Hi, I apologize in advance for the long post but this has been bothering me for a while. As a kid I was sexually assaulted repeatedly by a male family member as well as abused. My first love was a girl who was my best friend and one of the few positive influences in my life at the time. Although I dated other women throughout my teenage years, I was head over heels for her for about 4 years and even moved in with her after high school. Unfortunately, she didn't return my feelings and I was too young to realize her 'Maybe' was actually a 'No'. When she got together with her first boyfriend(now husband), I was in a bad place. After being thoroughly rejected by her, I moved in with my male best friend and we ended up dating for about a year, though I never had sex with him. A series of flings with men(usually 'pretty' or 'feminine' men) followed which were mainly about sex, but I always felt like it was a race to see who would orgasm first and there was never really a connection. I also casually dated several women with whom the sex was fantastic. The issue I'm having is that after some introspection and therapy, I'm realizing that my relationships with women were far more healthy than my relations with men, though I've been actively striving to be in a straight relationship. I always felt trapped and like I'm walking on eggshells in my relationships with men, and with women I felt like I was an equal and loved member of the couple. Additionally, I began to notice that many of the men I was attracted to bore a marked resemblance to my childhood abuser. I was also suicidal during many of these straight relationships. TL;DR I know this might seem silly, but I'm somewhat scared about whether or not I'm actually a lesbian or if I'm just pretending. There's a part of me that wonders if I'm turning to women so that I won't continue to be in unhealthy relationships with men. Is this denial or a legitimate concern? I'd love to get some advice.
It seems to me that you see which of your relationships are healthier. Being suicidal during straight relationships emphasizes the pain you were dealing with at the time. They were contributing to it. I think that if you have had great relationships with women then you are totally fine. Try to think of dating more to do with the person than the gender. When you find the right person, no matter if they are male or female, then you will have a happy healthy relationship. As far as sex goes, if you are not satisfied with it, that shows something about the partner you are with as well as the communication level you and your partner have. That is, if you are attracted to both genders. One of the most confusing things about sexuality is that it fluctuates and changes and morphs itself depending on a lot of things. I think it is important to be attracted to the person you are with. Maybe try focusing less on the gender and more on who the person is. Are you attracted to them? Do they respect you? Find out what you are seeking in a relationship regardless of the gender and then go from there. Stay strong love (*hug*)
Thanks mustachedwaffle That helps a lot to think of it that way. I originally thought I must be attracted to both sexes but even though I've had some positive relationships with men, I still felt trapped and unhappy. Right now, I'm taking a time out from dating altogether, at least until I get a firmer grasp on who I am and what I want. Until then, I'm just meeting people and trying not to have any expectations of them or myself romantically. It does seem like sexuality is a confusing issue though! Thank you for your input and support! (*hug*)
What we know from the research on sexual abuse of women is that early childhood abuse certainly draws attention to the child's self-awareness of her sexual self earlier than it would otherwise happen. So there's more conscious thought for a longer time than for women that are not abused. We also know that the abuse can certainly make women feel uncomfortable around men. (An overwhelming portion of childhood sexual abuse of girls is done by male perpetrators; boys are usually abused by men, but are also abused by women.) And that discomfort that women feel around men can certainly make them seek out the companionship of women, which can turn sexual. But here's the difference: Underlying orientation and attraction doesn't change. So when you see heterosexual women who are uncomfortable around men, they still at some level feel attraction toward men and they never feel the same sort of connection toward women even if they are sexual with them. It's a complex and nuanced issue, but the short takeaway is that there is no evidence that sexual orientation is changed by sexual abuse, but that it can change conscious behavior and attraction, which are different from actual sexual feelings, if that makes sense.
Thanks for the reply Chip! Yes it does make sense. The main thing that bothers me is that on some level I do still feel attracted to men. Unfortunately, these men often resemble my abuser in some way, either through personality or appearance and I generally only feel said attraction when I'm feeling self-destructive. When all is good in my mind and life, I feel indifferent or disgusted by the idea of intimate relationships with a man. I think that I've always liked girls, though, even before the abuse. I'm working through these issues with a psychologist but honestly, I don't know if she understands or not. She keeps suggesting that I like girls because it's a 'healthier behavior' in the wake of the abuse but that as I quit being 'scared' of men, I'll begin to feel attracted to men again. :dry:
Your situation sounds nuanced, and you owe it to yourself to work with a therapist that has a specialty in sexual abuse. It is a specialty area and there is a lot of very specific information/knowledge/approaches that are required to do good work with abuse survivors. Quite frankly, your therapist's advice is terrible and it does not sound like she has any competence with sexual abuse. A competent therapist (at least, competent in abuse issues), would never place a judgment of "when you quit being scared of men", and would not describe the attraction to women as a "healthier behavior"; neither is the case. It's true that you need to work through how the abuse affects your perceptions and feelings, but it's not an issue of healthy or unhealthy; it's a nuanced, conditioned response that may or may not be interleaved with attraction toward women that is deeply rooted in your orientation. And the same can be said for your feelings about men. I don't mean to rip on your therapist but this is a place I have a huge bone to pick with the field as a whole: therapists who are working outside their realm of specialty and either not helping or sometimes actively hurting the people they're working with.
Yeah, I think she's a general practice therapist, rather than a therapist specializing in abuse. I'm hoping that when I start my job next week that I'll have enough money to change to a different one. I've only gone to one abuse specialist and they helped me a lot. Sadly, I wasn't able to see them for very long before I was pulled out of therapy. Happily, I'm now in a much more supportive environment and I'm realizing that there are still some issues that need to be addressed including, but not limited to, my sexual attraction and identity. It's just very difficult to move on with my life and get over that part of my past. It seems like it still affects everything even though it's a decade has passed since I was abused.
Glad I could help dear I think it is a good idea to take a break from dating and just to focus on yourself. A healthy and peaceful mind makes other things a lot easier. You need to come first (*hug*)
I think that maybe your past experiences with abuse (I'm sorry for that, by the way ) has maybe changed your perspective on sexuality, since you were forced to learn about it at younger age than most people. It happens. From this, you could clearly determine whom you liked and didn't like. I suggest that you go meet with a professional that can help you explore the trepidations and consternation that you had experienced in the past. You definitely deserve one . I don't understand why you're striving to want to have a straight relationship. There is absolutely no shame in being a lesbian and you should be with someone that makes you happy, whether it be someone of the opposite or same gender. If that last girl made you happy, the sex was great, and you want to spend more time with her, then do it? What's stopping you? You shouldn't try to force yourself into a relationship that you don't have to nor want to. Do what makes you happy .
Have you thought about dating men who have the least resemblance to your attacker? And about your uncertainty with women, the only way you can truly know if you have a preference for women is to date them. Maybe it'd be nice to take a break from dating entirely to figure out where your head is at.
