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Dont want to be gay but maybe I am

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Eric Dave, Jul 26, 2014.

  1. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    It all started with erectile dysfunction which set in age 19 which continues to this day. age 25 I had lived a stright life. All my fantasies and sexual behaviour was about girls. My wet dreams as a teen were about girls.

    Because I couldnt get properly hard since age 19 even during masturbation eventually at age 25 I began to question myself. That was 7 yrs ago and I started to masturbate about men to see if it made me more aroused.

    Mentally it was like new fresh fantasy amterial and taboo which seemed to kickstart my arousal a little although I still couldnt get properly hard to gay porn or thoughts etc.. Sometimes the orgasm feels more like it did in my teens. (sign of gay?)

    Anyway I dont want to be gay. I liked my old self. I still have erection issues. I havent had proper erections at alny time (during sleep/masturbation/sex) since 2001.

    Do you think having erection issues from age 19-32 would do serious mental damage to you guys if you had it?? Would it make you question your orientation??


    Anyway I have tried to embrace being gay but when I look at men and feel any sensation in my groin it scares me. I am trying to like it but it actually scares me if I see a guy and feel evena tingle of arousal. It sends me into a depression and anxiety circle.

    Anyway, Both my parents know my fears of being gay. I told them 7 yrs ago and they remain supportive no matter what.

    Tonight I was out in bars and tried to naturally see where my arousal went etc..

    The only thing I can report is sometimes seeing guy I get a small fright sensation in my chest and my heart beat gets quicker and I stop breathing. It could be butterflies and is sometimes accompanied by a groinal sensation such as tingling.shivering scrotum/bloodflow to scrotum. I do not like it when this happens.

    I could have internalized homophobia or it could be that Im straight deep down but my sex drive to women has vanished which makes me really sad.

    I came home tonight and tried to masturbate to gay porn and even imagining me doing it and stroking myself I couldnt get it up. I really tried to like it and be positive about it.

    I sometimes get these strong groinal sensations when I see something that reminds me of homosexuality. They are not erections but feel like arousal sensations without causing a boner or semi etc..

    For example I might be caught off guard by seeing two gay guys holding hands and this almost causes this instant fright/arousal response in my groin which feels liek a sudden tightening or swelling in my perineum/scrotum. It feels like bloodflow to the testicles. I am then confused if I am aroused or simply scared by it. I do not enjoy it and have no conscious desire to do anything with the same sex.

    I would like sex with girls/romatic etc but my sex drive has gone into non existence. I feel numb inside. Nothing excites em anymore. Stuff about girls that used to excite me isnt woking anymore. That makes me question my orientation so I the go and try to be gay at least in fantasy/masturbation/checking guys out but I cant get much more aroused either and also dont enjoy it. The only difference is the orgasm is a little bit stronger to gay fantasies. Maybe Im gay dunno?

    I just am confused. 13 yrs without proper erections and orgasms. Even stroking my penis doesnt illicit the pleasure it did before. My penis is not sensitive to touch anymore and masturbating without any sexual thoughts, just stroking it brings hardly any response down there and I cant get it up.

    I dunno if I am striaght with erectile dysfunction, gay with erectile dysfunction, gay and somehow my subconscious is repressing my erections or asexual.

    I wish to have my old reactions, sensations, excitement, awesome feelign orgasms that I used to have as a teen to girls.

    I also avoid hooking up with women now. I get anxious if the chance for sex arises and back away.

    Gay sex scares me. I never want to do it or kiss a guy but as I say what about these groinal sensations?? Are they arousal or fear?? I dont know :frowning2:

    If I was gay should I not be able to get hard whle strokign myself to gay porn or thoughts?? Ive tried hundreds of times. The best I can get is 70% hard (same as with girls) and the minute I let go with my hand it starts going soft in a few seconds.


    I feel like I dont know who I am anymore. I assumed I was straight groing up and into my 20's because I alsways masturbated about girls, enjoyed it, and wanted to have sex with them. My wet dreams were about girls.

    But its all gone now. I feel like Im in denial (is that possible if Im telling myself over and over 'Im gay' ??- or is that the opposite of denial??)

    I dunno the thought of being in a relationship with a guy just makes me sad (denial???)

    Is a gay in denail afraid when his groin reacts to guys?? But I keep tellign myself I'm gay and after 7yrs still dont enjoy checking out guys. But my reactions to women are gone so I dont know.

    Maybe getting with a guy is the only way to know but would you recommend that if I dont want to?

    Is my mind just fucked up from years of E.D??
     
  2. gravechild

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    Have you thought that maybe instead of ED, your body is simply adjusting to your true orientation? As teenagers, it's very common for even gay men to be turned on by anything, but like others have said, arousal alone doesn't = attraction. Anyone can "fake it", but the true indicator of orientation, I think, is who you desire.

