Bisexual Confusion

Ugh, this is a long one, so thanks in advance to whomever can stick with me through the whole thing. I usually never use forums like this, but I have no bisexual mentors to go to and no therapist at the moment, so I have no idea whom to ask. I thought I'd give the anonymous internet a shot. (If the context/backstory is too long to read, scroll down to the :help: icon to get to the meat of things.)

So, I'm bisexual. I know that for sure, and I'm out to all but a few family members here and there. And, like, people from high school I don't talk to anymore. But I'm definitely bisexual, and I'm attracted to people who fall more toward the cis-gender end of the gender identity spectrum (very male-identified men and very female-identified women).

I didn't know I was allowed to call myself bi until about 3 years ago. I had my first female crushes and lesbian sexual experiences in college, but up until that point, I had only dated/been with men. I thought I was just a straight girl who'd hooked up with a couple of girls (often when drunk). When I graduated, I was in a committed relationship with a guy, but I started to realize that my...extreme interest in lesbian movies, lesbian literature, lesbian porn, etc., was more significant than I first thought. I realize now that even as a young girl, I was always fascinated by (and very interested in) the concept of lesbianism. So, after some reading, I decided that even though I was more into guys (i.e., not "50/50") and was in a committed heterosexual relationship at the time, I definitely had some same-sex attractions and thus identified as bi. I tested coming out to my best friends and my boyfriend at the time, and the reactions were all like, "yeah, duh, obviously." LOL.

Anyway, coming out to myself was huge, but it also made me panic about my relationship - I was sort of terrified that I'd never, ever get to really be with a woman. I wanted women really badly. Luckily, my relationship with the guy wasn't great for all sorts of other reasons, and we broke up about 2 years later (last summer). I immediately got on [a dating site] and was only visible to women. I started going on a lot of dates and started casually seeing some women for a month here, or 3 months there, and so on. The thing is, I never saw any of them as potential long-term girlfriends. I started missing being with guys, even though the connection and sex with girls was incredible.

I don't WANT to want guys. I honestly wish I was straight-up lesbian--I love the connections with women. Emotionally, it's just so much more satisfying. My problem is that the guys I tend to be attracted to (very masculine) tend to be the kind that are also gender-typed in less appealing ways (emotionally clueless, not thoughtful or others-focused, not feminists). But yet, there's something about a boyfriend--just him being bigger than me, being able to pick me up, be in control, and some of the heteronormative gender dynamics--that I really like (and I feel like SUCH a bad feminist for this). Anyway, while I was seeing women, I started to wonder if I'm bisexual, but hetero-romantic.

Anyway, I switched to [another dating site] and started seeing guys. It was fun and disappointing in all the ways you'd expect. Not nearly as emotionally satisfying (or sexually, even), but all it did have the fun heterosexual dynamics of seeing a man. There's just something about it I can't explain. I still fantasized about women and went on a few dates with women, but primarily, I was on a heterosexual kick. Ultimately, it was an incredibly mediocre experience. The one guy I liked best totally ghosted me, and the other two I was semi-interested in weren't enough to keep my attention. Then I met E.

Actually, I've known her for years--we went to college together AND we work together. I knew she was bi and we went to LGBT event sometimes. We'd even dated some of the same women. But we connected on a different level one night, admitted to some feelings for one another, debated the dangers of hooking up (since we work together), and ultimately ended up in bed. It was fun and secret and exciting, and she's the first woman (in my limited experience with women) I saw myself dating. And so eventually, I started referring to her as my girlfriend, we were less secretive around coworkers, etc. We were a thing. I loved being with her--the friendship was great, the sex was great, the lesbian community was amazing, and we had fun EVERY weekend together. Total high. The downside was that she was SO attentive. Not clingy, but after all the guys I had pseudo-dated, I didn't know how to handle that level of communicativeness. And I just felt like something wasn't quite there.

Since I like stereotypically gender-typed people, I've found the following:
--With the types of guys I'm attracted to, when I wish they would pick up on something subtle, they usually don't. But when I DON'T want them to pick up on something, it's all good, because they still usually don't.
--With the girls I'm attracted to, they pick up on things and are so thoughtful and open. But when I don't want them to pick up on things, it's a problem, because they usually do anyway.

