more complex than just looking at the woman in a love scene. In "But I'm a Cheerleader", the main character at first denies she's gay (paraphrased): "Lots of girls look at other girls in the locker room." to which someone replies "Yes but you only assume they are thinking what you're thinking, but they're not."

 

Loving this thread! wanderinggirl - thank you for your post, I also found it very helpful.

To the OP - not sure whether this will be helpful, but to address your question about needing to meet someone and fall for them before knowing orientation, here's a bit of my story. I am 27 and have always thought I was straight, just assumed really, but I've never been in a relationship/had sex with a guy. Had what I think were crushes on guys, and looking back, what now seem like crushes on girls as well. My world was turned upside-down last year by a new job and a co-worker who was an open lesbian. Long story short, I fell hard for her and she reciprocated my feelings. We are now together. Initially I was worried to follow my feelings for this woman because they were so unexpected, but I have NO regrets and I'm so glad I allowed myself to explore them. Life is short!

I don't think you necessarily need to meet someone to know your orientation, but for some of us it seems to be a trigger-pull to unlock possibly-repressed(?) feelings or unexpected desires. But for me, even meeting someone hasn't really helped me solidify my orientation. If anything it has only made me more confused for the time-being.

I still don't have an answer about myself as far as labeling goes. I'm hoping maybe that will come with time, but also trying to accept that maybe no label will ever feel like it fits just right. On that note - I would encourage you to just follow your feelings. If you want to go to an event to try to meet someone, go for it!

Also, another thought I'd like to mention. I have been very honest with my girlfriend about where I'm at regarding my orientation questioning, etc. and I think that's been a good thing for our relationship. At the end of the day, we agree that all that really matters is that we are very much in love with each other. So if you do meet someone and decide to start seeing her, I'd suggest at least considering a conversation at some point about where you're at with your journey of self-discovery.

Best of luck to you and kudos for being brave and open to exploring your feelings! Love who you love.

 

If you are open to going to a lesbian event before then, more power to you! It's a great way to meet friends; it doesn't have to be all about meeting someone to date, even though that's a possibility too. I was so nervous going to my first lesbian event; I was worried people would hit on me and I wouldn't know my orientation; or worse, that I'd be ignored completely and not feel any connection to the group whatsoever and then lose all hope of finding someone.

For me it was a "trigger crush" that did it, just like Irishluck said; I was curious about women but I felt like it was shameful or dishonest to just "try things out", so it took me falling for a girl to really open me up to the possibility. Until then I was dating guys and being somewhat bisexual it didn't always feel wrong, but I don't think I ever saw myself falling in love with a guy. I gave up all hope of falling in love, until I met this "trigger crush" and it felt like the world opened up. But for you it might be different, and you might not get to that point before you realize your sexual/romantic orientation; people arrive at their orientation in all sorts of ways. (&&&)

---------- Post added 23rd Jul 2014 at 09:14 PM ----------

Irishluck, wow your story is like mine except the feelings were reciprocated! I relate to the trigger-pull, like all of a sudden something clicked inside and all these feelings I didn't know I had burst forward.

If you don't mind my asking, how long ago was this? Because it's taken me nearly two years after falling in love with a girl to accept that I'm not straight; curious to know what the timeline might be for others in this situation.

Anyways your story made me really happy to read. I'm so happy for you!:eusa_danc

 

This is something I've struggled with too and it can get a bit confusing... You may argue that some of these women are in denial, but there's also some evidence that women can be aroused by any and every type of erotic material, regardless of orientation. As an example of this there's a lot of lesbians who enjoy gay (male) porn. The way I tried to look at it was like... when you enjoy watching females, is it merely a voyeuristic type thing, as in you like watching two people enjoy themselves, or could you actually imagine yourself or want to be with those females?

Personally, I feel if you can imagine yourself sexually and/or romantically with another female and the idea feels natural and "right" and enjoyable, there's a good chance you might be lesbian or bisexual.

 

The problem is that for many/most women the emotional component of a relationship is incredibly important in deciding orientation. It is possible for a woman to be wet when she is raped, a defense mechanism to avoid further injury, but this is often cited as evidence that she was "into it" and therefore it wasn't rape. Focusing on just the physical reaction paints an inaccurate picture of female sexuality; taking into account emotional reaction makes female sexuality less ambiguous.

 

That is interesting and makes sense... You know, when I had sex with a woman, I kept trying to figure out what it was that I liked about it than better than being with a man. It wasn't necessarily related to arousal or the genitals involved, although that played a part too, and then I realized that it was more the emotional component than anything. There was something about being with a woman that was emotionally satisfying and felt "right."

 

Freeapril, it's true that you would immediately be out as "not straight" but there are most likely a variety of sexualities within the group, so you wouldn't be automatically labeled as one thing if that takes some of the pressure off.