    Anyway, I can understand not wanting to be gay, feeling the heart beat, loss of breath, butterfly sensations too. If that "spark" only exists for one sex, it's probably a good sign that you're into them! I've never heard of a straight person having their attractions to those of the opposite sex vanish. They might abstain from sex or relationships for whatever reason, but it's still there.

    It's totally normal to feel afraid and not be able to perform in these situations, especially if you truly don't want to feel what you're feeling and haven't accepted that part of yourself yet. You can't rush these things. And telling yourself "I'm gay" doesn't seem like denial, so much as attempting to overcome it, and/or testing yourself.
     
  3. Damien

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    Hi Eric,
    I don't know how you are going to sort this out, without at least trying to drop some of the fear and shame around possibly being gay or bisexual. These negative emotions must be skewing your perceptions, and I feel for you because I actually rejoice in that sensation you speak of, when I think about a guy. I mean it feels darn good, right? What is so bad about (potentially) being with a guy? Who is harmed by two consenting adults of the same gender having sexual intimacy? Surely you must know, the answer is, "no-one at all". There is simply nothing wrong that can be found with it.

    About arousal: lately my ability to 'get off' on porn of any variety whatsoever, gay or straight, has diminished to the point of now being a waste of time. I've basically accepted that 'porn is dead for me' now. But honestly, images on a screen are no substitute at all for living, breathing, warm-blooded human company in any case. I'm taking the opportunity of porn losing it's appeal totally, by forcing myself to go out and meet real people again; maybe if you persevere with that as well, you might meet someone special, make an emotional connection with them, and find that your erectile problems suddenly vanish...you never know, maybe your body is just trying to tell you something - that it's not 'getting off' you really need, it's an emotional connection with another person.

    Take care and please don't be so hard on yourself. gay or straight or whatever you are ok either way. (*hug*)
     
  4. Eric Dave

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    I hate the sensations. It happened just now as I was looking at facebook. Saw something harmless but it was a pic of a guys midriff and I felt this instant shivering in my testicles and shock in my chest like a fight or flight response. I dont enjoy it and am currently feeling anxious now. Or maybe its arousal which is scaring me. IDK. I just know I have no conscious desire to do anything with a guy. Only girls.

    I never want to do anything with a guy. I grew up liking girls. I dont care if its ok in society to be gay and have gay sex, I dont want to do it. I dont care if nobody even knew if I did it. I'd know.
     
  5. ellyy

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    Maybe you don't have a conscious desire to do anything with a guy because you're in denial? Believe me, I know what it's like since I have been/am going through it myself. If guys do genuinely turn you on then there is a desire there whether you like it or not.
    The best thing you can do for yourself is to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel without judgement.
    Even if some parts of the world have become more accepting towards homosexuality it seems to me that you still have some internalized homophobia. So, in essence, the world could be completely accepting towards LGBTQ+ rights but what matters is how you see the idea of you being gay.
    I'm mainly just theorizing and not claiming that this is what's really going on in your head, but as I said before, try not to judge yourself or your feelings so hard.

    I hope things work out well for you. (*hug*)
     
  6. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    But is it actual arousal or just anxiety thats causing these sensations?? It's not like i get a boner looking at men.
     
  7. returningflame

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    It could be both.
     
  8. LllopezX

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    Hi there bro! Very interesting story. I too, is sort of going through that. Maybe I'm asexual really since I don't like intercourse with both... It's really weird and I hate myself for it. I tried it on both many times and yet I don't feel that aroused and I have to force myself to finish it. I wish you all the best man. Hopefully we figure this out somehow.

    Sincerely,
    Lex
     
  9. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    I am thinking about this 24/7. Mastutrbating continuously to gay v straight thoughts comparing arousal levels.

    FML. I dont want to be gay.
     
  10. ellyy

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    I can't say for sure if it's arousal or anxiety, or as returningflame said, it could be both. However one thing I can say for sure is that telling yourself that "you don't want to be gay" will make things more confusing for you. Your mind hears this and the more often you say it, the more it will push away any same-sex attraction (if you have it) and things will become more blurry.
    I was obsessing over my sexuality for 2-3 months everyday but it didn't get me anywhere until I stopped pushing my feelings away and surrendered to myself and who I really am (which I am still in the process of doing). So, if you really want to sort your feelings out repression won't work.
     
  11. Eric Dave

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    I have been worrying about this since age 25. Im 32 now. Thats 7 yrs of everyday worrying about this trying t figure it out.

