1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Very confused - Think I'm gay one minute, not the next? Did I love my best friend?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by cm1092, Jul 28, 2014.

  1. cm1092

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2014
    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Hi everyone, new to the forums! This may turn out long, so I apologise if it does! I'm just going to let myself type what I'm thinking..

    I'm 22 and I've been questioning myself for some time now, although only seriously questioning myself for the last year or so I would say. I'm not very confident at all with girls and would say I can feel quite intimidated by them at times, especially an outwardly confident or pretty girl. Almost like I don't feel good enough? I've never had a girlfriend or any experiences with girls, bar a brief long distance relationship with an old friend that I think was just teenage lust at the time! It was a confidence shattering experience that one, she was literally on the other side of the world and the whole thing came out of nowhere (She'd previously gone to the same school as me before moving away). My first kiss with a girl only came on holiday a few weeks ago and again my confidence to do this probably came off the back of a few drinks!

    I've always been interested in girls and since the back end of primary school have had various crushes on girls. I've never had the confidence to do anything about it though and only on a few occasions have I actually told the girl how I feel. This (my one mini relationship aside) has always resulted in rejection or replies such as "Awww I'm not looking to see anyone right now" (that one comes a lot!). All of this has dented my confidence somewhat further over the years and left my feeling pretty hopeless on the relationship front! I joined the Internet dating scene just over a year ago and asides from a few friendly messages with 1 or 2 girls, that has probably ended up deflating me even more!

    However, just over a year ago something very different started happening. I suddenly found myself feeling attracted (and particularly clingy) to my best friend. For years we were very close and had the kind of relationship where we could tell each other most things. We'd do the normal stuff, video games, shopping, cinema, having a few drinks, etc. We would always be able to have a laugh and he enjoyed winding me up. He'd regularly get a kick out of pretending to be my boyfriend in front of people to wind me up (even with his girlfriend sat in the same room!). I'd play up and say "Oh grow up, behave!" but of course it was all in good fun.

    But something somewhere changed. I don't know if it was him or me, but something changed. I found myself thinking about him more, wanting to spend more time with him and, crucially, getting jealous when he spent time with other people. (Especially his girlfriend, who ironically I'd been close friends with for even longer)! At this point in time we were probably at our closest and problems were starting to surface in his relationship.

    He'd come to me with his problems quite regularly and I'd try to solve them, which at the time may have brought us closer as I seemed to be the only one he was coming to about it. Around this time, my first prominently gay thoughts had started to creep into my head and as an avid football follower, I started to find myself almost fancying certain players. I started noticing their muscles like their arms and legs and seemed to have a thing for chests bulging through their shirts.. and when certain players took their shirts off, well all of a sudden I couldn't look away! And one day whilst out shopping with my best friend for a new football shirt, I commented on how I liked both the home and away shirt and couldn't choose. There was a picture of I think Javier Hernandez in one and another player in another. And my friend chirped up, "Well I'd go for that one, Hernandez is fitter". He seemed to deflect it as a joke again as he often did, but do you know what - I had found myself thinking the exactly the same thing in my own head, only to me I wasn't joking. He really did look fitter haha. But why was I suddenly thinking that?

    Not long after that, my friend came to my house for a few drinks. Problems with his girlfriend had gotten worse and he basically seemed to want to drink his problems away over a DVD and a few games of FIFA. The drinks were flowing and flowing to ridiculous levels between us and before long we found ourselves turning on porn. It must have been 3 in the morning, and at 21 years of age we both found ourselves watching porn together for the first time on my bed.

    It was straight porn and before long we had both started putting our hands in our 'pockets' (for want of a better phrase :lol:slight_smile:. He asked if I would mind if he took his boxers off while he carried on and (feeling pretty excited at this point) I said no problem. I took mine off and carried on myself but could not bring myself to look over at him for fear of him thinking I was looking at him. We kept going and then out of nowhere he said "I'm tired, I need someone to finish me off". He was very suggestive with it and repeated it several times over the next few minutes. Still, stuck in a state of fear and disbelief I couldn't bring myself to even look at him, let alone do anything!

    We both finished and fell asleep but for weeks after this I hugely regretted not leaning over to him just to see what would have happened. I couldn't process why I was having these thoughts all of a sudden, I just knew that all of a sudden its what I really wanted. That night, I could literally have chosen to have been all over him.... and would have been happy with that. This is straight me, always looking for a girlfriend but can't find one me. But still wanting a girlfriend me. I couldn't understand why things had changed so drastically in my head.

    Since then we've grown apart and I believe the closeness with which we came on that occasion and certain others ultimately caused it. We nearly came to blows at one point several months later over something stupid. But to the few people watching the situation unfold at work at the time, he randomly came out and said "He's just a homosexual". Just like that. We'd never even discussed the word before, but from the moment he said that we never really recovered our friendship. I felt hurt that I'd lost a good friend and that he would say something like that. But more than anything, I thought why did he say that? Have I misread everything? Am I really gay? Have I come across too strong without even realising it? I kept thinking there's just no way, I mean I'd never done or said anything to indicate that I liked him like that and why would he say that to people so suddenly and aggressively? It was never me who commented on certain lads being 'fit' I'd always just laugh and go 'yeah' when he said something like that, because that's just the way things were for so long!

