I have been questioning my sexual orientation for 10 years. What do you think?

Hi everyone,

I just want to apologize in advance for this post being so long, but I have been dealing with this for 10 years and have never really let my feelings out, even to myself. I would greatly appreciate your help in figuring out what my sexual orientation is.

Before the age of 11, I never questioned being straight. I had many crushes on boys. I was actually a pretty flirty child. I had both male and female friends, although I often found girls to be catty and generally preferred boys personality wise because of this. However, my best friend was female.

However, I became very confused about my sexual orientation in sixth grade. (I had gotten my period the summer before sixth grade, which I suppose might be important to note.) I became obsessed with one of my female teachers. She was in her 30s and was very pretty. I liked looking at her and would always remember exactly what she wore each day. I wanted to learn more about her, so I spent a lot of time looking up information about her online. I never "fantasized" about her - in fact, I'm not sure if I've ever really had a fantasy about anyone - but I did dream about spending time with her. I also had one dream where she was literally a queen and all of the other teachers were bowing down to her. This teacher never paid particular attention to me, but I liked her more than teachers who actually liked me.

But she was not the only teacher this happened with. I suddenly decided that another teacher at the school - who wasn't even my teacher - was beautiful, and I loved whenever I had an opportunity to see her. I also became obsessed with finding out more information about her. I found this quite odd, because just a year earlier, before I got my period, I had met this teacher at school orientation and didn't even look twice at her.

By seventh grade, I was obsessed with another teacher. Once again, I wanted to learn everything out about her. I had many imagined conversations with her, but again, I never had any sexual fantasies about her. I didn't even consider her to be that pretty, but one day I caught myself staring at her breasts and I didn't know why. Eventually, I think my infatuation with this teacher grew into love, or something like it. I would get "butterflies" whenever I saw her and thought about her all the time. This continued on for years. She got engaged to be married when I was in eighth grade, and I was nothing but overjoyed and excited for her. I think if I had really been in love with her, I would have been jealous of her fiance, but I never was. So maybe I wasn't in love with her after all? She had children soon after getting married, and interestingly, I was very jealous of her children. Not of her having children - of her children themselves. Maybe I only ever saw her as a mother figure? I don't know. I'm still very confused. I still see her sometimes, but I am no longer excited to see her like I used to be.

I was obsessed with another female teacher in 9th grade, but this teacher was not really attractive and was actually a bit overweight. Nonetheless, I was obsessed with finding everything about her that I could. I found her online blog/diary and read each post several times, even though there were hundreds of posts that had been accumulated over the years. I imagined spending time with her outside of class, but again, I never had what I would describe as sexual feelings for her.

For the rest of high school, I still thought about my 9th grade teacher sometimes, but I never really became obsessed with a teacher again. I had a couple of "crushes" on boys my age, but I still can't decide if I actually really liked them or was just forcing myself to like boys because I thought it was normal. I never spent time looking up everything about their lives online, like I had with my teachers, so maybe I didn't really care that much about these boys after all? There were also a couple of high school girls who I thought were pretty, but I never had crushes on them and never looked up information about their lives either. My "obsession," or whatever it may be, seemed confined to female teachers who were all at least in their 30s.

I have always been extremely shy/socially anxious. I moved to a new school in the middle of middle school and had no friends from 7th through 12th grade, not because I didn't want them but because I was too afraid to talk to people. In 7th and 8th grade, boys bullied me, throwing things in my hair or pretending to ask me out and then laughing with their friends about it. It made me think all males are extremely immature and disgusting. I know this is not the case, but I had such a bad experience in middle school that it's hard for me to get over it.

I am now a senior in college. I now have a number of friends, but they are all female. I have never had a friend who is male - in fact, I don't think I would know how to. I don't know how to interact with men at all, and I'm not even sure if I want to. I have never been on a date. I have never been kissed. I want to be in love, I want to get married, and I want to have children, but I don't see this ever happening and so am very despondent about the future. My friends are always talking about cute guys, and I desperately want to have a crush on and fall in love with a guy, but I'm not sure if I can. Maybe this is just because I don't actually get to know any guys, but I am completely uninterested in almost every guy I meet. It is not that I find them physically unattractive, but I am not obsessed with looking at them. Mostly though, I just don't like men's personalities nearly as much as women's. I have always been extremely feminine - I have always liked things that are frilly and pretty and delicate, and men just aren't like that. I am also a very emotional person, and I see men as emotionally distant. There are girls my age who I love as friends, but I don't feel attracted to them sexually; I just like their personalities. There are also girls who I don't know that I see and think are pretty, but I am not interested in finding out more about them, and I don't develop crushes on them. I never see boys my own age who I think are attractive. I have had two different dreams about losing my virginity to boys that I know. Although they seem like nice enough guys, in real life, I do not feel particularly attracted to them. I have also imagined having sex with a number of different male professors - I guess you might call these fantasies - and I did like the idea of having sex with them. These professors are in their 50s or 60s, but I find them 100 times more attractive than boys my age. Nonetheless, I would not say I am obsessed with these professors. I hardly think about them, and unlike the female teachers who I was obsessed with, I have never spent time trying to figure out more information about them.

Another thing to note: I don't like male celebrities either. I thought I had a crush on Johnny Depp at one point, but I'm not sure if I ever really liked him that much. Otherwise, I mostly just like "divas," celebrities who gay men typically like (I know this is just a stereotype though). They are so over-the-top feminine, and I just love feminine people. Just as I spent time learning about my female teachers, I spend much of my day looking up information about the lives of these celebrities. Some of these celebrities are pretty; some are not. I like looking at pictures or videos of them, but I do not feel attracted to them sexually. In fact, if any of them were to just show up at my house one day and say they wanted to sleep with me, I probably wouldn't. I admire these women terribly, but I don't think my feelings for them are sexual. In fact, I'm not even sure if I have sexual feelings for anyone.

So, what do you think? Do you think I was ever attracted to my female teachers, or was my obsession with them just some form of hero worship? Why don't I find men my own age attractive but feel like I want to have sex with some of my male professors who are at least 30 years older than I am? Why do I think women are attractive and have an emotional bond with them yet don't want to have sex with them? Do you think I could be asexual? Or bisexual? Or pansexual? Or lesbian? Or something else entirely? I am sure I am not 100% straight (I don't think there is anyone who is), and I don't need a label, but I think having one might stop me from being so confused.

Again, I am so appreciative of anybody who read any of this post. It really means a lot to me. Thank you so much!