    Maybe I'm repressed but I've honestly tried coming out to myself and others and this is how it has gone:

    I tell myself I am gay and that I need to accept it. Its not ocd, its not groinals its gayness. Suck it up and deal with it. I try to embrace my attractions to men and enjoy it and so I look at a guy and feel 'something' and all of a sudden I start freaking out inside again. I dont enjoy it. It scares me. I then try to masturbate to gay things to get over it. I dont feel very aroused though even using my imagination or porn. My erections have never returned to normal. I have told my parents Im gay over and over . Im obsessed about figuring it out.

    I try to come out to myself over and over but the anxiety never goes away. Logically being gay should not be a big deal. I could have sex with someone, I could have relationships etc but it still scares me. I dont give a shit about religion either. Think its bullshit. Alll I know is Im terrified Im gay and terrifed of being aroused by men.

    I can say ''Im in denial, I am in denial I am in denial over and over and over. It doesnt make the fear go away.

    Im gay Im gay Im gay Im gay....

    Still get afraid if my groin reacts to men. When I say reacts its not an erection. Its a type of nervousness/fear/fright/arousal sensations in my groin. It terrifes me.

    If I then try to embrace it and masturbate to whatever gave me those feelings I cant get a proper erection.

    ---------- Post added 27th Jul 2014 at 11:31 AM ----------

    Just happened again. I have to be gay. I just have to be. Some tv commericial was on and a scene caught me by surprise. It was some guy with 6 pack taking his top off and I felt a fright and a sensation in my groin that felt like the start of arousal and now I feel anxious and depressed.

    I am obviously gay. FML
     
  12. Mino

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    Maybe if you think about what it is that you fear when you are around men or what is it exactly that you fear about being gay?
    Or you could try to just get to know some gay men, maybe that'll show you something you haven't thought or felt before. Sometimes it's facing your fear that can make it go away, since it can dissipate the reasons of your very special brand of fear.
    But then again, you should be aware what parts of those things (being gay and around men) are making you anxious.
     
  13. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    I never felt any attraction to men before this possible explanation for my erection issues popped into my head age 25.

    I dont know any gay men, well not openly anyway. I feel very uncomfortable around gay hairdressers cutting my hair. A gay guy came onto me in a niteclub a few months ago and I freaked out. I found it very creepy and weird.

    But anyway there is no logical reason for the fear. My parents know and love me even though I told them I think Im gay, I could find a guy if I wanted as Im fairly decent looking, I could be happy, I could get my erections back possibly and have a good sex life...

    But Im still terrified. I dont want to be gay. Kissing a guy or having sex with another man seems revolting to me.


    Yet Im getting these fright/groinals/arousals to guys. I just want them to go away :frowning2:

    I have tried to face my fear by masturbating about men, looking at gay porn, coming out to myself but it doesnt make the fear go away even after 7yrs.

    I miss the way I used to get sriously aroused by seeing a girls panties, or ass, boobs etc...

    Im scared I'll never experience it again. Also I've been in love twice in my life, both with girls. I want to feel that again. :frowning2:
     
  14. Damien

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    Hi Dave,
    I hope you know by now that I would like to be of assistance, and that I mean well, so I just wanted to throw in the fact that, I actually don't want to be straight. I really don't. And sometimes I worry that I might still be straight, deep down...that my bisexuality might just be 'a phase'...I'm serious despite it sounding like some kind of joke. I prefer the freedom I feel, of being able to be sexual with either gender.

    Your aversion to the idea that you might have some same-sex attraction seems to run deep, and once again, I don't think an Internet Forum is enough, although it can help and I hope you keep coming here :slight_smile: just that, I think you would benefit from talking through the difficulty you have with a qualified, trained professional who is familiar with lgbt issues. We can tell you it's ok to be gay or bi till we're all blue in the face, but I don't feel like you will believe it, so please consider getting some professional help to sort it all out? I say this in goodwill, you know that, right? Cos a part of me does still get down on myself, I can still feel it as well...not fully accepting myself. I'm having a good day today, but I too still have society's and religion's harsh and cruel judgement of me, still lurking deep within, like a thorn that pushes against my heart. One day I really will have the damn thing pulled out for good.

    Take care, EricDave. Please consider getting some professional help, maybe? I see a counsellor regularly, man I rely on this...it's pretty common nowadays, lots of even ordinary folks see a counsellor, pretty normal thing to do...

    Damien. :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 28th Jul 2014 at 07:14 AM ----------

    'Seems' is the operative word here. But we don't really know what something is like, until we've tried it. If you were to actually kiss a guy that you liked as a person, maybe, someone with whom you felt safe enough to explore this, well you might get the answer you are looking for. But if your body is telling you one thing, and your mind another, well the question just seems to hang in the balance. Personally I can hardly wait for my first kiss with a guy. I want to know for sure if the attraction I'm feeling is just some fantasy, or more substantial...I too get aroused just by looking at some guys, the only difference is that I'm choosing not to condemn myself for it. (well not today, anyway...having a 'good day' today...)

