Wondering if I'm a lesbian or not :/

So I joined a while ago and I've been putting off making a board about this for a while. I figured now is a good of a time as ever, so... Here it is. I'll try to keep it short but we all know how long this is going to turn out.

So I've been questioning my sexuality on and off for a while, recognizing I might not be straight in grade 6 I think to start. It was in grade six that everyone started to show interest in others and I... Didn't. I had a good friend of mine, one of my only friends have a crush on me. I turned him down, I wasn't interested in him, but he and his other friends annoyed me most lunches for the rest of the year. It was around that time when I realized I had never been attracted to a guy before, and I wondered why?

Even when I was younger and my mum and grandparents would talk about me settling down with some guy at somepoint I was less than enthused. The thought of being with a guy in the future didn't sound that appealing. So in grade six when I found If never been interested in guys... I accepted that. But without considering I might be attracted to girls I thought "well maybe I'm asexual. Yeah, let's go with that." I didn't want to think about the possibility of liking girls. So I forgot about it for a while.

Later on my only real friend was curious if I was straight or what.(She's the Any mentioned below) I felt uncomfortable about the question, I wasn't sure myself. I had never been confident I was asexual and I'm almost positive in not now. I told her that "I'm me and I'll like whoever I like," and she dropped the conversation. She ended up asking me a few times, where I answered the same, or I would just grunt. Her most common question would be to ask if I liked girls. I would usually grunt in a neutral tone and change the topic. Recently I learned she had been questioning herself too and she now believes she is bisexual. Anyways, I've never been confident of my sexuality. I've never considered myself straight and it took until mid elementary school for me to learn there /were/ people who weren't straight. When I learned about that it interested me, and I found myself admiring them for knowing themselves so well.

In grade 7 I tried my best to ignore my questioning thoughts, and for the most part I succeeded. I

t wasn't until this last school year that I've started questioning myself a lot. I'm not sure when this hit me, but suddenly one thing was in my mind: what if in a lesbian? The question wasn't something I had thought about much before and for a while I tried to stop thinking of the possibility, but it stuck in my mind. So I started to think about it a lot. Whenever I wasn't doing schoolwork or talking with my best (and for a long time, only) friend I would probably be thinking of it. And for a long time it scared me because I didn't know how others would react. I was worried about my brother and my mother, and the rest of my family but for the most part I was worried how my best friend, who from this point I'll call Amy, would react. I figured she would react well, but I didn't know. So I kept all of my questioning to myself. I would think about the past few years. Did I ever have a crush on anyone? I could remember having any, but past Amy I never really had any female friends. Any ones I had would always move away within the year. So I continued to question all year. I thought about where I could see myself in the future, could I ever see myself with a guy? With a girl? And I found it seemed a lot more right to me than the thought of guys ever could. So I continued thinking and I remember the times I would be walking around the school with Amy and I had this thought and an urge to kiss her. I didn't of course, especially with the fact I thought she was straight at the time. I actually remember telling myself she was straight a lot, even before I was questioning myself a lot. Come to think about it, that was probably what made me question my sexuality in the first place! Anyhow, similar things happened later in the year. With pretty much my only other friend, who I'll call Tianna, the class was watching a movie in the music room on one of the last days of school. It was digital literacy and we had finished everything, so the last few days were setting up the gym for assemblies and watching movies. Now that friend I had always thought looked quite beautiful, and that day with the lights off watching the movie I had the urge to lean over to her a kiss her. I didnt, though, for obvious reasons.

So then school ended, and it was summer. I was actually dreading the summer because I usually spent the entire thing on the computer or with the chickens, except when Amy slept over and I would actually see a face besides my family's. By that point I had been thinking about my sexuality and not telling anyone for a while and I felt like I was going to explode- but then recently Amy came out to me as bisexual, and I was the first one she told. The first thing that popes into my head was "she's not straight" and then I did my best to make her feel as normal as possible. She was trying to keep calm, but if you knew her well you could tell it was very important to her. So I told her I was completely fine with it. We continued to talk about it until I finished making us lunch and the conversation dropped. The entire time I wondered if I should tell her about me questioning myself. The most courage I could work up was to text her once she fell asleep (she was sleeping over) and wait for her reaction in the morning. So I did. She reacted well thankfully, and so I didn't explode from not mentioning it to anyone. And no, I haven't told her about my thoughts of her, because I'm more cowardly than, well, pretty much anything.

Other than all that, and probably more that I've forgotten about, I've also had dreams relating to this. I've had dreams where somewhere in the middle a lesbian couple get married or something similar, and I've had dreams where my dream-self hesitated to go near a girl, but once she did she was very happy. This being between or in my normal non-sensual dreams of course. My brain loves giving my dreams like flooding basements looking for illegal fish and pyrimids and golf in outer space.

But yeah, I'm sorry this got so long, I tried to keep it short. This probably is completely obvious to anyone but me, but what do you think? Lesbian, bi, straight, asexual? Again it's probably really obvious to everyone else. I just have a problem with questioning myself with everything and worrying that anything I think I know is actually wrong. I'm also worried that I might interpret things wrong, and get it wrong like that. I mean, it took me a month and a half to have the courage to write this down to all of you, do... I'm sorry for my probably awkward wordings and disjointed thoughts, but for any of you reading this far: thank you! Anything you say, no matter how small is helpful.

 

They make good friends. That's all I've ever really thought about them. We generally have similar interests and get along, but I don't think I've ever been attracted to one. I can tell if a guy would be considered "hot" by other people, but I don't think I have attraction to them

 

Yeah, I guess so. It's just really frustrating not knowing. I hate the feeling of not knowing probably over any other feeling. Thanks anyways.

 

Anyone else?

 

Thanks guys.
I'll definitely take my time with things. I understand what you guys mean, and I don't want to limit myself based on what I /think/ I think. It's nice having people to talk to about it.