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Sudden confusion

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by 87Willow, Jul 28, 2014.

  1. 87Willow

    Regular Member

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    Hi,

    I've just joined EC because something happened this weekend which has thrown up a lot of questions for me.

    I'm 27 but I've never had a proper romantic relationship. I tell myself that I'm just waiting for the right person, but I never seem to be able to be able to start anything with guys even if I find them attractive and like spending time with them.

    I have crushes on men occasionally and I did have a great experience with a man once (but only once in 27 years!), so I thought this was proof I was straight, just terrible at relationships.

    This weekend I was with a guy and we were snuggling. He was stroking me and we started to make out. It was then it struck me that I was feeling nothing and that I've never really felt anything when I've been with a man, except the one time I mentioned above.

    Now I'm really confused. I don't know if I'm attracted to women but I know there have been times when I've caught myself looking at other girls and just dismissed it as admiring her clothes or just appreciating her body in a non-sexual way. I think I might have just been really naive. I'm also beginning to re-evaluate some of my past friendships with girls and I think it's possible I've had feelings for some of these friends.

    I'm still not sure though. It could be that I have a very low libido or anxiety issues around sex, but I think I ought to start exploring my sexuality to see if I have better experiences with women.

    I've tried to talk this over with a friend, but she's straight and I'm not sure she really understood. So, forum people:

    Does this sound familiar to anyone?

    Does anyone have any advice on how to begin experimenting?
     
  2. femmesday

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    The whole looking back at your relationships and making excuses sounds just like me. I fell in love with a girl, but I never admitted it until it was too late. I thought I admired her, considered her an older sister or sorts who guided me through things. But it was more than that. At a party one time a girl came up to me and wanted to kiss me, so I kissed her but kept imagining it was my friend instead. I realize now that those girls I used to "hate" for getting attention from guys are actually women I'm attracted to. And I always saved pictures of women with tattoos, piercings, different clothing styles, hairstyles, etc., that I know I would actually attempt. I didn't want to be those girls or be like them - I wanted to be with them.

    It feels a little insincere sometimes, this retrograde attraction.

    I had a conversation with my straight best friend a few years ago. She told me she thinks every straight woman has one legitimate female crush in her life. I told her I thought the one I mentioned above was mine. Last week I called her and came out, and I told her that I was really in love with that girl. My best friend is really supportive of me, which is awesome.

    I don't know how to help with experimenting. I didn't necessarily experiment. Just had an unrequited love.
     
  3. freeapril

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    Yes, this definitely sounds very familiar! I don't really have any advice for experimenting...I just wanted to say I can relate to your post! :icon_bigg

    I also have told myself similar things, like I haven't met the right person, it is normal to find the female form attractive, I am just anxious about having sex, I'm just having libido problems because of being under too much stress, etc., and while I guess all of those things could be true, the more I feel the need to make excuses like that for my thoughts and feelings, the more I think I am probably not straight. :grin:

    I have been thinking that the only way I can know for sure is to either fall for a woman or try being physical with one, but I also feel like I need to be emotionally close to someone before wanting to get physical, so I have decided so far to just get out more and meet more people and just be honest with myself about whatever feelings of attraction I might develop. I wish there was some kind of shortcut I could take! So far I haven't found one...every time I tell myself to just trust myself and accept that I am gay already, all the old doubts come right back! But maybe that will change with time....
     
  4. TheStormInside

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    It sounds very familiar. I only had one relationship with a guy, and he was a friend for years before we got together. The relationship was much shorter than the friendship, and I was never comfortable doing physical things with him despite the fact that I really loved him and had crushed on him for ages before. Aside from him there were a couple of other guys I had minor crushes on that never went anywhere, and I realize in retrospect there was no actual sexual desire. I told myself I am a loner, it's my anxiety that gets in the way, maybe I'm asexual, and so on. I only realize now what I was missing, since I made a decision to allow myself to really be open to myself about my feelings, and have been finally experiencing actual sexual attraction, toward women. For a long time I buried those feelings deep, found other explanations for them, pretended they didn't exist. Now that I am letting myself experience them, however, it's like a new world has opened up to me.

    My suggestion is to try to be open with yourself, as well. Maybe you'll find that you have attractions toward women. Maybe you'll find you have attractions toward men, and it's anxieties getting in the way. Maybe you'll find you are attracted to both, or to neither. Either way, you have to be willing to be open and honest to find those answers :slight_smile:
     
  5. 87Willow

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    Hi,

    Thanks for all this, it's good to know this sounds familiar to some people.

    I guess I'll just try and keep an open mind about it for the moment, even if that means I'm just going to be confused for a while!