    This seems to have opened a door though. I don't think I've talked to him for 6 months now but since then I've found myself obsessing more and more about my sexuality. I still find myself gawping at girls when they walk past but since that thing with my best friend I've also become intrigued with gay porn. There are occasions when I can only get turned on by gay porn. If its straight porn, it seems to me that there has to be a guy in the scene and he has to have a bit of muscle. This mindset has seriously been a lot to take in, especially in such a short period of time!

    I've also found myself going on gay chat sites and striking up conversations with good looking lads. I added one on Skype last week and after talking a couple of times and webcamming, I found myself feeling really deflated when he randomly deleted me this last couple of days. The same way I'm used to feeling when a girl turns me down! I got on really well with him and started putting together these ridiculous scenarios in my head where I'd go and visit him or he'd come to visit me. And yet this is a guy I've known for all of 7 days!!!! Its crazy, yes I found him cute but I keep thinking he's in another country, I barely know him outside of a couple of chats and of course above all else, he's a guy! I must be gay or at least bisexual I keep thinking. Or am I? Etc etc. Then 2 minutes later I'll be driving down the street and have to try not to crash the car as I'm looking at a girl walking on the pavement. Its such a confusing time!

    That did turn out long, so if you read this far well done! I really do salute you haha. I should introduce chapters for easier reading :lol:
    I've read some pretty heartfelt posts on here and it seemed to help the people who had posted it. So I wanted to do the same thing for myself and just let myself say what I've been feeling these last 12 months. Maybe someone out there can relate somewhat, or maybe not! I have struggled with horrible generalised/social anxiety for a good few years now and maybe this has a part to play in it all, especially my confidence issues. But just for finally saying all of this to someone, I'm hoping that's a step in the right direction! :slight_smile:
     
  2. cm1092

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2014
    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Re: Very confused - Think I'm gay one minute, not the next? Did I love my best friend

    So, long story short, can anyone relate to any of these feelings? I don't know what direction my head is going in at this stage, feeling pretty overwhelmed!
     
  3. sam the man

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2013
    Messages:
    790
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Re: Very confused - Think I'm gay one minute, not the next? Did I love my best friend

    Hi cm1092. Well... I think we share a few parallels (in most aspects, actually). I'm not sure how much I can help you, but you're not the only one.

    Tbh, you might well be anything. It sounds like you could be bi, if you've, um... noticed guys :icon_wink, watched gay porn, and had fantasies. But I don't think it's likely you're gay if you still have a yearning for women in both a sexual and a romantic sense. Thing is, it's not unheard of for straight guys to watch gay porn, since it could just be the fact that it is porn that turns us on. Granted, most straight guys wouldn't have it as their #1 preference in porn, but it's generally not seen as the most solid indicator, at least on its own. Have you had gay fantasies, without any porn? How d'you feel abut them? That's usually a better sign. If you had to choose between a relationship with a hot guy and a stunning girl, who would you choose? Or would you be frantically checking them both out to see which you'd want more? Bottom line is- trust real life crushes and fantasies more than porn. It sounds like, since you're a big fan of girls irl, you still have a notable attraction to them.

    Regarding the confidence issues, I think they can do a number on you sometimes. I've never had the drive to get out and meet girls either, and it's got to the point where I don't know if it's because of shyness or because of actual apathy. I don't know whether or not it would influence confusion about sexuality, but maybe feeling a lack of intimacy could push you towards confusion, since it can make you unsure of so many other things (just a thought that's been bugging me lately, but feel free to ignore it). Either way, I would sort out the confidence issues before worrying about the sexuality. IMO confidence is bigger than sexuality, as one can be kicked into the long grass while you find yourself but the other is a central part of your life which can really have a big impact either way.

    As I said I'm not sure that's gonna be "groundbreaking" for you, but I hope something here does give you a breakthrough of whatever kind.
     
  4. cm1092

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2014
    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Re: Very confused - Think I'm gay one minute, not the next? Did I love my best friend

    Hi sam the man, thanks for your response! I hear what your saying about the confidence thing, it definitely comes first.. Obviously it's easier said than done, but I know your right there!

    It's quite confusing as you know, but I've got to say yes I have on occasions had fantasies yes.. These only crop up though when I've got a certain person in mind that I currently like, as it also does with girls.. The person of the moment if you will haha :slight_smile: Again, how do I feel about them, I don't know. The girl fantasises always have felt natural and although only more recently in life, the guy ones do too I guess! I'd jump at the chance if I fell for a stunning girl and she felt the same. Actually I've just had a bit of a light bulb moment typing this, I definitely would jump at the chance! I've wanted a girlfriend for a long time and I forget that sometimes! But equally, I cannot deny that I'm noticing guys a lot more this last year or so and this is where the confusion stems from. There's a couple of guys at work right now that have me gawping every day! And I'm 99% sure they're straight!