    It's like eating oysters. I was scared of trying them but everyone kept saying how amazing they were. Eventually, I decided to at least try a few out. I didn't like them. There, problem solved. But some folks do like them. Some folks love oysters! But we can't really know for sure about something, unless we've actually tried it...and a kiss is pretty harmless, right? Just putting it out there, maybe that if you did allow yourself just a kiss from a guy you found appealing, well it might answer your question a bit more...a kiss is no big deal, after all...either you will like it, or not. It might give you some clarity...

    Please forgive my current somewhat cheeky attitude :wink:
     
    #14 Damien, Jul 27, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2014
  15. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    Hi Damien. It's ok. I was out tonight and actually kissed a girl. It didnt last more than 30 seconds and I got only a slight semi from it which worries me but I did enjoy it. Women are soft and cuddly.

    Anyway I think I could well be gay but its something that reallly depresses me. No offence but it would be like going into a doctors office and him telling you you have cancer. Thats the kind of reaction i feel.

    I would kiss a gu if I wanted to but so far I dont want to. I guess believing and liking being striaght up until 25 yrs old and having it taken away from you is not a pleasant experience. What made me question was not finding guys a turn on but the lack of arousal for girls that I used to have. It had diminished alot.

    Anyway Im glad you are happy. I dont wan tto kiss a guy because its kind of against my whole nature. I am not being a smartass but its like me telling you ''How do you know if you dont find kids sexually arousing unless you have kissed one?''

    Thats the way it feels to me. You wouldnt want to kiss a kid even just to see just like I wouldnt want to kiss a guy just to see. It's just something I dont want to do.

    Maybe that day will come but right now I'm very against the idea.

    I have spoken to a sex therapist or two who said I was straight but I dont believe them no matter how much they reassure me. As long as Im getting groinals to guys I cant believe Im not just some gay who cant accept himself.

    The only thing that confuses me is why was I attracted to girls bfore and jizz in my pants if one of them sat on my lap? Why am I not getting my fell erections back to gay thoughts and porn if that was the cause of my impotence in the first place?

    Its so confusing :frowning2:

    Anyway if I was a betting man I'd say Im gay although im not 100% sure because my past likes and behaviours were all straight.

    I wish I could accept being gay so i could stop worrying every day.
     
  16. bicomplicated

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    Wow. This is very interesting... I am a bisexual woman. But my life isn't about my sexual arousal. There have been points of my life where I could take or leave sex. There were points when I didn't even want sex. I had some bad relationships, but I was just yearning for more than to be desired sexually. Right now I'm with someone who wants me in every way and loves everything that makes me, me. But still we only have sex a few times a week because of our busy scheduals. But anyway getting off point. My point: Arousal is important. But it's not the end all be all. Who knows you might be straight, you might be bisexual, you might be gay, you might be asexual. Or you may very well just have ED and you are just psyching yourself out. I would encourage you to research these different orientations. Also, hang out with diverse people and just get to know them. Try to let your guard down and don't let fear overcome you. Educate yourself. You want to be with women right now? That's fine. Be with women, but don't even worry about the sexual part. I'd say educate your self more before you start worrying about attractions and arrousals and erections. Then after you let go of your fears, you will be able to figure out what your orientation really is. And no one can tell you who you are except you. And if you turn out to be gay, straight, bi, or whatever

    ---------- Post added 27th Jul 2014 at 07:56 PM ----------

    This is very interesting. Sounds like you are scared cause you can't get aroused and you are trying to find ANY reason why. But sex isn't all there is. I am a bisexual woman and there were times in my life I could take sex or leave it. Times I didn't want to be with anyone. Now I am with someone who gets me 100 percent and loves everything that makes me, me. But we only have sex a few times a week because of our busy schedules. But that is fine. I don't always need sex. But I'm getting off track. You might be gay, bisexual, straight, or even asexual. Or you might just have ED and you are psyching yourself out. My advice is research different orientations. Also get to know diverse people and make friendships. Educate yourself. You want to be with girls right now? Be with girls. But don't even worry about the sexual part right now. Just get to know people. Don't worry about attractions and arousals and all that. Make friendships and educate yourself. Then try to let go of your fears. No one can tell you your orientation. Only you can figure that out. But whether you are gay, straight, bi, or whatever just love yourself and everything will fall into place. If it turns out to just be ED, just keep asking your dr questions till you figure it out. But whoever you are and whatever you are going through in life, the important thing is to learn to love yourself.
     
  17. bicomplicated

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    Sorry for the double post. Gonna have to figure out my phone. It's crazy. But I hope you got my meaning from that insanely long repetative post. :wink: Good luck. :slight_smile: