1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

List of facts...tell me what I am

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Pinkerblue, Aug 2, 2014.

  1. Pinkerblue

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2014
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    1) I am 23 and a half and confused

    2) I am extremely girly...never been into sports. Obsessed with make up, fashion,etc.

    3) Have horrible OCD and have been since I was young, but got worse in
    college...constantly fearful I have cancer, I'm going to go to jail, my newest obsession is if I'm a lesbian

    4) Have fantasized about girl on girl since a young age, but never once had a crush or feelings for a woman

    5) still sexually attracted to men and have had really deep feelings for some/crush very easily

    6) When I go out or when I'm on the street, I notice the cute boy, not a girl.

    7) I do, however, always notice people who are clearly lesbian/butch just because it sparks the fantasies I have

    8) My OCD makes me feel like I'm just in denial, and I'm a pretty rational person, but my brain is overanalyzing every little thing from my past and haunting my thoughts like "why would you fantasize about women if you weren't gay", "it started at a young age so duh you're gay", etc.

    9) I love the show orange is the new black but I like can't watch it sometimes because it arouses me so much!

    10) I feel like I go back and forth a lot? I'll tell myself "I can totally see myself with a woman" but in my most rational state, I really cannot

    11) Would I rather be straight? Yea, I would. No denying that, but hey, I know gay people and I know my friends and family would love me no matter what

    12) I research this stuff alot lately and have researched stuff on les couples in the media which I heard means you wanna be a les but I also have researched some other pretty absurd things with my OCD because that's exactly what it is--an obsession

    13) It's really frustrating. I feel like I've always known I'm different because of my OCD, but now I feel like since this is my latest obsession, the very core of my being is being questioned. I think the most frustrating part is that it is not really clear to me. If someone were to say "you're gay, so go be with women now," I wouldn't be super thrilled. I think a big part of me would still naturally have feelings for men and want to be with a man, even if it meant my fantasies were becoming reality.

    14) I discussed this with my sister, who knows me better than anyone, and thinks I am not gay. She is not homophobic whatsoever and is fairly liberal and just wants to see me happy. She shares my attraction to women/fantasy but I'm not sure hers go as far. She is very laid back and has a boyfriend and is just like "you know what, you're not hurting anyone with your sexual orientation, so I don't think you are, but if one day you decide, then that's more than ok!" She says whatever gets you off gets you off and she fantasizes about her boyfriend with another woman.

    15) I've watched the L word, but only for the sex scenes, not so much the romance or whatever.

    16) When I watch a movie or tv show and see an attractive guy, I am like a little school girl. I was watching pride and prejudice the other day and was like dying I love mr. darcy.

    17) As far as sex with guys go, I am like boy crazy especially when I'm drunk, but I've had so many issues with my OCD that I never really got into a serious relationship. I've had sloppy drunk sex, and I'm always down but never like super excited to do it. The one guy I did it with sober it was pretty dang good....There were a few people that I really liked but it ended on their end, not mine. Probably because I don't have my shit together (I'm getting there).

    18) I love gay people! I don't want anyone to think this is about me trying to be like "please god tell me I'm not gay." Like I said before, would I rather be straight? Yes. Not so much for societal reasons but more so because that's what I genuinely want: a man. After all the suicide and sadness and OCD I've been through, I of all people know life is not some cookie-cutter fairytale. I think I seek answers to everything (when it is worrying about an illness, I struggle to know if I am going to die). Maybe there isn't an answer? Maybe there is? I guess I'm kind of angry at myself. I've had all these problems, and now I'm just attributing them to possibly being gay, but that's really not the case. If anything, the problems I've had have caused me to not really assess all of this clearly.

    19) Lately I have been thinking about dick more. Well, this one guy I really like's dick. I was also reading a novel that was very sexual and the guy saying all this stuff to the girl and I was imagining to be her and I was getting turnt up (don't hate me for using that).

    20) If you read all of this, I so appreciate it and bless you!
     
  2. Really

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2014
    Messages:
    2,579
    Likes Received:
    753
    Location:
    BC
    Are you seeing somebody about the OCD? Plain old questioning one's sexuality can cause all sorts of ideas to bang around in your head and become almost obsessions so on top of OCD, I can imagine it's quite a bit worse. Maybe your therapist, if you have one, can help you separate the two.
    Since you mention having attraction to men, if you do like women too, it sounds like possible bisexual to me.
     
  3. asdfghjk

    asdfghjk Guest

    only you can tell you what you are!!!

    i mean u sound hella bi or at least curious but I am not in your head which you should be grateful for
     
  4. Lucaaa

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2014
    Messages:
    83
    Likes Received:
    0
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I think you are bisexual with a preference for men or a sexual-only attraction to women. There are so many different types of bisexual, it's totally fine however yours manifests.

    Altering your identity and traveling into foreign territory is scary, so go easy on yourself amd give yourself time to keep evaluating your feelings about this issue. It's ok and normal to feel the way you do, regardless of your ocd. I agree that if you have a therapist, you should bring it up with them (if you're comfortable doing that).
     
  5. Tai

    Tai
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2014
    Messages:
    867
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    CA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    To me you sound bisexual and heteroromantic, meaning you'd be sexually attracted to both sexes but can only feel emotional romantic feelings for men. I think this because of the 10th fact, of not seeing yourself with a woman (a relationship, or your emotional romantic feelings), yet you are fantasizing about women in a sexual way.
     
  6. darkcomesoon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2014
    Messages:
    1,359
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New Jersey
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You said that you fantasize about girl on girl and you watch shows with lesbian sex, but would you actually want to sleep with a woman?

    If the answer is yes, I would say you are probably bisexual heteroromantic, like Tai said.

    If the answer is no, I would say you are straight. You can have whatever fantasies you like, but ultimately your actual attractions and desires are what dictate your orientation.
     
  7. ZeroDarkness

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2014
    Messages:
    64
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Only you will be able to decide that, as much as I would love to give you an answer, it's just going to be a guess from what you told me, but I'll try to help as much as I can ^_^ To me, it sounds like you may be bisexual or bicurious. The reason I say this is because you like the idea of sex with a guy or girl. You also stated that you have never had deep feelings for a guy before. This could mean you don't like romantic relationships with guys or just haven't met a guy before that you could feel this way with before. Honestly, the best advice I can give is to just assume you are bisexual and accept that for now. This way you don't have to stress out too much about finding out if you are lesbian or not. You can just date whoever and fantasize about whoever. Then when you get the chance to be with another girl you can decide from there. Labels are often too confusing, I label myself as bisexual, but in reality I just like who I like. Everyone is entirely different, so just find out by living. I know it's probably not the best help, and it's not black and white, but it's the best I can do :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  8. Budweiser

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2014
    Messages:
    279
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Colorado, USA
    I tried to do this EXACT same thing, just look on my blog on here. You can't factor this sort of thing logically. There isn't a way to say "OK, I haev this many points for bi and this many for straight, I must be xyz" I wish it worked that way but it doesn't. You have to just relax, stop thinking about it so much, and give yourself permission to look at strangers.

    ^ OK that sounded weird. I mean, give yourself permission to notice what you notice naturally.
     
    #8 Budweiser, Aug 3, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2014