    I noticed you have 'stuck' on your profile right now, so I guess your in a similar way? I liked your opinion on the intimacy thing, you might have thought it sounded daft but I actually think you could be onto something! Maybe we're looking for confusion where there is none? Lack of drive can definitely be labelled at me as well, and though I lean more towards shyness and maybe an inferiority complex with girls, maybe it could also be general apathy? But I can't deny some of the feelings at times for guys have been very real!

    Thanks for your insight :slight_smile:
     
  5. sam the man

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2013
    Messages:
    790
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Re: Very confused - Think I'm gay one minute, not the next? Did I love my best friend

    It's always gonna be tough seeing yourself in a relationship with the same gender at first since almost all of our mind is programmed not to even contemplate it. But maybe the "light bulb moment" for girls is the realisation that currently you'd rather go with a chick than a dude. Having said that you do check out guys (I have too at certain points), and they have got you gawping :lol: so that makes me think you're doing it without realising/ doing it because they're attractive to you rather than just you doing an analysis of your sexuality when you see them, right? So I think there may be something else going on there. To me it sounds like you probably would rather end up with a girl, but maybe your sexuality isn't so monolithic after all, which is fine. Let whatever you enjoy be your guide for now.

    As for the stuck, yeah. I am in a similar way on sexuality (right down to the guy who I don't know what I think about hehe), and it's also to do with a more general feeling of "stuckness" on a broader identity context. The whole intimacy thing is just a creeping suspicion on my part that maybe this confusion was brought about by my inaction with girls and shyness, rather than the other way round. After all, the shyness really predates the confusion. So maybe many of the things I think about are false attractions, my way of feeling attractions without actually having them lol. But in any case if there've been so many feelings and fantasies about guys, there must be something going on. After all, it's not the usual for a straight guy to voluntarily watch gay porn, nor is it common for one to voluntarily have gay fantasies without it, and I imagine rare indeed is the straight guy who thinks about that for months on end!
     
  6. Mikoto

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2014
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Re: Very confused - Think I'm gay one minute, not the next? Did I love my best friend

    Considering how you feel towards both men and women, I think ur bi.
     
  7. cm1092

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2014
    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Re: Very confused - Think I'm gay one minute, not the next? Did I love my best friend

    It definitely crosses my mind yes, I just don't know yet Mikoto! And to sam the man, yes it's just that.. This definitely isn't an analysis thing on my part, there is genuine attraction there when I do find myself gawping! It's just like you say though, I find it hard to see myself in that way relationship wise, although it's definitely crossed my mind. It's even hard when I go out with friends, I always want to go after girls (like the rest of them do too), but at times there have been guys that have caught my eye! Like you say, I'm going to try and just follow this and see where I end up!

    The shyness thing really does interest me. It's definitely something we're similar on, I feel at times my non-action at crucial moments, I.e. When out and seeing a girl, etc has caused a great deal of harm to my confidence. Maybe at a deeper level it's leaving my to question whether I'm even compatible with girls and if they find me attractive. I have randomly had people in the past few years ask 'Are you gay?'. It's not happened too often but enough times for me to remember. It's always been people I don't know too whilst out and about with friends or whatever. They seem to instantly make this assumption. It makes me wonder is there a vibe I'm giving off? Maybe that comes across to girls? Who knows! I'll keep asking the questions! I'm not worrying as much about it since hearing your side of it though, it makes me feel less... Alone with it :slight_smile: So thank you!! If I can ever help in any way myself, do let me know! It sounds like we have a similar mindset and experience with it all!:slight_smile:
     
  8. sam the man

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2013
    Messages:
    790
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Re: Very confused - Think I'm gay one minute, not the next? Did I love my best friend

    You're welcome, glad I could be of help. By the same token feel free to message me if anything's on your mind :slight_smile:

    You never know, there might be something correct in those peoples' statements :lol:. But that'd more than likely be down to pure chance rather than intuition. It might be that you're shy around the ladies, not very talkative, maybe a little sensitive, but none of those things are exclusively "gay" traits! There's no shortage of guys like that who are straight as a ruler, so they were likely just messin with ya.
     
  9. cm1092

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2014
    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Re: Very confused - Think I'm gay one minute, not the next? Did I love my best friend

    Your probably right! Maybe I'm just looking for affirmation there! I just wish I knew what I wanted, I think the biggest thing I'd worry about is what would people say if I said I was gay? I sometimes feel maybe I'd feel better or more myself if these thoughts I have were more out in the open with family and friends. But equally, what if I said I was gay and then suddenly met an amazing girl, people would be quite opinionated and questioning on that I would imagine! I shouldn't care about that I know! But I struggle not to. I don't imagine my friends or family would outwardly be any different with me but it would be the potential damage to their 'dreams' for me that would bother me, I.e. My Parents/grandparents. I wouldn't want to change anything with them either with our relationships with each other, particularly as I'm very close to my family.

