I'm sure a few of you followed my story with ocd and my sexuality. The ocd is dissappearing now luckily only for me to be left even more confused as before. My therapist is helping me work through feelings and thoughts but thought I would get your opinions. I honestly never thought I would be in this situation. If you wasn't following me a few months ago I grew up extremely attracted to women. Everything about them. Then one day my life got twisted upside down. At 18 my ocd latched onto me being gay. This lasted 6 months but walked away from it with no real attractions to either sex. Still went about living straight. Had a few serious gfs and slept around alot. But the emotional side to sex was gone. Didn't give it too much thought I honestly forgot what attractions felt like. I was happy with it. I could be friends with both sexes it was awesome. Then 8 years later bang it comes back then a few months ago I started to be attracted to guys. It just keeps growing. The problem is my body doesn't react. I try fantasies about guya. Nothing. I watched gay porn all the time and still nothing I've spent all year trying but haven't been able to climax once...my attractions to women still haven't returned. But when I force myself to fantasise I get arroused. And on occasion when I get a surprise Skype call from a women I get massively turned on. Even though my attractions are for the different sex. my dreams are never about sex with men just about being gay and finding guys attractive, but I occasionally have sexual dreams about women. From what I have learned sexual orientation cant change, my sexuality therapist has never heard or dealt with a case like mine, but today we talked about something interesting that quite possibly I'm bisexual and back when I was 18 the conscious noticed it and the ocd violently repressed it and in turn repressed my straight side, and now the gay side has taken over my brain won't let me see the straight side until I have dealt with this. I think and hope this is quite possible. I'm in a relationship with my soul mate but we have taken a break during this time for me to sort things out....all I want in life is to be with her. So I might be latching onto this fantasy. But again I know I was once straight so unless everything we belive about sexual orientation not changing this has to be the case right? I hate the gay side but luckily I'm open minded so I know in time I will be OK with it. But I want my straight side back so much. I actually yearn for my old feelings back.. This isn't a case like I've read many times that I've just realised I'm gay because me and my therapist both agree on that. I can't relate to anyone's story to be honest. But what are people's opinion on this, I know the brain can do incredible things but do you think a legit theory or am I just looking for a scape goat.... It all seems far fetched and surreal...legit or fantasy? ---------- Post added 30th Jul 2014 at 01:02 AM ---------- It feels wrong taking any identity. Gay doesn't work because it's too surreal and I don't get aroused or have desire to go have sex with men plus it invalidates my previous feelings, I definitely can't use straight anymore, and bisexual doesn't fit because frankly I don't understand it yet and my attractions to women haven't returned yet, even though I do know there has to be something there for me to get arroused. I'm currently still using confused
hi. I have a similar story as you know but there are some differences. When I first thought that being gay was my issue the very next day I was walking around the city with this sensation in my butt and getting groinal movements to guys which made me totally freak out. They were so strong at first that it felt like I was about to spontaneously ejaculate upon just talking to any old guy on the street, people that I knew a long time and only a couple of days before felt nothing towards. I can make myself orgasm to guys by stroking myself vigorously. Mostly I find it hard to get aroused to thoughts of them or gay porn but sometimes I can get aroused and come. I used to do mental checking which involved me visualising myself having sex with women which gave me a boner (or as good as boner as I can get with my E.D. probelms), then I would visualise having sex with a guy and feel nothing. I used to do that ovver and over but in the last couple of years its started to change a bit. I find it harder to get aroused thinking of girls and sometimes I can geta reaction to visulaising guys. I dunno if I have trained myself to do this though. I feel numb inside too. I have very little joy in life anymore. Even when I smile Im unhappy inside. What age are you? Im 32 and been in this state since 25.
You guys shouldn't use porn to figure out your sexuality and just think about how you feel about men outside or porn .
Dude we have already spoke...I know your story lol. I'm 25 hence why I'm I'm therapy now because I don't wana be suffering till I'm 32. It sucks doesn't it. Stress will fuck up any arousal you would be experiencing. Your brain is the biggest sexual organ there is. Depression kills it too. For what it's worth you sound straight but again you might be bisexual. I don't know you so I can't really say...again get therapy it won't be quick it could take a year or 2 to undo the damage you have done, sounds like a long time right....but if you don't you could be suffering till your 42. It's much easier giving advice than receiving it and actually putting it into practise. My man I wish you all the best. I spend most of this year thinking of suicide but the longer it goes on the more I see it will get better. I can't think of anything worse than being gay. Im the typical straight guy but that's how I feel now. If I have infact turned I don't think I will ever be pleased about the situation but time is a great healer and eventually I will find peace and so will you....
