I don't know what to do. I don't even know where to start. I'm going to be a dad soon, in about a month in fact. I was happy. But lately, I'm just not attracted to women. I keep seeing gay couples and I get so jealous, I don't understand. Why now. Things were perfect. I'm supposed to be straight. 10 years of rape, I'm supposed to be straight. I have a wonderful fiancee, I'm going to have a beautiful baby girl. I don't know what to do, I don't have anyone to go to. I feel like I'm falling apart piece by piece. We had to spend the summer apart, she was getting our life ready in a different state and financially it was easier if i stayed with family. I feel like I kissed her goodbye, I went to bed and when I woke up everything changed. It isn't boredom or loneliness, she's just about the only person I can tolerate. I'm really not a people person. I never craved companionship, except for a dog or a cat and I have always enjoyed my alone time, be it a day or months. But now it just feels... Wrong. I'm supposed to go down there in 3 days, and I should be beyond happy! I should feel amazing but I'm not, I feel like I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. I feel like a fraud. I feel ashamed. I keep thinking if I just ignore it, and pretend hard enough it'll end up being true. This isn't supposed to happen. Why do I want men? I spent the majority of my life being abused and raped by horrible, horrible men. I'm supposed to be straight. I don't know what to do. I don't understand what's happening, why it's happening. What am I supposed to do?
When and how did you first notice you weren't attracted to women, but men? Was there something that initiated this realization? I understand how you feel. I was married with kids and when I realized I was gay I was so shocked and confused. I was straight, or so I thought, but apparently I'm not. I realized there had always been something off with men, but I assumed it had something to do with me. It can be a very big surprise to realize you are not straight, and if you have no attraction to women, then you are probably gay. I never used to be a people person either, but that all changed with my realizing I was gay and coming out. Now I prefer the company of others. I think that the fact you have been raped by men (very sorry about that, that's horrible) may make it more difficult to be accepting. Being raped, however, does not determine what your sexual orientation and it is still very likely you are gay even though this has happened to you. It will make it more difficult to accept, but that will come with time. Where to start is a good question. Everything seems overwhelming, confusing and you are scared. The life you thought you had and wanted has now changed. And no, you can't pretend it's not true, that won't make it go away. One of the things you can do is look into counseling, this will help you work through how you are feeling and maybe help you accept how you feel. You can also do some reflection. Look back over your past and the people who have been in it. Have you had previous girlfriends, how did you feel with them, did you fall in love with any of them. Think about the men in your life, such as friends, etc. How did they make you feel, did you have any attractions, were there any that you fell in love with (remember you probably wouldn't have noticed this, but were there any men you felt a strong connection with, that now knowing what you know you could say you loved?) Another thing you can do is let your inhibitions, and any preconceived notions of who you are go. Forget about the baby that's coming and your fiance. Try to make a blank slate and see what happens. What do you feel when you look at men? This is your first step. From what you are saying I think you already know the answer. It's a matter of you now accepting that, and that will happen when you let go of who you thought you were. It's difficult, I know. I was so positive I was straight, and if someone had told me I wasn't, I would have thought they were crazy. Now, I don't know how I could have not known, the signs were so obvious. Once I let the idea of me being straight go and I let my instincts take over, I began to accept. You will still be a father, no matter what, that baby is yours. Marrying someone because you are having a baby and you can tolerate her are not ideal conditions. You will probably see once everything has settled that you do like people, but being in the closet prevents this right now. Yes, even though you recently realized you may be gay, you were still in the closet. Like me, you were so deep into it that you weren't aware, but for some reason, something has triggered the closet door to squeak open and a little light has come through making you realize you are in the closet. I don't know if this has helped you, just want you to know that you are not the only one who has experienced something like this and that I do know the shock you are experiencing. Also want you to know, it does get better as you learn to accept it. You may even one day be happy that this happened. That's where I am, I would never go back because for the first time in my life I know who I am, and I am very happy and proud of it. I've been going to pride activities last few days and a year ago, I was so deep in the closet I had no clue I was gay. Nothing in our life is constant or absolute; sometimes you have to adjust to the changes and try to embrace them.
I hear you man kinda like me I've been battling acceptance for 5 years slowly coming out! I know when a girl is cute but in no ways sexually attracted to them that's the frustrating part!
Thank you both so much. I spent today relaxing, calming down, thinking, and I realized this is the first time I've sat down and just let everything go. I'm on vacation while she got things ready, she wanted me to relax for a little while. I usually immersed myself in anything I could, be it spending 8+ hours on wikipedia reading about everything from animals and space, to serial killers and psychology. I Always busied myself with something. If I was awake, I was playing video games, focusing on a movie, or a project SOMETHING. I never let myself just sit there think, any time I had nothing to do at all I made sure I wasn't sober. So.. This is the first time where I haven't had the weight of my world on my shoulders, the first time I've really been able to just Relax. And I started thinking, and slowly started looking at past relationships and my current one. I adore my fiancee. She knows me inside and out, she is my favorite person and she is Always there for me. I love her, she's so damn practical and down to earth. I guess what made it so hard on me was realizing what this would do to her, after everything she's done for me. I'm feeling a lot better now that I've had time to think and process everything a little more.
Yeah, I really wanted to help, but didn't know what to say. The other two did a good job, especially HTBO, and I'm happy she got through to you.
I'm really sorry that those horrible people did such a terrible thing to you... I can't even imagine what that must be like. I'm just a kid, so I don't really have a lot of experience in life, but you should be true to yourself. You can still be involved in your child's life and be great friends with your wife if you are gay. I think that you should talk to your wife and explain the situation. Hopefully, she will be understanding. She will be upset for sure, and understandably so; It is quite shocking I imagine. You just have to be true to yourself and do what will make YOU happiest.