    But yes, Thanks!!! :slight_smile:
     
  10. mcn283

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2014
    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Re: Very confused - Think I'm gay one minute, not the next? Did I love my best friend

    Hi cm1092! I saw your thread, and felt compelled to make an account and reply because I've been in just about the same boat that you're in lol :slight_smile:

    Regarding the confidence issues, I very much understand how you feel; I've never been in a real relationship with a girl, and only recently had my first kiss after a drunken game of truth or dare with a friend. Personally, I've always worried about getting rejected and have never really pushed myself to ask a girl out because of that. I've also found reasons not to ask girls out at the same time though; like finding flaws or just thinking that she probably wouldn't be the right one even if I did pursue her further.

    Regarding the experience with your friend and the confused feelings, along with your feelings for the guys you've been chatting online, I can also relate to that quite a bit actually lol. A friend introduced me to a gay friend at school, we became very close within a week or two after texting and spending time together, but that all ended for the most part after he told me he already had someone he was seeing in France because he was studying abroad for the next semester. Like you, I took that pretty hard because I'd been thinking about how I could go visit him at some point, and how we could somehow pick up where we'd left off when he got back.

    And now, I'm still somewhat struggling to completely get over him (you'd think it'd be easier than this, considering I don't even know him that well!) and still even more confused because those feelings conflict with the feelings I get sometimes when I spend time with some friends who are girls. I've also been thinking about how it would be easier if I just came out as gay, but then I worry about how that would affect my family life and my relationships with them.

    Personally, I've been working towards admitting that I do have feelings for other guys, as well as girls (at least for the moment!) to at least be honest with myself at where I stand with my sexuality. Sorry, I really haven't said anything that useful to help you, but more how I definitely understand what you're going through, you're definitely not alone! :slight_smile:
     
  11. cm1092

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2014
    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Re: Very confused - Think I'm gay one minute, not the next? Did I love my best friend

    Hey mcn283! That post was actually 10 times more helpful than you think, it's just nice to hear that so many of these thoughts in my head aren't just mine and that they're crazy or something! :slight_smile:

    I heard so much of what you were saying! Like my god yes the finding the random flaws in girls and wondering how things would turn out with girls in the long run!! And definitely the constant worry about being rejected! But probably the biggest thing you said was the fantasising you were doing in your head about that guy. How is it we get so hung up on someone we've known for such a short time? I found myself looking weeks/months in advance at how I'd be able to take time off work to go and visit and how he could come over here at some point. And yet I kept thinking, but hold on, all this excitement is coming from a guy, what is going on?!! And why am I constantly fantasising like this?

    As for my (former) best friend (I really hate saying that), I look at it differently. I'd known him as a friend for years and there was less frantic future planning going on in my head, instead with him it was just the start.. My first proper guy crush if you will, and it developed unbelievably quickly from there. With the online guy I was desperate to meet him because we'd clicked so well and the sudden loss of contact was, as you say, pretty hard to take. It's a very confusing time for me too right now, I'm lost in my own head! As you will have read I'm sitting on the fence of admitting to myself let alone others that I may be gay or bi. And the thought of telling people close to me I'm gay and potentially being wrong about that (I.e. A girlfriend suddenly coming into my life afterwards) is horrific!!! But I cannot deny these feelings I'm having right now, I'm noticing guys more by the day and finding myself almost pining for them! Although, yes I still like girls.

    I've only been a member of these forums for 2 weeks myself but probably reading them a month longer or so! But I've read a lot of interesting and helpful threads in my time here and your post is one of the best so far, so thanks for your message, it was nice of you :slight_smile:

    I'm sleeping funny hours right now being on nights so if my responses take a long time that's why! :slight_smile:
     
  12. mcn283

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2014
    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Re: Very confused - Think I'm gay one minute, not the next? Did I love my best friend

    Oh good, I'm glad to hear that it was helpful! :slight_smile: It was such a relief to find someone else who's going through the same things that I've been going through, definitely reassuring!

    I totally get what you're saying, it really makes no sense at all! Logically that would happen if you've known the person for a decent amount of time and have a pretty good relationship with them! And it still bugs me how I'm still not completely over it yet too; there's still that part of me that hopes something will happen between us (which is crazy because we haven't really talked for 3-5 months!) I've been racking my brain trying to figure out why he's still on my mind; the only thing I can really think of is that he was the first guy that I actually had a major crush on, and actually admitted it to him. Since things between us kind of just feel apart without any real closure of some sort, I think I've just latched onto it because I really don't know how to handle this kind of rejection (being my first "relationship" with a guy). Maybe since your friendship with your friend ended so abruptly (so sorry to hear that by the way :frowning2:) and you went on to the next guy who you clicked with and that ended abruptly too, you were never able to actually get any closure? (Sorry, that was a horribly long run on sentence!) Like since it's such a "new" situation to be in, it's difficult to let go of it without wondering how things could have ended up?

