Hi all! Okay, so I am about to provide a lot of information, but I would really appreciate it if you would keep reading and help me out! This is a lot but here goes! So around a young age, I started masturbating (just "rubbing" that area) and I'm starting to feel like I may have been molested, but I don't remember anything so I just have come to the conclusion that I started at a young age. Well I've also had extremely bad OCD my entire life. When I was a kid, I would be paranoid that someone was going to kidnap me and I had a huge obsession with trains and going to jail...completely random stuff that would just TERRORIZE my mind. Around middle school, I started thinking if I didn't do certain things (wash my hands, flicker lights on and off a certain amount of times, etc.) I would die, but all of this sort of went undetected. I was a seemingly normal child who hung around with my friends a lot and was in a million different activities. I had some bizarre neighbors who exposed me to movies like crybaby and would talk about sexual things and I just felt like I had all of these really strange thoughts, but I slowly started becoming busy and avoiding them for school and activity friends. I remember feeling turned on by two women when my sister was watching an episode of sex and the city and I remember just randomly being turned on by women to women contact at a young age--I don't know how young. My guess is late elementary school. Well throughout my life (I am almost 23) that has not changed because I watch lesbian erotica and get turned on by it. ANYWAY, I have always been extremely girly. Never played one sport, always just having a ton of friends, don't remember ever being possessive or having any crushes on any of them whatsoever. Still would randomly fantasize about females but never once thought "I'm gay." I was/still am boy crazy. Especially in high school and college, I had deep feelings for guys. When I'm drunk and feeling frisky, it's my first instinct to flirt with guys. I crave to kiss guys. I am a huge romantic and watch movies/read books with romance and am always drawn to the male character. When I am walking the street, I get nervous when I see a cute guy. However, I still have the random female fantasies and noticed that I am always intrigued by lesbian couples. My OCD has gotten pretty bad and I have had numerous suicide attempts, so I've been forced to take a hard look at myself. My mind is designed to always be preoccupied with something instead of just being happy. I obsess. Before, it was about thinking I had cancer and I was going to die. I would make myself throw up I would get so anxious. Now I am preoccupied with being gay. So a few honest statements from me and the way I think before you offer any advice: 1) Would I rather be straight? Absolutely, but is life ever what we expect? no 2) Would my family be mad if I were gay? Maybe at first, they'd get over it and definitely just want to see me happy after everything I have been through 3) Am I still sexually attracted to guys? Yes. I have had crushes recently that I have fantasized about, but I have to have at least some feelings involved. 4) Do I realize the importance of sexual attraction in relation to sexual orientation? Yes, being an obsessive person has allowed me to do extensive research on all of this. 5) Do I enjoy sex with men? I've had sex with about 10, all drunk. The one who I had a brief relationship with (then he moved away so we broke up) I had serious feelings and that sex was pretty enjoyable but we only did it like once or twice sober cause we didn't live near eachother so would go out on the weekends then meet up. Maybe I'm bi? Maybe I'm bi-curious? Maybe I'm a lesbian, maybe I'm not. One thing is certain, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. My life has been filled with fear of death and dying and being gay and being a bad person and I have lost 30 pounds, gained 50, you name it. The problem is, my mind is unable to process things clearly. I will read something that says "you fantasize about your sex? you're GAY!" and then read ten things about how it's not just black and white and how sexuality CAN be fluid, but I will believe the statement about being gay automatically. I never planned on actually posting, but reading some of these threads has not helped me at all, because someone else's situation is not mine. To summarize, I sometimes fantasize about women and when I'm horny, women on women just does it for me. I get turned on by gay men but not quite as often. I have had severe OCD my entire life, so I am unable to process anything in my head without my thoughts shouting "you're gay!" and when I try to rationalize or at least play devil's advocate with my thoughts, my thoughts tell me I am in denial. I am not talking to a guy right now because I moved and don't know anyone, but when I'm talking to/dating someone I like, I really like them. I read something and some girl said "you just think you like them.." and that scared me. I would like to think I can at least validate that what I'm feeling is real, especially having all of these foreign, scary thoughts my whole life dictating my peace of mind.
I'm really not sure how to help because I do have much experience, so all I can say is hang in there. You'll find yourself eventually
Lets start with I am sure you know by now that the human mind does not work in a black or white like we wish it would. every mind is different through life experiences, genetics, and external influences. We as humans have always liked both sexes, we are attracted to other humans, its just who we are. I feel you are trying to put it in black and white and sadly its not that simple. As you can see even from this community you can like both sexes. I do understand that the OCD does not help with the idea that you cant be one way or the other. You dont need a tidal for your self are simply a human who has desires just like any one else. I would suggest to explore some more so you can find out if your fantasy's have even more power in real life. It would be a good first step in helping to understand your self. I am not an M.D. btw I only offer these words as a suggestion, and as a possible outlook on life. If you feel you need to talk more about this or even help in any what I have said you are more then welcome to message me.
