At the moment, I am struggling to come to terms with some recent thoughts that I have been having about my sexuality. I guess it started around the time I was 11. I remember looking up a video on how to make out because curious preteen me was convinced it was going to happen one day soon (it still hasn't). As a result, I ended up watching a video of two friends (who were girls) practicing how to kiss with each other. I remember becoming obsessed with this idea and often fantasized about doing this with my friend. However at this time, I didn't think anything of it. I was in the middle school boy crazed phase. My friend and I would spend hours talking about our crushes. We even had a secret little binder. And then in eight grade, my crushes stopped. In hindsight, it was probably because the excitement of having one had worn off. In fact, the only 'crushes' I have had since then have all been on fictional characters (all of them men). My obsession with the 'girls kissing girls' videos hadn't stopped though. Since then, every once in a while I will spend hours Youtubing these videos, sometimes going as far as watching the extended ones. Because of this, I recently stopped to ask myself if this is what I wanted. If I wanted to end up with another girl instead of a guy. And honestly, I really like the idea. Looking back, I don't think I have ever been that attracted to guys. While I find their faces attractive, I have never been comfortable with the thought of a penis. Actually, I'm quite disgusted by it. I couldn't even imagine a true relationship with a guy no matter how hard I tried. But I can see one with a girl. Now after this long story, you might be thinking, "What's the issue? You seem to have come to terms with the possibility that you are a lesbian." The issue is that I'm not sure if I have. I have spent countless hours Googling pretty much everything I can. I have read/watched so many coming out stories. Read so many articles about coming to terms with your sexuality. I have watched dozens of videos of lesbian couples while thinking, "This is what I want out of life." But every time I say, "You know what, I'm gay." it feels fake. Even though I want to accept this part of me, it feels like I'm lying to myself. It feels like being gay isn't even a possibility. Is this normal or am I just kidding myself?
I think it's normal. I have been quite accepting that I'm gay, yet there are some days I'll think 'I can't believe I'm gay'. It can come as quite a surprise and it will take some time to adjust to the idea. The idea of being gay may not seem like a possibility because until the moment you realized you were, it wasn't something you would have considered. Give yourself time and this feeling will pass and it will seem more real.
It could be denial. I spent a long time telling myself I couldn't possibly be gay, even though all the signs were there, before I accepted it. It's true, a lot of what you wrote makes it sound like you probably are a lesbian. Still, and this isn't necessarily what you want to hear, all you can do is wait. Give yourself time to really think about it. Be very aware of your attractions. When you see good looking people, think about whether you would want to make out with them, be in a relationship with them, etc. and then see if you find yourself saying yes about girls, guys, both, or neither. And while you're doing this, try to really convince yourself that being gay IS a possibility, though it's not the only possibility.
Your feeling of disbelief is exactly how I felt from about March until mid June. Everything just seemed so surreal, I couldn't believe that I was actually attracted to women. I never would have guessed it, even though I knew it was true. What helped me to get over this feeling of disbelief was to recognize that I was still slightly convinced that I had to fit the stereotype of a lesbian to be attracted to women. That is not the case. It takes time to fully accept yourself; it won't happen overnight. Just let yourself be attracted to whomever you are naturally attracted to and it will all fall into place Feel free to message me or post on my wall if you have questions/ want to chat
I think what you're feeling is normal, and I'm going through it too. While I'm not out of the woods yet, I can tell you that, as others have said, it gets better with time. I've done exactly the same thing (well, with gay male couples instead of lesbian couples), and I get that "fake" feeling as well. It does get easier with time, and you will get more comfortable with the fact that you're going to be in a relationship with a woman. Realizing you're gay is a huge identity switch, and that's hard no matter how comfortable you are with the idea of being gay (or at least it has been in my experience).
I completely understand what you're saying here. Feeling like everything around my sexuality is fake or unreal was a huge problem during the first few months of me questioning (and to be honest is still kind of a problem now, but thankfully far less). I'm similar to you- I would watch lesbian Youtubers and sometimes I would just get so happy and I'd think, "This is what I want." I had a major romantic-and-sexual-real-deal crush on a girl before and a few smaller ones- and for someone who doesn't get intense, long term crushes very often, it should be a fairly strong indicator I like girls, right? Yet it still didn't feel real. Sometimes I would wake up feeling fully confident and aware of my sexuality, other days I would wake up slightly numb and disorientated, and everything feels very fake. It's scary, I know. But it's not unusual, so don't worry I think you have to give your mind some (if not a lot) of time to process this information, to be comfortable with it and for it to feel normal for you. Take some time to think about what you want, and not what society wants for you. It's easy to confuse the two- what's comfortable because it's what's the "norm" in society, and what's comfortable for you personally. I think because we're all raised in a society that emphasizes so much on heterosexual relationships, the idea of a straight relationship is ingrained deeply in our mind. It's what our minds feel is normal and it's what our minds feel we should do at the end of the day. It makes happily and openly saying to yourself, "I'm gay." or "I'm not straight," etc, a pretty difficult process sometimes. But over time this feeling does lessen. I would just let yourself watch some LGBT media eg shows, movies, read some books, and see what happens. It's what I did. I also follow a lot of lesbian blogs on Tumblr, so the idea of me being gay is slowly being accepted by my mind. Anyways good luck, I'll stop going on and on. Don't stress too much, go with what makes you happy and comfortable. I know it's scary and feels like you're in a dream sometimes, but we're all here to help and things lighten up (*hug*)
I've been feeling like this lately, myself. I think that what you've said about the stereotype of being a lesbian is totally spot on. I get this surreal feeling like I'm distanced from myself or that I'm lying, saying "I can't be gay" "This isn't my life" and so on. But then I ask myself "Are you attracted to girls?" The answer is "yes." Sometimes I think that the labels and the words can get in the way, because they carry so much baggage. I'm really struggling with this at the moment, I think part of why it's been hard to start coming out is because my brain has been retreating into denial mode, and calling me a "liar" even though I know that's not true.
