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Had a thought and now I'm distressed. Am I aromantic?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by DominoSuis, Aug 6, 2014.

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  1. DominoSuis

    DominoSuis
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    It's been a while, sorry for not posting lately. Life's been busy. And bear with me... I'm confused and upset about this.

    I've been pondering my sexuality since I joined this board. I've asked myself, what am I? Does it matter what I am? I've challenged my views on romance and sex separately, examined whether or not the feelings I have are due to personal trauma or inherent nature. I've confided in close friends about my concerns and process. I've confided in family, too. Everyone has been very supportive and encouraging.

    I've always dreamed of being in LOVE with someone. Sex hasn't really appealed to me all that much; sure, I can masturbate, but the idea of someone being with me isn't... what I focus on, really. So in that regards, the idea of asexuality - something I haven't considered - isn't all that bad. It's almost a relief.

    But the kicker is the idea of being aromantic.

    I've never really 'fallen in love' with anyone. I love the idea of love, and I yearn to be happily married someday, feeling that amazing connection that people say makes you feel incredible and wanted and all of that. Yet I don't know what romance IS. I can't describe it; can't really differentiate the idea of platonic love from romantic love. I've always wanted romance but feel comfortable with just friends. When I try to question that, to see if there's anything more, I get flustered, confused, and unsure of myself. Actually, I occasionally feel a rush of love for my friends and I sit back and think, 'what the hell is this? Does that count as romance'?

    The idea of being aromantic - unable to experience romantic attraction - hit me hard, and I broke down into tears. It actually... scares me, you know? I've wanted to be IN LOVE for a long time, and I don't want to be alone. I want that 'special someone', the 'other half of my soul'. But I can't feel that. I don't know HOW to feel it. What does that make me?

    I guess... I guess I'm just posting to try and vent it out a bit, and asking for any advice from aromantics and anyone else out there who thinks they might be able to help. I don't cherish the thought of being aromantic myself...
     
    #1 DominoSuis, Aug 6, 2014
  2. wanderinggirl

    wanderinggirl
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    I don't know what useful advice i can give you. It's possible you just haven't met the right person; some people fall in love really easily, others take a long time. If you are actually aromantic, then you must do what we all must do: accept yourself for who you are. And it seems like you have some wonderful friendships and people in your life. You can still develop deep meaningful connections with others without having romantic relationships in your life.
     
    #2 wanderinggirl, Aug 6, 2014
  3. Chip

    Chip
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    I can imagine how frustrating it must be to not have clarity on this issue. Here's something that might help:

    You made an oblique reference to personal trauma. That is probably a really good place to start looking into what you are feeling (or don't feel). We absolutely know, quite well, that people who have experienced severe trauma, whether emotional or sexual, often experience PTSD or some subset of PTSD symptoms. One of the most common symptoms of exposure to severe trauma is a numbing down of emotions. (The emotional numbing can also happen for a number of other reasons, including a difficult upbringing, parents with anger or other emotional issues, unstable home life, and many other factors.)

    So very simply, without emotions, we can't experience love, attraction, joy, connection, belonging, or any of the things that are associated with romance or love.

    Therefore, if you think about it, if you've had trauma or anything that numbs emotions, you're going to not have romantic feelings. Is this permanent or hardwired? Absolutely not. So it is pretty silly to label it as an orientation, which implies that it's something fixed and unchangeable when in a very high percentage of cases, it is very changeable as one opens up to vulnerability and the connection and emotional openness that comes with it.

    So I'd encourage you to give some thought to whether any of the above applies to you, and if it does, the next step might be to explore what you could do to let go of the numbing and begin the process of reconnecting to your feelings. With that will come the romantic connection.
     
    #3 Chip, Aug 6, 2014
  4. DominoSuis

    DominoSuis
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    Thanks for your comments, Chip. I'm familiar with PTSD and it's averse affects on numbing emotions; it's a little frustrating, and difficult to come out of. I'm proud to say I'm much better than I was before, but I still give off a vibe of 'don't touch me' a lot without being aware of it.

    Thankfully, I have been engaging in therapy for my PTSD and similar trauma, as you probably guessed. It's been so helpful, especially just being able to talk about worried and fears, and picking up advice or techniques to deal with some things. It really is great.

    I've brought up the topic of romantic connections and sexuality with two separate therapists over the last few years, but both have gently told me that it takes time, or that it might just be the way I am. So I'm not sure how to really take that myself, particularly as I'm trying to discover 'who' I am.

    What I have noticed is that, in opening up more, I experience these 'rushes of love' that feel mostly platonic. And that makes me question, What IS Romance? even more. I've even tried googling people's explanations of romantic love and can't really resonate with it.

    But in the end, it still boils down to 'were you born this way'? or 'is the trauma still affecting you'? It could very well be the latter, since I have trouble reviewing past traumatic memories without numbing myself. Thank you for your input, I'm going to think about this some more and try not to freak out about the definition of 'aromantic'.
     
    #4 DominoSuis, Aug 6, 2014
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