Just lonely?

Despite my social anxiety, I've always been an affectionate person. I like hugs and cuddles and being intimate with people, in a non sexual way. It makes me feel safe around that person, especially if I feel close to them.

I've identified as pansexual for years now, and before that, bisexual. I've never his the fact that I'm attracted to personality no matter what the private bits are, but it's an "if you ask, I'll tell you" type of thing, not in your face.

Before I got married to my husband, we were very sexually active. We have a son together, four years old, and have lived together for nearly five years. Once we got married and completely got severed from our parents apron strings, we began to drift. Work began stressing me out(I was tossed into a store manager position with absolutely no training because there was no one else) and my husband... I don't even know what he did during that time. I saw him maybe once a week for three months.

I it out I that job and got another one, but I feel like the damage was done. It's harder for us to be affectionate towards each other even after a year. He spends his time on his music, working on his dream. My dream is to become a fantasy author, but with work and taking care of our son, I barely sleep. He's recently become more aggressive towards me. Not abusive, but demanding more from me while he himself does nothing. He wants all of his free time to be working on his music, while mine is spent with our son, cleaning, and cooking. He won't lift a finger to help with cooking or dishes.

My entire life, since we got married, is to support him in his dream. His parents have never supported anything he's done, so I stepped up and had supported his decision to pursue a career in music. His band is talented and is in pretty good demand as far as venues go. It's a plausible dream.

However, my life revolves around him. Can I go see a friend? No, husband has a band meeting. Invited to a party? Husband has a show and no one to watch our son. And he never asks anymore if I have plans, because I don't. I've stopped making friends and don't spend any time with the ones I have because why even try? My decisions are made for me. And if our plans clash, I give in first because MY parents support my dream and his don't. I feel like I'm overcompensating for his parents and I'm making myself lonely for him.

My mother says he's taking advantage of me.

And, sigh, I find myself seeking intimacy elsewhere. Nt even sex. Someone to just cuddle with. Sex is alright I guess, but I want physical contact. My husband shrugs me off and tells me it's too hot to cuddle, or just gropes me and tried to initiate sex.

A female friend of mine fulfilled this for a bit, but we ended up getting more involved than needed. The intimacy sparked deeper feelings and we had to stop. And last night a male friend stayed over and he noticed I was off. We ended up cuddling and it was amazing. I found myself more relaxed and happy than I have been in a very long time.

I thought I was a closeted lesbian, but maybe I'm just a very lonely affectionate pansexual that just happens to know amazing women.

Sigh. I don't know.