Falling for a straight guy problem....

First, I have to make myself clear. Sexual orientation: I'm definitely gay (bottom) but when it comes to passionate love, I strictly forbid myself not to fall for guys (both straight or gay). In spite of that, a few months ago, I had a crush on a straight guy who was my colleague. It was my fault, at first, because I showed my bubbly, cheeky, funny and talkative side to him which I usually showed only to my BFFs. I didn't mean to attract him.

All started when I got a new job in another state and my thought was I have to make people to like me. Unfortunately, all my colleagues really liked me for that side of me and I got scared because it's me who always push away people when they get closer to me. He was a introvert guy but seemed to be really like me to the level of more than friend. When I felt that sense, I really tried hard to push him away like telling him to find a gf not to get bored or how disgusting gay relationship is (although I'm in the closet) but he remained silent.

He became really lively and talking more during my stay in that state and people kept saying that it was all bcos of me. I used to say a lot of sex jokes and he began to say those jokes too (particularly, directed to me according to his flirty eyes) which made me surprised. Later, there were signs that he wanted to have sex with me which made me feel really disgusting. Maybe, it was bcos' he never had a chance to have sex with girls and he just took what he got. Part of reason might be reading my behavior wrongly that I wanted, too (I was not sexually attracted to him, though).

The worst part was I was romantically attracted to him after some time and I was sure he had feelings for me, too because he kept singing love songs while sneakily looking at me. After sensing those kinds of different feelings from me and him, I gave him and all my colleagues a cold shoulder which made him confused because he didn't know why. I became a silent and angry-looking guy for weeks before my resignation to cool off his and my feelings.

However, there wasn't a day I didn't think about him or imagine how life would be great spending the rest of my life with him. I used to have a thick skin but when I thought about that, tears started to flood. That was the only reason why I decided to resign and, right now, I'm back at my hometown but I'm still thinking about him. Funny thing is that after my resignation, I felt really guilty for my out-of-place behavior and I apologized to my colleagues including him. Right now, he seemed to get back his introvert personality and cool off his feelings for me. The problem is I can't stop thinking about him. I definitely need time. What should I do?

(P.S - My feelings for him developed really quickly that I even thought about having a trans-sex. But I rejected the idea when I knew that I can't carry a child even when I become a trans woman. I love him so much but I hate the thought of losing him in this life because of different sexual orientation. Sorry for my long story..... My English sucks....)