    I definitely understand being lost in your own head; I'm at the same place too! Like at work yesterday, I was in my own world when this athletic guy came into work, and I could not focus until he left haha. But then, later that day I heard a girl I used to have (and still kind of have) a crush on in high school broke up with her boyfriend, and that just left me more unsure of what I really want. And the idea of coming out as bi or gay, and finding out that it doesn't really work out for me is pretty scary too. I've been able to admit to myself that I am attracted to guys and girls, but I constantly wonder how other people would react if I told them that. If I were in a relationship with another guy, I would be just worry about how other people would change in their attitudes towards me. The majority of my family and friends would be accepting of me, but I still wonder and worry a bit. Like I understand that not all people might not be accepting or understand, but I don't know how much my life would change if everyone started treating me differently. I think that's my biggest worry, that people would look at me differently, and I definitely don't want that to happen!

    Hmm, I feel like there was something else important I wanted to mention, but I can't think of it for the life of me right now. Oh well, it'll come to me later! And no worries, sleep definitely comes first! :slight_smile:
     
  13. cm1092

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2014
    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Re: Very confused - Think I'm gay one minute, not the next? Did I love my best friend

    I think that's exactly what it is, I think not having closure on things can be a bad thing and it keeps it dwelling on your mind for ages. I definitely think it's had a big part to play for me with that friend.

    And I know, isn't isn't it just the hardest thing to get your head around! I have exactly the same problem at work right now, there's a girl in there I like and yes there is also a guy I like! Some nights, just the guy will have been in and I just find myself staring at him in awe (but don't let him see me looking, good god!!! Haha). And then the same with the girl, if she even says hello I say hi and then can't get out of there quickly enough so I don't embarrass myself!!! So crazy! Definitely the same as you in that I am able to admit to myself that I am attracted to both. I think people think that if your gay you like all guys, but it's not like that! It's a simple as being straight, you think some girls are good looking not all of them! And that's how I'm finding it right now, just as I think some girls are good looking I also find some guys good looking. And I'd be afraid to approach either to be honest! Girls because I'm too shy and guys because.. Well that would ultimately mean coming out!.. And am I even gay!!? Haha I'm sure you relate :slight_smile:

    I absolutely know my family would accept it, I'm very lucky with the family I've got even if they maybe would find it different at first and not what they expected. But like you, it's what damage it would do to their dreams for me and to the way things are now. Like my grandparents will go 'Ooo I'm just waiting for the day you meet a nice girl!'. They say it because that's just what grandparents do and for years I've wanted nothing more than to be able to bring a nice girl home! But how different would it be bringing a guy home? My parents equally, I hate to think of them saying we love you no matter what after I potentially come out, whilst silently worrying about life being harder for me or not having grand kids from me. Everything would be different for them, from their relationship with me to grandkids/weddings/everything if I was gay. It's exactly what you say, I don't want people to look at me differently. Friends, I could deal with. But family, especially parents/grandparents/sibling it would just kill me inside to know or feel that they are different with me.

    Haha you sound like me. I expect that after writing that post, you walked into a room and then forgot why you walked in there. I do that too. We're definitely crazy haha :slight_smile: I'm sure you'll remember if it's important! Yes I'm off to bed anyway, it's morning of course! :wink:

    Thanks again :slight_smile:
     
  14. mcn283

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2014
    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Re: Very confused - Think I'm gay one minute, not the next? Did I love my best friend

    I totally agree; just because I'm attracted to a guy doesn't mean that I'm attracted to all guys. Personally, I think people judge too much; when people think someone's "gay" they automatically associate certain characteristics with them, but that's not necessarily true! It's just a label! (That's an argument for another day lol :slight_smile:) Haha yes, I can definitely relate! I've thought about how it would be if I asked a guy out, or if I were in a relationship with a guy, and I end up with so many questions that I don't even know how to answer!

    That's great that your family would be accepting if you decided to come out as bi or gay! I completely agree; ironically my mom just told me that my grandma was asking me if I had a girlfriend yet. Haha not quite there yet grandma! :slight_smile: Usually when I think about coming out to my family, I think about how I could get around the disappointment of not having children and my parents not having grandchildren. I start thinking about adoption and surrogacy, but that's so much to think about when I'm not even in a relationship yet or ready to even be a parent! There's just so many unknowns that come with being in a relationship with a guy. For now, I've just decided to take it one day at a time. When/if the time comes where I need to have answers for those questions, hopefully I'll have them then. :slight_smile:

    Haha funny thing, that actually did happen! We've got quite a bit in common haha :slight_smile: And you're welcome! I should be thanking you just as much; it's definitely a huge help to talk all this out with someone who's been going through the same things. :slight_smile:
     
