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This is Going to be Harder than I Thought

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Jguy365, Jul 23, 2014.

  1. Jguy365

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Fort Wayne, Indiana
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well...the past few days for me have been a rollercoaster, to say the least. Everytime I think I'm settled down into a happy place, I find myself gping back down into the deep, dark pit of comfused emotions.

    I've been doing a lot of life reflecting lately. When I look at my life, it makes sense that I am bisexual. Now, that seems like it should be a good thing, being able to see why my sexuality is the way it is based on my life, but my reflecting has come with unwanted side effects. I've conjured up emotions that I've either never dealt with or dealt with a little and threw away. hoping that they would disappear. Amidst all of this reflection, I realized how insecure I am about myself. As it turns out, I've never been happy with my body or my personality. I've always wanted to be someone else. I've never looked at myself as important or valuable. I've always looked at myself as insignificant and inadequate. I know fhat I'm loved and important, but I've never been able go truly settle on that fact. I have no confidence in my body. Basically, it's been tough dealing with 18 years of feelings and emotions that I have been bottling away, hoping they would evaporate...but all they do is boil.

    To top it off, I'm beginning to worry about my family. I have my suspicions that they are suspicious of me being gay. My mom and dad just seem to be acting different around me...like they don't want to talk to me anymore or look at me. They, my mom especially, appear like they are dealing with some emotions and holding them back. The environment has been so awkward and hostile...and I don't like it. My relationship with them is fine. I mean, we don't fight, they aren't abusive and they take care of me, but our relationship isn't deeply personal, so the thought of telling them about my sexuality just scares me.

    All of this thinking and dealing with of emotions is starting to take a toll on me. I'm losing sleep to endless hours of thinking and praying and my appetite has dropped significantly. Many people here have told me to wait since I have only been out to myself for a few dags, but I feel like if I keep holding this in...it will affect my health.

    As a side note, I don't think my mom can bare the fact of having a gay son. There was lne time when I was probably 7 years old or so when I called Drake Bell cute. Back then, I had no idea what I was saying, but my mom freaked out. She exclaimed "NO YOU WILL NOT START THINKING BOYS ARE CUTE!" That makes me think that she would be ripped apart if I came out. My dad is pretty liberal, I think...he has very traditional values.

    In being afraid of really shaking up my family over this, I'm taking the blow for them all by holding it in...and I don't know how long I will last. I just want my life back.
     
  2. tulipinacup

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    Hey there, It seems like you have a lot of things going through with your life. I wish I could give you an answer or something that would cheer you up but just know that we are in the same boat.

    I've been extremely insecure with my body as well as my personality. I thought I was never good enough to be with someone else or just as a person in general. It took me years to deal with all these and I still am today. The fact that I can't really talk to anyone about this is another torture so I relied talking to people online but it may have made better, it was still the same.

    I realised that I have this one life, this one chance to live on this planet, I started to question myself am I really going spend my whole life being sorry for myself? being so insecure? being defenseless?

    I do not mean that you shouldn't be vulnerable, in fact I encourage you to do that because pouring it all out helps but you should also realise that sometimes the way to help yourself is to fight back.

    Do you have a close friend who you can talk to about all of these? Or a therapist perhaps? You are not alone.
     
  3. Mino

    Regular Member

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    I'm insecure and felt like I'm not valuable, unworthy of others' love, connection, attention, care, ...etc. I'm trying to understand that this is not the case and more importantly, not everything you feel should trump reality. Even if your feelings about being like that are strong, you should always try to think how this is or isn't tru until it becomes second nature to you.
    Remember, people don't judge you that harshly, not the way you do most of the time anyway, they probably don't even care. Treat yourself like you'd treat others. Love yourself before you can love others.
    Or like someone once told me, imagine yourself being a child and now think about how this child would feel if you told him he's insignificant and inadequate, your personality and body are terrible. That child would either get angry or cry or both. That's not how you should treat yourself.
    Just fight those feelings with thoughts. All the time. Everytime.

    Like tulipinacup wrote, talk to a very close friend about this, or a therapist.

    And on the other topic, I'm not sure. I never felt like that about coming out to my parents. Think about the pros and cons of doing that and if you feel coming out will solve your bottled up emotions, then do it but try to think about it calmly and rationally. Maybe you're just getting anxious about realizing something fundamental about yourself.
     
  4. Jguy365

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Fort Wayne, Indiana
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for your posts. I have told 4 friends now, 3 of them girls. They have been very supportive and encouraging. The friend who is a guy...I think I freaked him out. We were at youth group, and I told him that I was going through a difficult time in my life because I was facing a personal issue that I have been hiding for many years. I told him that I wanted to tell him but wasn't finding the guts to say so, so I kept dropping hints. "I've been keeping this emotion behind closed DOORS." "I'm behind a DOOR and it has OPENED a little." He had his ideas and I told him that he was probably right, whatever it was he was thinking about. Then he said that there is nothing I could say that could possibly shake him up. I was going to tell him through text, but somehow I found the guts to say it to his face. I got up, stood up next to him, paused for a minute and whispered...bisexual. He was so frozen and shocked. This dear friend who always has kind words of support for me could barely conjure up the words..."oh. Well thanks for telling me." I'm afraid that he will feel awkward around me...like he will be thinking that I'm only friends with him because I'm interested in him. That is not the case. We were friends long before I knew. Now, I'm afraid that I will lose friends over this...it's incredibly hard.
     
  5. ellyy

    Full Member

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    I really wish that I could help you feel better but I'm not sure how... :icon_sad: I, at least, want you to know that I care and that you're definitely not alone with having these kind of feelings.
    I think it's amazing that you had the courage to come out to a few people, and the reason why your friend reacted the way he did might be because it came as such a surprise. It sounds like he didn't expect you to say that at all but it doesn't mean that he thinks you like him (although I can understand you feel that way). But if you continue to feel like he might think you're interested in him then maybe you should talk to him about it. I don't have plans to come out any time soon but when I come out to my female friends I will make sure to let them know that I don't want things to be awkward between us and that I only see them as friends.