Only a week ago I was completely certain of my orientation, but now I'm not so sure again. I need your help. Some background: I first went to a co-ed primary school. I was a very strong, but reserved child. I only had a few friends, all of which were girls. The only time I would actually hang around guys is to beat them up, because I believed they had cooties. In fourth grade, I had my first crush. She was a girl who had come from another school and shared my passion for writing. As soon as she arrived at school, I was desperate to impress her and get to know her. However, she soon had to move away which made me very devastated. In grade six, other girls began to become attracted to boys. My friends would spend recess and lunch gossiping about them: saying which ones they thought were hot. I hated it, because I felt I didn't understand. When guys tried flirting with me, I felt so uncomfortable. There was one guy I thought I had a crush on, because I would always look at him, but i can see now my attraction was purely aesthetic. Afterwards, I went to an all girl high school. Because of my lack attraction to boys, I thought I might be asexual. But I knew this might not be the case. I was always looking over other girls and found them much more attractive than boys. Even from a young age I was rather touchy feely with my friends and would love snuggling them and holding their hands. Now I'm in college with boys and girls and I can see how strong my feelings are for women. However, I'm not sure if I'm just forcing myself to be lesbian. I had labelled myself asexual mostly to be unique and i'm wondering if i'm doing the same now. I feel I might be suppressing my feelings for men. I know find the female body very arousing and can masturbate to my lesbian fantasies, while with men I rarely find them attractive and get very little pleasure fantasising about them. I also have numerous girls at college I have crushes on. But, I can't get it out of my head that it might be all fake. That I am just making myself gay.
Yes, you sound like a lesbian. I realized I was gay when I was 12 and I know it's hard to wrap your head around first but you will get used to the thought eventually.
Yeah You seem like a lesbian to me. But Maybe you should take it a step at a time and don't rush. I'm exactly in the same place as you right now i knew I was gay since i was 12.
Remove the pressure and stop trying to fix a label to yourself...just enjoy the college experience...try not to doubt yourself...your feelings...just try to love and accept yourself...as you are right now (who knows what you will be 1 - 5- 10 years from now)...easier said than done, I know
Hey, reading your history, you sound more truly lesbian, than I am gay (or whatever it is I am, I'm in a period of exploration and discovery and can't pin myself down at all, right now), if that helps at all. The fact that feelings naturally arose when a child even, before you had ever heard or read anything about the lgbt world, suggests to me that you are not 'forcing' anything at all here. (I did experience some same-sex attraction as a child too, but not as much as you did, that's what I mean.) Please don't worry about society's expectation and pressure that you are somehow 'supposed' to end up liking guys. Some girls like guys, some girls like girls, and some like both and all of these options are perfectly fine. I too worry that I'm 'choosing' my sexuality to some extent, because when I opened my mind and began allowing myself the option to fantasize about guys as well as women, well I increasingly got into it...to the point where now, well I find my sexuality has kind of expanded somewhat. But I don't think we can really force sexual attraction. I mean, I can never feel sexually attracted to a tree. I could try for a hundred years, but the spark will just never be there. :badgrin: But guys, girls, and transwomen, I can feel attracted to. I know that sounds funny but really, I don't think we can force sexual attraction, it's a pretty personal thing, it runs pretty deep in our body and psyche. Anyway, from what you wrote, it sounds as though you are lesbian, but only you can find out for sure. Just be aware that there is a cultural expectation that we are 'supposed' to like the opposite sex, I feel this also sometimes, and I do understand how this subtle inculcated pressure can make us doubt ourselves sometimes. There should be no pressure to be anything, rather just get in touch with how you feel in this present moment, stay attuned with that. Sometimes I even find that my body 'knows' better about what I'm attracted to, than my 'mind' which is more prone to society's expectations. When I think of what I find to be a 'cute' guy, my body darn well gets aroused, no matter what my 'mind' thinks about it. Our bodies know. Sometimes we make problems by over-thinking things.