  15. cm1092

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2014
    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Re: Very confused - Think I'm gay one minute, not the next? Did I love my best friend

    I know, there's a million questions I don't know the answer to as well. I don't know how I will ever be able to know for sure what my sexuality is without openly telling a guy 'I like you' and seeing how things end up. But in my current state I just don't think I'd have the ability/guts to do that. I literally sit and think of how, you know what, I might actually be gay or at the very least bi. I think I can actually admit that to myself (some of the time anyway!). But then I think if that's actually the case, then wow my life is about to change in more ways than I think I'm comfortable with! So it's maybe why I sit on the fence with that thought buzzing round my head, maybe I'm scared of admitting it to anyone else? But I don't know how long I can keep this to myself now. The thought of keeping it to myself is driving my mind mad and it's also keeping me too wrapped up in my own head to ever meet a guy or a girl! But if I did speak to someone close about it (whoever that might be) it's out in the open then, and what if it's just my mind obsessing and it eventually turned out I wasn't actually gay? An Chandler Bing would say, 'Can open, worms everywhere!'. Questions questions!! :S

    It sounds like your in a good frame of mind with the one day at a time thing, hopefully when the time comes that's exactly how you feel :slight_smile: I sure hope it is for me whatever happens down the road, I just wonder what that moment will be which will make me take that leap of faith.. Because if it is a guy I ultimately fall for it will take an awful lot to actually make that move and admit to everyone else that this is who I am.

    Like you said, it's just nice to have a listening ear isn't it! It's definitely doing me some good as well :slight_smile:
     
  16. mcn283

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2014
    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Re: Very confused - Think I'm gay one minute, not the next? Did I love my best friend

    Ahh, I totally feel that way, especially lately! It's been consuming me lately; every time I see an attractive guy on TV or even just on the street, I just stop and start to think about how good looking he is, and how I am definitely attracted to him. And then I start wondering again, if I'll ever be ready to admit to others that I'm attracted to guys. Like you said, it's such a life changing decision! And it's hard to know whether it's the right choice, or whether I can handle all of the changes! That's good that you're able to admit to sometimes admit to yourself that you might be gay or bi (baby steps, any progress is good progress! :slight_smile:) Love the Friends reference by the way!

    I actually did talk to a close friend about my attraction to guys a few months ago. I honestly would not have brought it up on my own, but one time she briefly mentioned being attracted to other girls, and I almost brought myself to telling her, but I didn't that time. Then, a few weeks later, she started telling me more about it again, and I finally decided to tell her all about my bi/gay thoughts (she's the one who introduced me to the guy that I fell for quickly) It was super relieving to talk to her about it because she was basically going through the same thing, except she's much more open and bold about it! I haven't had a chance to talk with her or anyone else about it again (besides you! :slight_smile:), but if the right opportunity comes about, I may dip my toes in the water and mention it. It did help a lot at the time, but unfortunately that was about four months ago, and it clearly wasn't enough haha! Lately, I've been just feeling so lonely; I've been perusing various dating websites looking at the different gay/bisexual guys and thinking about how nice it would be if we were together! And to top that off, my "friend" who I feel for who went to France was looking at my Snapchat story today, and of course I'm still hoping that he'll try and talk to me again! Arrugh, so confusing, and it only leads to more questioning!

    Sorry it's taken me so long to reply; usually I'm much better at replying, but work and school have been consuming my life lately! Luckily I'll be finished with all that pretty soon :slight_smile:
     
  17. cm1092

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2014
    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Re: Very confused - Think I'm gay one minute, not the next? Did I love my best friend

    Haha don't worry, you'll soon be like me with my erratic replies! :slight_smile: And I like to include Chandler Bing in at least one thing I do every day haha!!!

    I know, it's very consuming. It's probably one of the most difficult things I've ever had to go through.

    Oh god I know, whenever you see a guy it's another affirmation that your definitely attracted, but then I think well could I do anything beyond admit to myself the attraction with the confusion I have? Could I ever get the guts to tell him? Could I ever go on a date with him? Could I bring myself to kiss him etc etc (and I'm talking the gay guys you meet or see here, not the random people in the street!).

    I say all these questions because I've found myself doing the same as you and going back to my online dating profile. I've always had it set to girls in the past but haven't used it in ages. But I went back on this last week and changed it to guys just to have a look around. I found myself being a hell of a lot less picky with the guys pictures I was looking at than I've ever been with the girls pictures. Did you ever feel that? It's like I always looked for the perfect girl or would find faults but that's a lot less on my mind right now with the guys.

