After all this time, unfortunately still unsure about my sexuality

Hi everyone, I thought I'll just make one thread for this because I've been exploring my sexuality for a long time, and I thought it'd be nice to put everything here, maybe gain some insight and advice?

As you can see to the left I've actually identified as lesbian/biromantic but I'm not always (and at the moment not now) entirely sure if I am.

A brief history is that I've grown up for a long time in an entirely heterosexual environment. Couldn't imagine or even realize that being with a girl was possible for a good chunk for my childhood. I've had crushes on both guys and girls in the past. I'm not even going to over analyze any of those. Hardly ever sexual with guys, a few crushes on girls, and finally one sexual + deeply romantic for one girl. I haven't had too many crushes. A few (but not all) of the crushes on guys I was interested in in the past occurred within a pressured heterosexual environment- eg when all my friends couldn't stop talking about dating boys in grade 6, and when there was prom in high school and I didn't want to go alone, and girls were only going with guys, so I kind of pushed myself to find a boy. The strongest crush I've had was on a girl.

As for celebrity crushes, I've had plenty on both guys and girls. Can't really tell which ones were more of a "oh, they're great, and also I can appreciate they're really good looking," and which ones were "oh, they're amazing and I would date them and also I would totally sleep with them in an instant."

As for fantasies and porn, I've gotten off on pretty much any porn before. Before I knew that sleeping with girls was a possibility, and before I knew how lesbian sex worked, I was only exposed to gay porn or straight porn and related fantasies. So that's what I got off on. I never thought about dick when a guy was involved- eg I could imagine anything from waist up and it'll be okay, but I never thought about anything waist down. And if there was anything waist down, I wasn't the one performing the act. After I found out how lesbians had sex, and soon after I fell for a girl (very much so- it was one of the strongest crushes I've had), I began getting off on lesbian porn and girls mainly, and I left the other fantasies pretty much behind.

I began questioning my sexuality after I fell for this girl, after I started watching lesbian shows (and got really into them), after I watched some lesbian Youtubers and I instantly went, "I really want a relationship like this." I practically dove head first into LGBT media and didn't want to really emerge again. I follow loads of lesbian blogs on Tumblr so I expose myself to a lot of that, and it doesn't make me uncomfortable or unhappy, I find them pretty cute and sometimes really hot. Usually more so than with heterosexual relationships. I spent a long time exploring and getting into LGBT media, and I loved it. After a few months of this I was pretty certain I was gay. So much so that I could feel the desire and "wanting to be" gay. It's weird saying "wanting to be gay" as if it's a choice and it isn't. But that's how it felt like. It made me happy, I was comfortable with it, and I lost practically all interest in guys after I got into LGBT stuff. I stopped checking out guys (I do occasionally still, but I'm pretty much disinterested now) and started checking out girls. A lot. And I enjoy it, I enjoy all of it (when of course, my anxiety isn't getting in the way).

The problem is I have had issues with anxiety and obsessive thoughts ever since I was around 11 or 12. Doubts get in and they don't get out. For a period of time when I was questioning (a pretty tough time kind of plagued full of doubt and possibly a fair amount of denial) I was exhibiting serious symptoms of "homosexual OCD" (pretty sensitive topic, apologies)- but funnily enough, it was the other way around than usual. I wasn't scared that I was gay, I was scared that I was actually straight.
I would watch lesbian porn and check to see if I was turned on-if I was, I felt happy and relieved. I could dress seriously purposely as "stereotypically lesbian" (what does that even mean) as I could. I'd check out loads of girls, get excited, feel relieved. I got nervous and uncomfortable when I found guys attractive, because I would go, "Woah. Maybe you're straight?" It would cause huge anxiety. I exhibited almost every symptom of "HOCD" but the other way around. Once I realized this I snapped out of the cycle and more or less decided that, fine, I am who I am. Don't stress it. Don't force yourself to check out girls and to get off on that because if you're happy with who you are that's who you are. I stopped compulsively masturbating and checking back and forth to see if I'm "genuinely gay." I stopped getting super nervous seeing heterosexual sex or romantic relationships and compulsively comparing it to a gay one to see which felt more right, to validate that I am indeed into girls. I stopped acknowledging and obsessing over doubts in my head (you're not really gay you just want to be 'special', it's just a phase and you're going to grow out of it soon, etc etc. These thoughts caused HUGE amounts anxiety for me) and it got better.

