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Strong SS physical attraction, but yearn for romance

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by kosygin, Jul 29, 2014.

  1. kosygin

    Regular Member

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    Hi:
    First post as a newbie.
    Having been in the closet most of my life, I have come out to a few of my closest female friends at work in the past year and am enjoying that liberating experience.
    And I have really begun exploring and trying to understand my own sexuality and where I stand as far as men and women are concerned.
    I have to also mention that I have Asperger's Syndrome which is something that I have lived with growing up and something that I work on in therapy to understand and to help me feel more comfortable in social situations.
    I have become fascinated with the idea of physical vs romantic attractions and now understand that bi-sexual persons can feel strong physical attraction for one gender and romantic attractions for the other.
    I have always had strong romantic and emotional attractions for women -- that dreamy sort of longing to be with them; to connect emotionally with them and those feelings of longing when they are away. I have always liked how women look; their physical beauty and I always notice and pay attention to attractive women when I see one out and about.
    The thing is that I haves always felt uncomfortable and awkward when trying to become intimate with women. I feel more comfortable having a few women as close friends -- but frustrated with having difficulty becoming intimate with women that I do feel attracted to.
    I've had a few sexual relationships and I was even married and separated. But those relationships were relatively short -- year to two -- and the sex was OK for the most part, but nothing that really ignited my soul so to speak. I seldom think back and reminisce over those memories and really have no desire to relive those experiences which have a been-there, done-that quality to them. But I still have yearnings to be romantically close to women.
    Now to counter my romantic desire for women, I have had a long-term same-sex relationship with Frank who we grew up together and lived in the same neighborhood -- actually we were neighbors. The relationship became intimate in our teens and continued
    on and off for about thirty-five years. I had a few other same-sex flings as a teen, but Frank was my sole same-sex relationship during my lifetime. Frank was sort of a brainy nerd who always came off as a know-it-all, didn't have many friends in school and got along better with adults. He wasn't well liked and he was hard to get along with. If not for our strong sexual bond, we would never have remained friends after high school.
    The first time I saw Frank there was just something about him that attracted me -- It wasn't how I notice women -- their beauty, their figure or how they look in jeans -- but it was like his entire essence attracted me.
    For me, the relationships that I had with women always waned after a while till where I would lose interest -- and I don't really take notice of men when I'm out and about -- just seems that there are only certain types of men that I find attractive. In fact, most men don't really attract me in the same way that a woman would.
    But with Frank, we formed a strong sexual bond that continued for thirty five year. We had sex hundreds of times over that period -- the seeing fireworks variety. And that physical attraction never seemed to wane over that time.
    In fact, I always went back to Frank when my relationships with women waned.
    About seven years ago circumstances came up where me and Frank were no longer together -- He had a heart attack and bi-pass surgery and I was going through financial issues and a separation. (I'm 60 and he is 63) And though we still live about 20 miles apart, we hadn't seen one another face to face. I wanted to get back together with Frank -- in fact, most of my fantasies -- about 90 per cent of them -- have always been about Frank. And I often imagine reliving our intimate experiences from our past, but maybe doing a few things a bit differently that would have made our relationship even more exciting. Frank was always a bit reserved and had difficulty just opening up and letting himself go.
    Well, about this past Christmas I finally made phone contact with Frank. And it looked like we would be able to get back together again. But he had a few medical issues again and things dragged on. I called him a few times and he always seemed to have some excuse -- that he was too tired or too busy -- and he would say that things aren't how they use to be. He has put on a lot of weight over the years, but I never lost interest in him and in the past we never had problems getting together or finding a time or place to be intimate -- it would just happen.
    Well after about six months I gave up on getting back together with Frank and we haven't spoken for about six months now. I've told my female friends at work that It should't take six months to get back together with someone.
    Well now that I've been separated from my wife and from Frank I'm trying to sort things out for myself as to how I should pursue another relationship.
    I am I good health for my age -- I cycle and exercise -- and am still physical attractive.
    People have mistaken for me someone in their thirties.
    As things happen, I have been celibate for about five years -- and not by choice.
    I think about Frank almost daily, but it seems that that relationship has run it's course.
    There is a female at work who I have a crush on -- I have romantic feelings for her -- and we engage in lighthearted flirting. And she seems to like me. But I was never that comfortable trying to move a relation with a woman to something more intimate. And even if it did become sexual -- I think it would only be for the short term and just wouldn't match the intense physical feelings that I had with Frank.
    I have considered having a same-sex relationship, but there are no males that I can say that I have a crush on or am interested in. To find a male that I could feel passionate about and who could totally let go of his feelings would be nice -- but I don't see that happening in the near future.
    And so I find myself without a meaningful partner - and not sure as to what direction I should take. Should I even give it another try with Frank.
    Sorry for the long post. I am a newbie hear on CC, and your input would be much appreciated.
     
    #1 kosygin, Jul 29, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2014
  2. AKTodd

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    Assuming that things with Frank have run their course, you might sit down and try to categorize those things you were really attracted to about him to help inform any search for another partner. Then again, perhaps you should consider exploring the waters and seeing if you find enjoyment in the new.

    Just because you don't check out every guy in sight doesn't mean you are only able to be attracted to one person. It could just mean that you are usually focused on other things. Perhaps take some time to allow yourself to check out other guys and see if there are any particular types that you find yourself drawn to.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
  3. kosygin

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    Hi:

    Thanx for your input and I appreciate your taking time to reply.
    I think that when one has been in a intimate, long-term relationship it is sometimes difficult to accept that things may have "run it's course."
    Sometimes it is difficult to objectively say why someone would be so strongly attracted to one particular person -- particularly when that person might not fit the standard definition of good-looking. It might be that, as you said, certain qualities or traits that I focus on, and I don't really want to try to force some sort of attraction when none really exists.
    I guess that if we really knew what sparks that magical quality that sets someone apart as special things would be a whole lot easier.
     
  4. Robben

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    Hello,
    You may try filling out some profiles with dating sites to get a clearer picture of the relationship you desire to have. There are many different sexual expressions one can begin to make as a homosexual. It seems like you are tired of celibacy and feel a little shut down or cut off after a serious long term relationship. It sounds to me that if you are saying you are Bisexual you may have an easy time chatting with people on-line this may help you to get a sense of the type of character strengths and weaknesses and the character building you need to make. There is no point in being isolated for having let go of a love affair, and there is no use in pretending that you are not Bi sexual if you find both sexes attractive. If you can allow the opposite sex to relate to you their experience you may be able to break the ice, and see how far you can go either way. There is nothing wrong with casually letting someone else know about the situations and circumstances you would like to change. Not all relationships can last 30 years. it may mean you have to take chances again, and share with others your secrets and truths even if you don't know if you can be serious with them.