    And another thing I've noticed really struck me. In my time on this dating site I've messaged several girls. I've never got a date through it, probably received about 3 replies with it in the whole time and girls on the site don't even view my profile or interact with my profile in any way. However since I've changed to the guys, my profile is getting 4 or 5 views a day from people who I haven't even viewed myself and the messages I send to the ones I like are replying a lot more frequently. I get emails now saying 'so and so wants to meet you' and it's really got me thinking. Is it because guys are just different than girls? Or do I genuinely look gay? Do I sound gay in the way I talk (or write in this situation). Is this why people in the past have randomly asked if I'm gay. It just makes me wonder, maybe there's a vibe I'm giving off and now that I'm pursuing guys they're picking up on that, whereas girls obviously won't be interested if they pick it up!

    I know what you mean I've definitely found myself thinking how nice it would to be together with some of them. I've actually met someone on there the other day and we're really hitting it off. I've told him exactly where I stand as far as not coming out yet, etc and he knows how hard it is and accepts it, but for now we're just chatting! I do like him but again find myself wondering whether I'd seize up on a 'first date'/kiss/whatever it might be. And even whilst talking to him I'm still asking the age old question 'Am I gay?'

    I'm so so sorry to hear your feeling lonely, I know exactly what that feels like I feel exactly the same. I can feel myself clinging to anyone who shows me affection and I'm scared of doing it with this guy now and blowing it again! I don't know what's made me so clingy, I'm definitely 100% scared of rejection. I don't feel accepted by many outside my (amazing) family. I think that's a major part of it.

    I've stopped thinking about my friend in that way through the course of time but the things that happened definitely planted the seeds. I know how horrible it is pining for someone you feel you can never have. It really is the hope that is the worst, but please know I'm always here for a chat on that one :slight_smile:
     
    #17 cm1092, Aug 19, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2014
  18. mcn283

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2014
    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Re: Very confused - Think I'm gay one minute, not the next? Did I love my best friend

    Haha that's I think you're completely right; I always post right at night right before I pass out for the night at random times now! :slight_smile: Lol maybe it'll be easier once I move back to school (doubtful, but possible)! And that's awesome; there's at least one great thing in your day everyday haha!

    I completely agree, it's much easier for me to find attraction to guys than to girls! This sounds super shallow, but I find any and every flaw with a girl for whatever reason (I'm really not like that in general, just in cases like this!) And with guys, it's almost the complete opposite. I can still find some flaws with certain guys, but with many I find it so much easier to overlook them, and potentially envision myself being with them in some way, shape, or form.

    I've kind of wondered the same thing myself; I haven't hit the online dating scene yet, but in general I've had a handful of girls who were interested in me in the past 6 or so years, and I've only been really attracted to one of them. The girls that I've been attracted to have never really been attracted back to me, and I've never made any real moves towards them. But with my guy friend who went to France, we just kind of clicked right away. He asked for my number (he asked for my snapchat initially, and then admitted he really had wanted my number [somehow I was oblivious that he was interested in me at that moment haha]) and we kind of just hit it off flirting with each other for the next week or so. My roommate/friend from school found out about us and whatever we'd had after we fizzled out, and was like "Oh, well it wouldn't have been a surprise if you were gay really." He's kind of made off hand comments like that since, and I've wondered how others have perceived me and my sexuality since (he's very oblivious about what you should say/shouldn't; he told me and my one girl friend that if we got married we would be perfect together because I'm "kind of more feminine" and she's "kind of more masculine." We were both slightly offended by that because he's even worse than me with girls and is pretty clueless about a lot of things, and he mostly said that because she knows sports better than I do haha! All taken with a grain of salt :slight_smile:) It doesn't really bother me anymore, as I've grown to accept my attraction to other guys, but I still wonder!

    That's so great you've been able to do that! Especially being able to talk openly to him about where you're at with your sexuality right now; that's a huge step! And it can definitely help you to sort out your feeling, and feel your way around with all this.

    I'm sorry to hear that you feel the same way. :frowning2: It's not a good feeling! But at the very least, it's good to know that there's someone else who understands what you're going through. :slight_smile: I worry about doing the same thing. And I'm sorry that you don't feel accepted by others outside your family. You seem like a really great guy, and you shouldn't be concerned if you feel they don't accept you; that's everyone else's loss more than yours! If they don't take the time to get to know you or understand what kind of person you are, than they're not worth your time.

    You're really making great progress between chatting with that guy online, and moving on past your friend. Congratulations on all of that, I'm really happy to hear that! :slight_smile: And thanks, that's so nice of you! I'm always here as well; I haven't been consistent lately, but I promise to always respond as soon as I can :slight_smile:
     
  19. cm1092

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2014
    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Re: Very confused - Think I'm gay one minute, not the next? Did I love my best friend

    I agree, I'm definitely finding that I'm much more likely to accept and overlook 'flaws' in guys than I ever have naturally been with girls. It does sound very shallow from us, but I know exactly what you mean! :slight_smile:

    A lot has happened actually since I spoke to you last, so its probably a good timing on your part with replying! :slight_smile: I've been close to opening a new thread recently describing some major issues I'm having with thoughts and worries. I've been speaking pretty much daily with the guy from the dating site since I spoke to you last. We've progressed from the site to Skype, snapchat, facebook and as recently as last night phone numbers and our first phone call! But this is where my worries begin.