So after that I more or less accepted that I'm lesbian. But once in a while a few doubts do come back.

Like recently I've read a few posts about lesbians who've been really into and loved the idea of lesbian relationships, loved lesbian media, groups, etc, for years but then never got with a girl and ended up with a guy and realized their label was wrong. I've read posts about people who've thought they're gay and were absolutely elated and comfortable with that idea and been as hugely involved with LGBT media as I am until suddenly another crisis comes along and they have to completely and utterly reevaluate.

I wonder constantly if I'm "faking" this or forcing this. I wonder constantly if I'm just repressing my feelings for guys (they have occurred before just not much anymore, if at all.), and they're going to suddenly appear and I realize I'm straight all along. I wonder all the time, and it's scary. I wonder if it's only because of all the media I consume (then again though, there's heterosexual media everywhere I turn and yet they don't do as much for me 99% of the time as LGBT media does). I wonder if I'm just making excuses for that crush on a guy friend I had that lasted like two weeks max and faded out without warning rapidly, leaving me super confused and guilty, especially since he was interested in me. Loads of doubts, most of which I know sound completely ridiculous.

So yeah, apologies about the long post. This is all I can think of for now and hope I can get some insight? Thank you so much to everyone

Some side notes:
the idea of a penis really doesn't do anything for me, never really has, so I have considered the label bisexual but felt more comfortable with the label lesbian but biromantic

 

Thanks everyone for the nice answers

To be honest I don't think you can just... "want to be gay because I don't want to be straight." The thing is- if being straight makes you happy, and being gay isn't your thing, why would you want to be gay in the first place, right?

That's sort of what I realized after a while. Although I was more or less okay with a romantic relationship with a guy, being with one long term and having sex with a guy was not that appealing. Realizing that I could be with a woman made me happy, the entire idea just felt more right for me. It is me. It is, and the more I continue on with my life the more I realize that although I may sometimes still find guys good looking, and appreciate all that, and can even be in a very close friendship with a guy, at the end of the day I'm happier with women. I "want" to be gay because that's who I am. I think a better way of phrasing it is not "I want to be gay" but instead "I want to accept that I'm gay."

I think my doubts were just a way of my denial actually. Part of me just wanted to make any excuse to prove that I'm actually straight. Ah well. I'm still going through my little journey and things are getting better, it's just that at times I still question. But everyone has their struggles and at the end of the day we all deserve some happiness and peace of mind.

Thank you so much for the above by the way. It makes sense and I think that's what I realized too. Why would I gravitate to liking women if I didn't? Unless liking women made me happy, it wouldn't make me happy. And it does haha, it's great and when I can truly accept that without my anxiety it makes me happier than I have been in a while. And true, while I rarely use fantasies and porn as an indication of anything, I have realized that well, I can find women hot. And my body likes it I try not to over think any of this, I just try to let things be as natural as possible. I guess suppression and all that is a possibility but I should just let things be. Let me be happy with what (and who, of course) I'm happy and comfortable with.

Thank you as well! Sounds like you had a tough time too and hope things are better now. I guess it's really a long journey of exploration and just as not all heterosexuals are the same, not all LGBT people are the same either. It's just figuring out who you are. Thanks for the support

I hope that you'll be alright and good luck- yeah, it really sucks stressing out and doubting everything :/ For a few months of questioning that's all I did. I would be sure of my sexuality one moment, panicking the next, and sometimes I still do that. But I more or less tried to take things more slowly now, and not try and force anything. We like who we like and whoever makes us happy and we should embrace that I suppose. That's really it at the end of the day.

So yeah, glad to hear that we're not alone in all this and hope we can figure stuff out clearly soon. I just wanted to put my experiences here to see if anyone could shed some light- I mean, looking back on all my experiences and thoughts and feelings, it can be pretty confusing as we all understand.