Hi everyone, I just posted a thread about sexual attraction, but I wanted to post again to ask you guys about my experience with romantic attraction. I have been trying to look back and analyze my past relationships to try to figure out if they mean anything about my sexuality. I guess I have never thought much about sexual attraction vs. romantic attraction, and I'm not sure if they have always lined up for me. Anyway, here are my experiences--I guess my question is, do you think they mean I am lesbian or bi? Or straight with one exception or girl crush or something? -I had a very close girl friend in college who I sometimes felt sexual impulses towards. For example, I would walk her to the door after going out somewhere and several times felt the urge to kiss her goodnight. Looking back, I feel like I probably had a crush on her--I wanted to be with her all the time, I was super jealous of her spending time with other friends (never felt that way about any guys I dated or my other girl friends), and I acted oddly chivalrous around her, wanting to walk her to the door, carry things for her, buy her presents, etc. And then this weird thing happened, too, where I saw her pajama top ride up once unexpectedly (I just saw her stomach) and I was aroused by it. That is such a weird thing to be aroused by, right? Anyway she was really pretty! So that sounds pretty gay, right? The thing is, having not acted on it and having repressed my sexual thoughts towards her so thoroughly and immediately, I feel like I can't know for sure how I really felt. -I have only had relationships with guys, some of whom I liked and/or recognized were attractive and some of whom where just interested in me and I sort of went along with it. Although the physical things we did felt good physically, I never felt a real emotional connection with them and our physical relationship was more something we just did rather than something that created a strong emotional bond for me. I never felt comfortable enough with any guy or a strong enough desire with any guy to have sex with them and always stopped them at a certain point. Also, when the relationships ended, I did not really feel anything emotionally, except in one case (below). When I think about dating a guy now, it just seems like it would be really stressful because that's how I felt the last time I dated a guy. I always thought it was just because I haven't met the right guy yet, or because I was having health issues that were getting in the way of my feeling anything about anyone, but now I am not sure. -The thing that is confusing me the most while trying to figure this out: when I first hit puberty, I had crushes on guys, and I also fell in love with a guy at that time. However, our relationship was based on a strong emotional connection that we shared, and I felt at the time that I was in love with him because of that, and in despite of not being physically attracted by him, if that makes sense. But I am still confused as to what this experience means with regard to my sexuality. OK, I didn't mean to write this much, sorry! I know I am the only one who can know what I am, but if you all recognize any shared experiences in any of this or have some advice, please let me know! Thank you! :icon_bigg
I think if you have been both sexually and emotionally attracted at different times to men, then finding both in one man is just a matter of finding the right guy. How often have you had experiences like you had with your college friend? I personally find it easier to become emotionally close to other women, but currently find myself physically attracted to men more. I just keep hoping both trust/emotional compatibility and sexual attraction will line up in one person. Right now though, they seem to be running in opposite directions depending on the gender of the person in question. I really don't know what to make of the idea that I find more women than men sexually attractive, but that my sexual desire for men is typically more intense when I do have it. I'm not sure if that's your problem [sounds like the opposite], but I am in a similar boat.
Hi OutlawStar78! Thanks for your reply! I became very embarrassed after I posted, thinking maybe I had said too many details...or else that it seems I am very obviously gay and trying to deny it. While I am thinking it may turn out that I have been in denial, now I feel like I would be totally fine with being gay if that is what I am (others may not be fine with it, which would be upsetting for me, but I personally would be ok with myself). I guess what I am trying to figure out is how much I have been influenced in the past by what society/my family and friends expected me to do or feel. For example, I wonder if I actually felt attracted to certain guys, or if I simply noticed they were attractive and confused the noticing with attraction because I expected myself to be attracted to them....I don't know why it's so hard for me to tell what attraction is! Some people seem to just know. I have only had that one experience with my college friend in terms of feeling physical attraction towards a close friend. I also find it much easier to become emotionally close to women, but with her it went sort of beyond that. I'm not sure that having only the one experience means very much though because I now recognize that I have had other attractions to girls and didn't act on it because I couldn't accept it, so I never gave myself the chance to become close to any other girls to whom I felt attraction. With my one friend I definitely felt really strongly about her and those messages managed to get through but I was not ready to deal with it at the time.
I have the same problem. There have been multiple incidents of me being attracted to girls, but too nervous to act or even think on it. It is only recently that I have had to face facts. The immediate reason is that the number of "girl crushes" I had seemed to defy reason if I were perfectly straight, but the ultimate reason is that I was probably much more comfortable even considering the question because I am now unhindered by the conservative, Christian values with which I was raised [now atheist]. As for being embarrassed about the confusion, I am too. I feel silly for not having figured this out by now. However, there are people in their 30's, 40's, and 50's who are exploring their sexuality just like we are on this site. Many of them are in an even worse boat because they're married, sometimes with kids. I figure, hell, if it's taking them that long to sort these things out, then I can be forgiven for taking a while too. I think a lot of the apparent certainty you see often on this site is due to a simple sampling bias - a lot of people struggling with their sexuality don't feel comfortable enough to discuss their thoughts or haven't yet considered coming here. I, for one, have trouble telling what attraction is too. Each infatuation I have with someone has its own quirks. My attraction to women is consistently different than my attraction to men, but what those differences are keeps changing with each new person - goddamn, even with my mood, tbh.
I'm that 36 year old you are talking about. Married (happily) with 2 great kids. No desire to leave, but coming to terms with the fact that I am bisexual. Wish I would have explored it earlier when I had the time/freedom to do so.
Well, I guess it's good that you are happy in your marriage and, at least, bisexual. I imagine it would be worse to cope with traditional marriage when you're gay, but I could certainly be wrong, as I don't have the experience to back it up. I realize now that my earlier comment was insensitive. I'm not sure if you took it that way, but I'm apologizing all the same.
I don't think it was insensitive. I just wish I would have figured out what I wanted when my (now) husband and I had broken up for a while in our 20s. I think I was so sure that my attraction to women was a passing thing, that I was just looking to the future. Had I been braver, I might have figured it out ahead of our marriage and gone in with eyes wide open, rather than been blind sighted by my intense attraction to my best friend from college (hadn't spent more than an hour a couple of times a year with her before this weekend). I think a few more relationships (male or female) might have helped me know now that what I have is really what I want.
So, you are happy with your marriage, but think there could have been something better out there? Is your recent reunion with your friend what triggered these feelings?
We are def happy in our marriage. My husband has known the whole time about her - we've dated since it happened in high school. I guess I'm having an identity crisis. In HS, we flirted and kissed a bit, but never really went much further. I'm just wondering what it would be like and a bit sad that I will probably never get the chance to try.
