I've always wanted to have a girlfriend, but the experiences I've had felt weird and a bit wrong. I've never felt weird around any guys and I think all people are beautiful in their own way, but more recently I have been noticing guys a lot more. First of all I am still a virgin and plan to stay that way until someone special comes into my life. This has left me thinking it is more mind over matter. So I'll be absolutely honest: I have never kissed a guy or anything more either however I have cuddled up to some of my male friends just to feel warm and imagine how it would be to cuddle and sleep together with a guy and have a boyfriend. On the girls side of things I used to hit on girls often and would make dirty jokes in a sad attempt to be funny, and I have had two girlfriends. The first girl was very casual and flirty with a lot of guys and made me feel jealous so I hung out with her friend a lot and was pretending to kiss her whenever she looked over at us. But we only texted and talked a lot and then she decided not to go any further. Few months down the line I discovered that my friend Amy from school really liked me and we spent weeks of our school time playing games and trying to complete them faster than the other one and we had so much fun, eventually we started dating and eventually after four months I shared my first romantic kiss with a girl. It felt good but after I felt horrible and as if I shouldn't have done it. By the time we were together about a year she started moving things up and surprised me by trying to touch my penis, and it got really weird and I just walked out upset but not crying. I felt like I had wasted a whole year with a girl for nothing, we had great times but the actual relationship felt wrong. So I broke up with her and got really angry and swore several times at her when she didn't understand why I left her. I feel terrible for doing that now but I can't talk to her as her family and her think I am a pervert of some kind. Maybe I just haven't met the right person, but I haven't really checked out a girl but I attempted to get a girl as that's what everyone else was doing. Now I have left school I look back and think why I even bothered. But when it comes to guys I just love the look of so many. I have a lot of fantasies about straight guys and I notice many muscular guys and cute guys nearly everywhere I go. I also love the attention and company of men although sometimes I have no idea why things like money and having a car are so important. I really do want to have a boyfriend to cuddle up with and kiss, but I'm definitely not ready for anything more. I want to find someone who is willing to wait, and loves me for who I am and just wants to make me happy a true partner who really wants to be together not just for sex. I have had crushes on most of my male friends at least once and all my friends are also guys too. I have tried to cuddle and cheeky me also joked about kissing them but I just really feel like a man is what I want. I don't know what else to talk about but I'm trying to come out to my mum as gay or bi and I'm unsure which is more me. Sorry for the extract from my life story.
Don't be quick to label yourself yet. I have a question, how did it feel when she touched your penis, did it feel awkward, sexually stimulating or completely indifferent toward it? In my opinion, keep exploring. Go to a gay bar and meet other guys, see if you feel confrotable being intimate with guys. I was in the same position as you last week. I've had sex with girls, had four girlfriends, but it never felt right. I always looked more at guys - sexually, and only at girls for their beauty. Once I was finally exposed to such gay environment, I knew I was at home. It definitely made me sure that I was finally gay, even though I haven't had sex yet. Also, I know this is weird, but what porn do you usually see? Straight, lesbian, gay... this also is a pretty good indication. I personally cannot get my penis to be erect watching straight porn, only gay. I came out to my mom as bisexual two years ago, big mistake. I believe that you shouldn't tell anyone about your sexuality until you're sure of it. My mistake was telling most of my friends and mom that I was bisexual, and then having to explain two years later that I was gay. It was a big mess.
Thanks for the input massive, I actually came on this site just to meet more guys and I find myself way more comfortable being intimate with guys and cuddling. I haven't tried being with a guy yet as all my friends are straight and I wouldn't want to do anything I'd regret. When I was with my gf it did feel really weird and I didn't enjoy it at all. I couldn't talk to her after because I felt like I was being used (but we did consent to it) so I just felt too awkward to talk to her anymore. As for porn I watched straight for a long time, then looked at lesbian quickly and I've been watching gay porn for two years now and I'm addicted to it I don't watch any other porn anymore. I often spend time around gay guys but they don't know I am gay and I haven't been to a bar yet. It was my 18th birthday yesterday and I did wish for a boyfriend in my mind so I do hope to have a guy in my life in the future. Thank you massive I know the next step for me now
