Heyo, this is a pretty long story so I'll use bullet points. -I'm 20, M, straight -Fell in love with a girl in college, we became best friends, lost virginity together, were together for 1 year, then I ended the relationship out of nowhere (I felt we weren't "clicking" emotionally...also I had some anxiety issues and just kinda snapped) -This was 2ish months ago -Went to see therapist for anxiety stuff, and b/c I didn't know why I just broke up with best friend/love of life out of nowhere. -He's convinced I'm really gay, doesn't think I find relationships with women fulfilling enough. -Cites fact I've always had close relationships with women growing up, poor dating history, lack of male intimacy, that I did theater/choir/dance in high school. -I've always thought (and still do) I'm just an effeminate, emotional dude who just never really clicked with most people in high school. My high school idea of gay was flamboyancy and really muscle-y dudes having hardcore sex. Which didn't appeal to me. -I had the occasional gay fantasy (like, once or twice EVER) but was undoubtedly straight. -Don't know what to think now because my therapist who I'm supposed to trust is certain that I'm gay. -Past two days I went on Tumblr, looked at pics of gay male couples, kinda liked it, could see myself getting that intimate with someone. -Crap, what if he's right? I've never felt these feelings before. It feels kinda good and kinda weird. -Spent past day and a half now thinking I need to question and reexamine every aspect of my life because I may secretly be gay. -Really freaking confused because I like women, A LOT, but now the appeal is gone. Now that therapy-man opened up that can of worms I feel like I can't go back to being with women--like, I feel like if I were to start dating a woman I'd just be questioning myself all the time. -And I guess I could see myself with a guy, but...Idk...I don't know if I want to. I feel like my body may be attracted to guys but mentally I don't think it's what I want. It's been giving me quite a bit of stress. I've always pictured growing old and having kids with a woman, never a dude, but what if this is something I need to accept about myself? -Is therapist guy right? Can I trust him? It's literally only after seeing him that I've started having these thoughts/feelings? -Heck what if I'm really trans or something? What if I like women but just wanna be one? I'm sorry that was so long. I'm just extremely confused on how I'm feeling. Any thoughts would be really appreciated.
The therapist cited that? That's the stereotype, there is no direct correlation of theather/choir/dance and sexual orientation! A gay is a man who is attracted to another men. Forget about the "flamboyancy" stereotype. There are plenty of men types in the world This may be a clue that you aren't really straight, but not enough. This really strenghtens the possibility that you may not be straight after all. You do feel attracted to men, right? I mean, there is a type of man body you like, for example? Think about this. Do you feel you belong to the wrong body? You don't seem trans to me, you seem to be ok with your body, right? Well, not me, not your therapist, no one can tell you who you are. Only you can reach that conclusion. It appears to be clear that you like men, but i think you may be bisexual. Do you feel attracted to women too? Peraphs i brought more confusion to you, but i hope i have helped or at least guided you a bit in your thoughts. Anyhoo, welcome to EC
Your therapist can't tell you who you are. It sounds like you are confused on your sexual (who you want to have sex with) and romantic (who you want to spend your life with) orientations. We live in a heteronormative society, it is fairly common not to even think about questioning your orientation for years until something sets you off. Your therapist, by the way, sounds a little biased. Participating in things like choir, acting, and dancing don't determine your orientation. In the end, this is something you have to figure out for yourself, which can and probably will take a while. Doing some research online and experimenting in your mind, imagining yourself in different situations with a woman and a man to see what feels right, can help a lot. As for gender identity, I can't help much there because mine didn't take much figuring out. If you post in the Gender Identity and Expression Forum, you will probably get some better answers. In my opinion, from what you've written you sound bisexual, maybe, or heteroromantic bisexual, but I can't tell you who you are any more than anyone else can. That you said it felt "good and kinda weird" makes me think your therapist may be on to something. I hope this helps, at least a little. Good luck.
Yeah, that kinda grinded my gears a bit. Yeah, high school me was a little clueless. College & internet have been quite helpful. That's good advice Shit, maybe that's it. Damn I didn't even know there was the possibility for a sexual/romantic split. Figuring out how to navigate that (if that's really the case) will be interesting. Will analyzing all of my old relationships be helpful or cause more stress? And where the heck to I go from here in terms of dating/experimenting? And yeah, the stereotypes from the therapist were really offputting. I think I should talk to him about that. Thank you both, and thanks for the welcome! Your posts have given me quite a bit of mental breathing room. And it's nice to know I can be myself here
[/QUOTE] Will analyzing all of my old relationships be helpful or cause more stress? And where the heck to I go from here in terms of dating/experimenting? [/QUOTE] It could go either way. If you get stressed out about it, just stop. Do what your heart tells you and what feels right.
^ Grey Wanderer is right i think. Happy for you (really) We are always here to help or just to chit-chat.
I'm just going to put it out there, isn't the therapist supposed to guide you to your own conclusions and epiphanies and NOT tell you what is going on in your head? He should not be telling you you're gay unless you say to him "I like men". If I were you I'd be looking for a new therapist
Thanks all and jahow95, that might be what I do. I can't tell if he's making up issues that aren't even there, or if he's on to something, but I think it'll be better if I start seeing someone else. (He was too expensive anyway).
On the one hand he's just trying to bring up other options, and relationship issues stemming from being gay are the easiest to spot. If you've eliminated that possibility, then maybe it's time to explore others; maybe therapy will be helpful.
Ok. I don't think you should trust your therapist all that much. In any case the only judgement on your sexuality that counts is, at the end of the day, your own. Also the whole stuff about theatre, choir, your relationship history etc... strikes me as less-than-sound grounds for being outright convinced you're gay. I think he should really be pointing things out and giving you things to consider rather than just saying you're gay. So in terms of your attractions, I'll just throw around some things to think about. You say you've had gay fantasies once or twice before. Did you enjoy them? Did you prefer them to your straight fantasies? Would you welcome having them again, or are they just "meh"? Since you say you only had them a couple of times and imply that you still preferred straight fantasies, it sounds from here like they weren't an enduring part of your sexual attractions. The gay couples on tumblr makes it sound as though you could see yourself in a relationship with a guy (though maybe long-term that's still tough)- so it could be that you feel drawn to guys, or do you think it could be the novelty, or an objective appreciation (i.e., observing "That's cute" rather than feeling for yourself "That's cute, I want to be part of that")? Regarding your attractions to women, what do you think of them? After all, you did like them right up until the point your therapist got you thinking about this. What, if anything, do you think the reasons might be for your decline in interest in women? If it's not too much to ask, what did you make of the relationship you just came out of in terms of how fulfilled and satisfied you were on different levels? As I say, I'm not making any calls here or ruling anything out. I'm just providing some ideas to consider. The most important things are that it's not a race, and if you're feeling like you're going in circles or getting frustrated, take a break from thinking about it.
The fantasies weren't earth-shatteringly incredible, or meh, just kinda...different. It just feels like it would be a different type of dynamic. The tumblr posts were of guys in their 20's-ish doing stuff like lying on a couch together, cuddling, kissing, and it just felt kinda nice. Like that might be something I want. I do find the female body incredibly attractive. And I've always felt comfortable and warm around women I like, and I've only ever gotten that fluttery feeling around women. With a guy it would just be...different. It'd be a different kind of warm feeling, I imagine. I don't know if I'd be against it, I just might not like it as much. I don't know, the relationship sometimes felt a little "too" warm though, and that I wanted something...not that. I can't tell if it's women in general, or just her as a person, or just the dynamic of the relationship (we were each other's first loves, and we kind of got carried away with the sex/time together). I cleared stuff up with the therapist. Long story but it was a misunderstanding and I kinda just panicked a bit. We talked about this a bit today, but besides clearing things up we didn't really talk about it a whole lot. I talked to a good friend who is a lesbian, as well as my ex briefly about this (ex doesn't think I'm gay...obvi), and they both have said that sexuality is fluid and can change over time. Which was a bit of a relief. So now I've calmed down quite a bit, and am no longer questioning every aspect of my existence (thank god), and just kinda being OK with not really knowing at the moment. Is there anyone here who has been in relationships with guys and girls that understands the feeling of both types of relationships being just...different? Is that normal or good? Or should they tend to feel about the same?
I haven't been in a relationship with a girl, but i dated some before. They didn't work because different personalities, not because of the gender itself. But i ended up clicking with a guy (my current boyfriend). I don't feel that much difference, sure there are some peculiarities, but i think it is more of a physical aspect. I like both, so i don't really care if i end up with a guy or a girl.
Some doctors have the attitude "You tell me what's wrong with you, then I tell you what's wrong with you." Great doctors.:bang:
