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A friend told me she loves me and I'm so confused

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by elveslight, Jul 28, 2014.

  1. elveslight

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    Hey there
    I'm new here.. I'm female and 19 years old.
    Anyway.. I really need some advice. (Sorry if I mess up some phrases.. english is not my first language)

    First of all: Since a few years now I've been wondering whether I'm straight or lesbian. Well.. that is not quite true. Most of the time I haven't been thinking about it. I only had crushes on boys or kissed boys.. But now and then this question crossed my mind.. I thought about kissing a girl and I liked the idea of it. I think girls can be really attractive, too. Once, on a party, I made out with a girl and yea, I enjoyed it. But I was really drunk so I never thought about it again.
    I've never had a relationship before and therefore I'm a virgin.. I also think boys are really attractive, mostly more attractive than a girl.. and I like to make out with one, but I can't picture myself to have actually sex with a boy.. I guess. but I can with a girl.. It's weird. When I imagine myself to be in a boy's arms I think it's gives me more security than in girl's arms but then..
    Then I just think "but you never fall in love with the gender, do you? You may like their appearance but real love is about the personality of a person! their character! not their gender."

    I have this friend. Let's call her Emma. That is not her real name. I know her since three years but we just had some classes together in school and talked now and then. But since March we started to become real friends. We share the same interets and have the same history.. My mother died last year, my father left us, I moved out of the house where I've lived for 18 years and a lot more. Both her parents died, she had to move out, ... So she was the first person I could really relate to, who understood my feelings and all that. And last week she suddendly texted me "I think we should break off our contact". And she didn't want to explain me why. She said it wasn't because of me, it wasn't because something happened, she even texted she was crying. It totally came out of the blue. But then.. she told me she was in love with me. This message was the cutest message I've ever received in my whole life. Seriously. She told me she has butterflies in her stomach everytime she looks at me, she gets weak in the knees and all she can think about is me. She even told me she never had these strong feelings for her ex (she had a boyfriend for two years). And she said "everytime you tell me you are sad, I want to be there for you, cuddle you and to calm you until you feel better because otherwise I'm sad, too"
    Well.. I responded I've nothing against homosexuality, I like her just the way she is and she could always stay in touch with me. But she didn't want to. She said she needs long and strict distance. And I agreed because I understood. We haven't texted since then.

    But now I can't stop thinking about it. It kills me. I don't know if my feelings are platonic. I really don't know. I know that I'm not in love with her in the same way she is with me. I've never had butterflies in my stomach and never got weak knees because of her. I haven't really been wondering whether I have feelings for her or not before this talk. But what I know is:
    I don't want her to be crying right now. She has a lot of friends but most of them just know her as the funny Emma. Most of them just want her to be the funny Emma. She told me she never really talks to them about her feelings. I want her with every character trait she has. She isn't only the funny Emma.. Her family (aunt/uncle, brothers) is homophobic. I don't want her to be lonely. I don't want her to feel miserable. I want to be there for her. I also want to be in her arms. But I don't know if I could kiss her. I know I need her. She always was the first person I thought about when I felt sad because of my mum or anything else. What she told me always calmed me. But even when something good happened, I thought "well I can't wait to tell that Emma". When she told me she has this sleeping disorder I worried about it for one week and even googled the disorder and tried to find out what could be done do make it more comfortable for her. I could spend every single day with her and since this talk I don't even eat properly..
    I don't know what all of it means. I don't know what I want and what to do. Is it platonic? A friend of mine told me "try it. Try to be with her. Let yourself be loved. Maybe you also fall in love with her. Maybe not. It's worth a try" but I don't know.. I don't want to break her heart. What if I realise I'm not lesbian?? What if it doesn't work out? What if I'm just wondering about all this because I want to be loved? That happened to me before. I liked a boy but afterwards I realised it was not really because of him but just because I need some love.. I finally want to have a relationship.. So what if it's just the same with Emma now.. I don't want to use her feelings..
    The thing is, I'll probably move far away in October due to my studies....... Maybe I should just try to forget it. She wants distance and I should give her it. But I can't stand the thought of her never texting me again. I don't want to lose her. I've lost so much in my live already and I don't know if I can lose one more person. And I also don't want her to lose me. Maybe that sounds weird or smug.. but I don't mean it that way. It's just because she also lost a lot and because she doesn't have many true friends.. She is a great person.

    Sorry for writing so much.. Hopefully a few persons are willing to read all of it..
    I really don't know what to do.
     
    #1 elveslight, Jul 28, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2014
  2. Nychthemeron

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    (*hug*)

    I once felt the same way. It was weird, to say the least, but yes, I think it's platonic.

    Still, just because it's platonic doesn't mean you can't love her. Love doesn't always equal romantic attraction.

    Consider telling her the truth - what you told us. Tell her you don't love her in the same way she loves you, but you love her in other ways and you want her to be happier. Stuff like that.

    Best of luck.
     
  3. AlmostBlue

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    If you are really unsure of how to proceed, perhaps you could discuss it with your friend, and see how she feels about giving it a try with you. At this point, it's probably not possible for you to determine how exactly you feel about her, but given the opportunity, maybe you will know. Yes, if it turns out that you don't like her romantically, it will crush her, but as cynical as this sounds, people experience heart break all the time (look at this forum), and we all have to move on. Of course, just putting this to rest and leaving her alone is also a legitimate option, but it seems like you have a hard time going with that plan.

    Either way, take a couple more weeks to think about it, as agonizing as it may be for you. If the feeling dissipates, then maybe you were just craving for love and attention. If it doesn't, perhaps there's something more to it. In any case, you sound like a very caring person, I'm sure things will turn out well in the end for the both of you. Good luck.