Basically, E and I drifted more toward friendship after a few months. Something romantic was missing--I just couldn't get passed "I really like you" to "I'm in love with you," and I didn't think I would. Right at that time, I met C--a guy.

C hit me like a lightning bolt and the connection was instant. That's when I really took stock of how lukewarm I had been feeling toward E. Up until then, it was good to be with her, but when I met C, I realized how I could go crazy for someone. I could barely eat, my brain was all fuzzy, the works. We saw each other a couple of times briefly while he was in town, but he lives in the UK, so he's far away now. Meanwhile, E and I had the nicest breakup ever, and we were in total agreement: the friendship was great, the sex was great, but something romantic was missing. We're still good friends.

C and I have kept up with one another, and I'm planning to visit him in October. At first, it seemed like he hit all of the checkboxes that I like (sexy, sweet, and socially aware) without being a hyper-masculine asshole (maybe he hasn't had all the hyper-masculinization exposure as a European guy). But, getting to know him more, he can be sort of emotionally clueless and sort of thoughtless from time to time. Of course, he's human--we've all got flaws. But now I'm sort of wishing I was seeing a woman, and I find myself missing the girls I've dated (even though I know I don't want to be in a relationship with those girls in particular).

:help: So, here I am, bisexual and confused as hell. When I'm with a guy, I just want women. I watch all my queer movies, read my lesbian novellas, and fantasize about women. But when I'm with a woman, I feel this pull toward men. Unfortunately, I'm not polyamorous--I think I'd be way too jealous to have that sort of dynamic in my relationship. But am I doomed to always want what I don't have in my current relationship? Will I grow out of this? Since I'm not looking to settle down right at this moment, should I just stop worrying about it for now? But what if I can never have a single lifetime partnership because of this?

I haven't found a woman than I've felt I can fall in love with, although I really wish I was a lesbian and only wanted women. I WANT so badly to only want women, but it just hasn't been the case. Then again, as far as falling in love, I've been dating males since I was about 15 and have been in love with 3, maybe 4, of them. I've been dating women for less than a year. Could this be an exposure thing, rather than a gender thing?

Sexually, I can go either way. Honestly, I usually get off way more with women, though sometimes I can be slow to warm up to the situation. Conversely, with men, usually I'm like "I want to jump his bones" at first, but lose interest in sex or am ultimately unsatisfied (unless it's with a very committed partner). But still, there's this je ne sais quoi with men. Am I bisexual, but hetero-romantic? Ugh, I really don't want to be. I should add that drunk, I am so gay. I mean, like most people, horny in general, but really a lot more down with women.

I don't know if this is about not finding a good fit on a gender basis or on an individual person level. I am so, so confused.

Thoughts? Advice? Anyone been here before?

 

You really nailed it here. Definitely the stress and fear I'm dealing with right now.

Well, I do appreciate the responses--reading them, as well as other posts in the forum, definitely makes me feel less crazy. I've just been all over the map, but I suppose I'm not the only one. God, I am so not patient, yet it seems like my only course of action (or inaction) is to wait and see. :/

 

It's tough - I was definitely dreaming about girls for a long time (and still am). I hope you get a chance to have that experience if it's what you feel like you really want/need. Though I can't say it made things clearer for me, given my current state of confusion, at least I figured out I'm bi. That's something. LOL.

And yeah, so far, maybe it's been an issue of not having the right fit with a person. I just attribute it to the gender, switch directions, then get disappointed and switch back. I don't know. I suppose I'm just laying low with respect to dating right now - I need a break. I mean, I'm sort of lonely and scared I'll never meet the right person, but I think it's better for me to take some time for myself and just be single for a bit.

...God, I never thought I'd say that.

And I so feel you on the feminist thing. :icon_redf

 

Hahah, yeah, I've met some damn sexy women who look femme (which is what I tend to go for), but who also can take control, ask me out to dinner, push me up against a wall and kiss me, etc. They're out there for sure. I just haven't met the one I'm ready to fall in love with yet. But I have learned that just because the traits of femme and assertive/sometimes dominant don't stereotypically go together doesn't mean there aren't women out there who embody it. Fuck those stereotypes! LOL.

Gosh, it's so tough when you're in a relationship. I know that feeling. Have you talked to your bf?