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Straight, like gay porn, but think I should have penis...oh dear

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Soconfused1, Aug 10, 2014.

  1. Soconfused1

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    I have been, so far in my life, a straight female with kids and failed female/male marriages. The failures were that I was abused, cheated on and then one molested my child.
    I have been with a girl when I was younger, I have been the third person to a married m/f couple.
    I am attracted to men, penises, sex with men. But I enjoy male/male porn more that traditional male/female porn. I get a bit excited with lesbian porn but not like watching two guys be together. I, over the last ten years, feel I should have a penis. When I fantasize having one I am with male and female alike and am extremely excited by these images.

    I feel uncomfortable with performing oral sex on a female, but like breasts. I want to be in a relationship, but when my sexual preferences start to come out I feel no one will accept me.

    I am so confused and not really sure what I am asking on this forum right now other than has anyone else felt this way or is it just me???

    I am 42 btw raised in church but do not attend now nor conform to their rules and beliefs anymore.

    The last guy I was with I was so attracted to, felt in love with, but when I expressed some of my erotic preferences he left me.

    Any advice welcomed
     
  2. pinkclare

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    It sounds like you may be on the trans masculine spectrum. Liking sex with men, watching gay porn and wanting a penis would all be explained if you were actually a gay man.

    Do you feel like you should have a penis, or other male characteristics, outside of sexual situations?
     
  3. Soconfused1

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    Fabuloustodd,
    No I don't think I do, not outside the bedroom so to speak. I don't want a sex change op either. I know labels shouldn't be thrown around but is there a term for this?
    I believe I am a pretty woman and I suppose men are attracted to me.
    But I dated a bi male at one time and I was so comfortable with him and he was ok with me and using " an enhancement" in the bedroom. I think this was the most comfortable in that area I ever have been sexually. But I am not comfortable with other people knowing this fact about me...as my name says I am so confused :frowning2:
     
  4. Nightdream

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    Already heard about girlfags?
     
  5. Soconfused1

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    No I haven't ?
     
  6. prussianblue100

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    I may be wrong, but it sounds like you could be genderqueer. If you don't know what that is, it means that you identify as something other than just male or female. You could think of yourself as both genders, neither gender, etc. And since you identify as a woman, but still want male privates, (I could never say or even type the word) you could mentally be both genders. That's just my thoughts. Hope it helps.
     
  7. pineapple

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    There are a few things you could consider. You may *like* certain aspects of a particular gender (ie. breasts, penis), but may not be sexually attracted to them, or you may simply like (or would like) them on yourself, but not necessarily on a partner. If for the last 10 years you felt like you should have a penis, you might consider the possibility that you are trans. Or perhaps (as you said you dated a bi male) you find a partner who is ok with blurring the lines between gay/straight/gender that allows you to explore those parts of yourself, to see what you like and don't like, to get a better sense of the types of people you are attracted to/would like to be with and/or if you feel you may be trans or somewhere along the gender spectrum.

    As well as men who identify as bi/pan, there are men who identify as "mostly straight" (some I know personally) that are open to things that fall outside the category of what people would typically define as "straight".

    That might be something to look up as well.

    Whatever conclusions you come to, there will be folks who accept you with your erotic preferences. Perhaps folks who don't quite fit into any particular category themselves. If you feel like you would like to identify or present as more masculine, or that you may be trans, you are absolutely free to do so. If, as you said, you mostly feel this way in the bedroom, then there are plenty of dudes who'd feel comfortable with you using a strap-on, as well as other things.
     
  8. Soconfused1

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    "You mostly feel this way in the bedroom, then there are plenty of dudes who'd feel comfortable with you using a strap-on, as well as other things"

    I live in a larger city than I am used to growing up but not so big as I think it would be easy to find someone again that would be open to me. Are there ways to find men like this ? I know I sound very naive, well I AM naive to this right now lol. But I thank all of you and appreciate the responses so far :wink: