Hey, I have, for the most part, seen myself as a straight guy since I can remember. However, I'm in my mid-twenties and for about 10 years I have questioned my sexuality quite a bit. So at around 15 I started smoking quite a lot of weed which led me into depressive episodes where, when in them, I would question a lot of things, and sexuality was a main theme. When I was not in one of those regular episodes I felt attracted to girls, and have had a series of girlfriends since I was 15, although my depressions have of course been quite an obstacle in those relationships. This is getting quite long-winded but it kind of reflects the state my mind is in currently. Bare with me. I've never been with a guy and have got a girlfriend currently who I'm attracted to physically but sometimes think that I might be emotionally attracted to guys but not to the extent that I want to engage with them romantically. Throughout this 10 year period I have always had a hard time hearing the word "gay", it kind of gave me a sad and distressed feeling. I've gone in and out of depression and am wondering whether my worries are the reason behind it - although when I'm in an episode I am not always questioning myself, it just sometimes plays on my mind. My girlfriend says that when I say affectionate things to her it sometimes seems fake or put on. I do mean them but not sure if I'm so wrapped up in myself that it comes out through a neurotic filter. Also, I used to have a "best" friend that dominated my life, a bit of a bully really, and he was a bit of a player with the ladies. A very powerful guy that pushed his opinions on me massively so that I didn't really have a voice in our relationship and always felt on edge. He used to throw about words like "faggot" all the time, and it hurt even though I didn't identify myself in that way. We used to smoke a lot of weed together and I still have a volatile relationship with weed today in that when I smoke, i feel like I need to smoke for days on end to sustain the good feeling. When that ends though I can plunge into a depressive episode which can bring about all those old feelings - not sure if it is a psychosis related thing i.e. weed making my behaviour different or that I'm just worrying shitloads while being depressed. I can appreciate this is a long convoluted post and I thank you for reading all the way to here. I'm just looking for a bit of advice as I've seen that people who do post on here get some really worthwhile comments, so hoping for the same if possible. If anyone has had a remotely similar experience then I would love to hear from you. It could just be that I'm a sensitive soul that gets carried away with little things that manifest as bigger problems. Anyway, I'd love to know your thoughts. Thanks again
I don't know what else to reply right now, but first idea that came to mind: Stop smoking weed if it doesn't make you feel good. Weed used to make me feel great and relaxed, but lately, I'm depressed most of the time and weed (just like alcohol) throws me into such an incredibly miserable state I can't even describe it. Drugs will make you feel greater, if you feel great. They will make you feel shittier, if you feel shitty. So once again, stop smoking weed until you get back in line with your life.
I second the drop the weed. I used to be a stoner, I enjoyed it, but I never was able to live up to my true potential. It's still a drug and new research has shown it sucks for developing minds so it's obviously not that great unless you have cancer. Once I stopped within about 6 months I was light years ahead of where I was. If you want some backstory, my use was all good and gravy until my mom died... Then my self-medication became a prison of despair. Even after, "getting over it." I went from a barely passing student to a straight A+ student doing 15+ hours a semester and still having time for extra curricular stuff (girls included). With that said, stop thinking in terms of categories man. You are a human, a person, not a category. Being straight, bi, or gay doesn't define you... You as a whole package is what defines you. My advice, kick the weed, feel yourself out, go with the flow... That should help with some anxiety/depression. From there, you can figure out your sexuality and relationship, but you can't fix your problems if you are not 'in the clear.'
Yeah, quit smoking it if it brings back those painful episodes. Secondly, if you are gay or bi, guess what? It's not the end of the world!! I'm gay and I'm happy with myself. Much happier than when I was a closeted straight guy. Anyway, like someone said, go with the flow and see if you can find a close friend/psychiatrist/therapist to channel out your feelings and make you feel at ease.