    We've slowly got more comfortable with each other and I've told him many of the things I've told you; namely that I have feelings for guys but this is as of yet, not known by anyone else. He on the other hand is gay and out. He knows how hard it is and understands, what he doesn't know however is that my mind is filled with doubt about whether I might even be gay or bi at all! I can say here to you now, that I am developing feelings for him. I only have to look at him and think he's unbelievably cute! And I've told him this! He feels exactly the same way and I always look forward to talking to him :slight_smile:

    We've got to the point where we have both said we want to meet. He lives just under an hour away from me and what he has said is that, if I want to (I do), I can go and visit him and spend the day there. If I want to (given the distance), he's also said I can stay at his families' house if I want to. Which has opened up my mind to a lot more worry and doubt with regards to my family and, mainly, parents.

    I'm very close to them and they know that when I'm off work, I don't go out all that often. If I do its always with friends, and they know where I am and who I am with. So what on earth am I going to say to them here? Suddenly I'm travelling 40 odd minutes down the road to meet a guy and I might stay over too. If I tell them that they are going to assume that I'm gay. Another option is for me to lie and say that I'm getting together with an old uni friend and might be staying over. But that to me simply isn't an option, I love and respect them way to much to ever lie to them. So my final option is coming out. Oh god!!! :S I suppose my biggest fear is that I'd essentially be coming out as bi or gay so that I can test the waters with a guy and figure myself out. If I'm gay, great! If not, I'll be coming home and will have completely ripped apart my life for nothing! I'm very worried about how to approach this now. I really want to meet him but am equally scared about how to bring this up (if at all) with parents and I'm also very worried about the chance that I'll 'risk it all' only to find that we're not right for each other or just don't hit it off.

    I'm in a difficult stage right now and these most recent events are proving the most testing I've ever faced. I truly do not know which direction to go in :frowning2: Indeed, if anyone else does read this please do feel free to add your input! I need all the help I can get right now! :slight_smile:

    And thanks for your help once again mcn283! You continue to be a pleasure to talk to and thanks too for your kind words! Your really helping me!
    Could you BE any nicer? (Chandler Bing returns hahaha)
     
  20. mcn283

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2014
    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Re: Very confused - Think I'm gay one minute, not the next? Did I love my best friend

    Ahh oh my gosh, there's so much going on in your life right now! Yay, you've made so much progression so far; I'm super happy for you! :slight_smile: (I had a mini excited freakout, and then a slightly panicked freakout as I read your whole post lol)

    That's a really big step for you, and I can completely understand your worries. It's kind of an ultimatum/turning point moment for you. By meeting this guy, you'll be able to figure out if you're bi/gay, and if the feelings you've been having over the internet/phone for this guy hold to be true in person. And that's definitely something that has to be addressed at some point; I know exactly how you feel! I've been pondering your situation for the past half a day, and here's what I've come up with so far: (Sorry if it's not that helpful, I plan on posting again once I'm all moved back into my apartment tomorrow - Moving stresses me out too much to function properly!) Is it at all possible for him to meet you half way, or out by where you live? Like maybe he could meet you at a bookstore or coffee shop, someplace you might have good reason to go to after work, where you could potentially have a less stressful first time meeting in case you didn't hit it off with him, or things didn't go as planned? That's really not an ideal solution I know, but at least then you can still have the opportunity to meet him without potentially having to have a talk with your family about your situation, and you could have a little less stress about the ramifications of a less than perfect scenario. Otherwise, if you do feel that you have no other solution but to talk to your parents, maybe you can approach it somewhat less directly, rather than coming out as bi or gay? Like maybe explaining to them that you're at a confusing place in your life right now, where you feel that your attempts at having relationships with women haven't really felt right, and your attractions to other guys seem to supercede your other feelings for women (not implying that this is only because your haven't had relationships with women)? You could explain that at this point, you're really not sure if you can declare yourself solely gay, or just bisexual, but your feelings for guys can't be ignored, and that you can't move past this until you at least meet with this guy in person. [If I'm not being clear here at this point, what I'm basically saying is you could tell your parents your unsure of your sexuality, and that meeting with this guy could help you to figure out if you really are bi/gay.]

    I hope some of this helps you a little bit! I'll be brainstorming throughout the next day to see if there's anything else that might be helpful to you! :slight_smile: And you are so very welcome; I'm glad to that I'm able to help you, and thankful that you're able to help me too! Haha love the Chandler Bing references; its always good to end on a positive/funny note! :slight_smile:

    And try not to stress out too much about your situation; I totally understand why you would because it's such a big part of your life right now, and it's scary to think about how it will all play out depending on your actions! Just take it a step at a time, and no matter what happens, you'll be able to head down the right path! Plus I'm rooting for you across the pond with crossed fingers that it'll all go well! :slight_smile: