How did you realize your orientation? What signs were there?

Not entirely sure of my orientation still, but there weren't any signs until I actualy got gay attractions at age 17. And when I started to realise that I wasn't straight, I felt completely depressed, wanted to die, all the bad things you can think of.

 

I realized it when I was still in the buzz of a 'moment of enlightenment' or whatever after getting over a three month long depression I'd almost suicided over. The depression had actually been about (consciously anyways) other topics entirely.

Used to have big problems with making eye contact with people. I felt somehow afraid that people would see things there that I did not want to show. When I stopped being afraid of that it became a bit of joy to look without fear into the eyes of others. I looked into the eyes of a really handsome guy I was talking to at work and a shockwave moved through me of realization that it had not been intimidation or something, this feeling, but desire. Somehow I had convinced myself I 'just wasn't into guys' even though I'd noticed that some guys seemed to draw my eyes more than other people, and that looking at them was... fascinating.

 

1. I can recall various instances of ya know...spending too much time in the locker rooms.
2. I got in trouble once at school and again at home for looking at gay porn on a computer. No it's that I was "curious and had questions".
3. I had various crushes on guys during high school and I didn't know why I felt certain ways towards them.
4. I'd always get happy and excited whenever I saw commercials that had shirtless guys in them.
5. I never pictured myself with a girl nor actually having any feelings towards them. Platonic at most...

 

To answer the title question: The thought of having a girlfriend was appealing to me. I fantasized about girls a lot and liked reading lesbian romances.

To answer the second question: Curious, mostly. I wasn't upset about it or anything, but I wasn't exactly happy about it.

 

I just thought girls were really attractive, but I just pushed those thoughts away and ignored them. It wasn't until I developed a huge crush on my of my straight female friends that I began to admit to myself and accept that I might not be straight. I wasn't ever really upset about it, I felt very confused (and I still sort of do even to this day, but a lot of the confusion has gone away). I also remember I felt really distressed about the crush on my friend because it was my first ever crush on a girl and I couldn't really talk to anyone about it. I remember really wanting to get rid of it because I hated bottling it up and hiding it from everyone, and also because it was making things really awkward between me and my friend. I never actually told her about it, and luckily, it did go away eventually.

 

i figured it out in my shower(i think about a lot in there) and i just looked back in what i have done it my past:
1. started having gay sexual fantasies about my friends
2. i kept looking around at guys junk alot in the changing rooms
3. wasn't very interested in girls much even the ones i dated but i felt more interested in doing stuff with men

 

When I let myself actually speculate whether I could be with 'not-a-girl' romantically I realized that I might actually prefer it, depending on circumstances. That was a clincher. Somehow I had not let myself freely consciously think about these topics.

 

When I learned what Lesbian and Gay meant (In 6th grade) I thought that it was weird that people used those as insults because I didn't know that not everyone was open to liking a person of any gender. Basically I never really questioned it. I've dated guys, I'm currently dating a girl. Whatevs.

 

Mine was a bit of a messy journey, there were a fair amount of things involved. From spooning with my only real girlfriend, to studying porn, to playing video game romances from the perspective of a woman... all of it kind of came together one day and I realized I actually liked guys, both romantically and sexually. I lived a very sheltered and strict childhood and didn't get to get out much and socialize. It was a fairly anti-gay upbringing as well. It's almost like years and years of being sheltered and suppressing the thoughts I may have ended up developing naturally in my teen years actually almost killed those thoughts completely. It's only now that I develop these thoughts because I'm free to think for myself and get out.

And how I felt about it? I was shocked and confused. I couldn't believe it. After a while I became happy, because I had discovered a vital part of myself that I wish I had discovered years ago but unfortunately never got the chance to. The important thing now is that it's discovered and I'm happier than I've ever been.

 

I feel a lot of similarity in that, Princess D. I was a Christian for years, went to camp, felt the fear of it... It's as though you go, no, you aren't going to think along those lines at all because you don't really know where you will end if you start.

 

Yeah that sounds about right lol

 

It was scary, I didn't know how to deal with those thoughts. I had no one to talk to. Eventually I had to accept it. What finally made me realize I was gay was that I was very interested in dating women and had absolutely no interest in dating men.

 

I always knew I liked girls, but I dated guys, so when I was 14 I labeled myself as bisexual. Later I noticed it doesn't work with guys.. I felt awkward with them, there was no spark, I wasn't able to fall in love with a guy, I liked guys as friends (I thought those feelings were crushes, but they were very platonic), I couldn't imagine my future with a guy. I figured I always looked at girls, not guys, and I started to question.. and it felt right with girls. I always thought I just wasn't a romantic person, but it wasn't true, I never felt romantic attraction to guys. When I think about being in love with a girl, all these love songs makes sense...

I thought I was okey with being gay, but I wasn't. I was ashamed, and I hated that I can't be 'normal.' It took me a lot of time to start accepting myself, I am still on that road.. but I'm sure it's worth it.

You know it when it feels right.

 

After all it's the same love, and if we sum everything, all we want is happiness. We just want to be happy and we all have a right to be.

 

If you get those "butterflies in my stomach" feeling when you see someone of the same-sex. Then, it could be a sign of being gay/lesbian/bisexual. Based on my experience.

 

I was HYPED that I was finally figuring out what was wrong with me.

 

for me i accepted myself pretty late. i'm 23 and i accepted that i was gay around when i was about 19 going on 20. it was liberating to be honest. all those years of denial really just flew away on a cloud of my depression. but i had a lot of signs when i was younger like having crushes on guys or just curiously perusing the internet for gay porn. but eventually i got over my fear and now i'm out. and i'm never going back in!