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Were you devastated when you realized you were gay?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Eric Dave, Aug 20, 2014.

  1. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    I dunno if I am gay yet but it seems like I probably am. I first thought I was gay age 25 and 7 yrs later the thought of being gay is still horrible. It's like being told Ive a terminal illness. I am depressed and dont want to live a gay lifestyle. I dont want boyfriends, I dont want to adopt kids, be in a relationship with a guy, or get aroused by a guy. It disturbs me and makes me unhappy. LAst night I had a gay dream and my penis got aroused during the dream and I woke up freaked out and anxious and depressed. I am so depressed today now over this dream and what it means. Anytime I get as much as a tingle down there from a guy it makes me so so depressed and want to die.

    If you were devastated (I'm talking being properly depressed, not wanting to live type feeling..) how long did it take to get over it and what age were you?
     
  2. jahow95

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    I know how you feel mate, although I'm 18 and have only been having these feelings the past year. I feel exactly the same.
     
  3. Ada M7

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    You're not going to get over it until you accept who and what you are. If you are not attracted to women, so what? Find someone you enjoy being with, doing cool things with (like hiking, surfing, skydiving, lifting, whatever) and go do fun things.

    It sounds to me you don't want all of that because you've been told by society what to want - I don't know you though so could very well be wrong. I'd say, stop stressing over it, figure out what your mind and body really want and have at it. Self-loathing will only turn your life into a giant pool of regret during your old age.

    While I am not gay, I personally have a very "fuck it, let's try" mentality. As I have accepted that I am bi, I've actually found my romantic interests (not just sexual) with men increasing at a surprising rate. So much so, I am starting to question if I really do prefer women to men.

    Personally, I really don't care what I am as long as I have fantastic sex and enjoy my life. With that said, it's been a lifelong journey for me. I finally accepted it shortly before I joined this forum.
     
    #3 Ada M7, Aug 20, 2014
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  4. Yosia

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    Im pansexual but i'll amswer anyway.

    My first though was 'oh my god im such a freak' but like after a few days i was totally fine with it and i wouldnt turn straight even if i could. ^.^
     
  5. WallWeed

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    I discovered I was gay pretty early on (12 or 13) and I still don't think I've entirely gotten over the devastation. I'm not suicidal anymore, but there's still a load of anxiety and dread regarding my future, and it has been a primary source of much of my depression.

    That being said, it has gotten better though, and I expect myself to improve more as I find more people that are supportive and gradually start coming out. The first time I came out to someone was definitely a big step towards accepting myself and overcoming that sinking distraught feeling, but it ultimately seems to come down to letting go of the social stigma and accepting that it's not something you can change.
     
  6. Hel

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    I went through a phase of denial and convinced myself that I was asexual because being gay would meant having to struggle with my sexuality on top of everything else that was going wrong in my life (finding gay woman is harder than finding straight men where I live...) But at one point I just realized I was gay, and I'm pretty much okay with it now. Unfortunately, I don't know how or why this happened: one day it just didn't seem to be such a bad thing to be attracted to woman. But there is still days where I regret not being in a "normal" relationship. So it didn't permanently went away for me (yet?)
     
  7. Eric Dave

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    See I grew up in my puberty masturbating about girls, loving it, loving looking at chicks in porn, getting aroused, looking forward to a future girlfriend or wife travelling the world, being in love and having sex. I never had any gay urges or thoughts at all. I was happy and unconflicted.

    Then I got erectile dysfunction and my sex drive plummeted and I got down and around my mid twenties after a good 6 yrs with E.D. I noticed thigns that used to very much arouse me didnt anymore. Like if I saw a girl masturbating in porn I used to jizz in buckets. Now its kinda boring and hard to get going to it. If I kiised a girl I used to get a hard on and feel like fcuking her. Now I am only getting a small semi.

    If I feel aroused by a guy it feels terrifying like my body is raping me and I sink into a depression and anxiety that can last days.

    I do not wish to kiss a guy, sleep with a guy, have a relationship with a guy ever. But I fear and dread that I will have to becsause my body will make me.
     
  8. Lexington

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    I grew up assuming I was straight. I didn't have much access to porn, but it excited me and often got me off. I noticed I preferred scenes with both a man and a woman, but I told myself this was because it made the sex "real" - it was something I'd be doing in the future, unlike the scenes of women masturbating. When I would fantasize, my sex partners were rather vague. It was the situation of having sex that excited me, not the rather unformed person I was having sex with.

    By the time I was in college, I was frustrated. Because I never actually saw women that made me sexually excited. I wasn't terribly visually attuned, but I tried to actively ogle women anyway. And nothing really happened. I could find them attractive, but in a vague "oh, sure, she's pretty attractive" sort of way. I certainly didn't get that horndog reaction that my friends seemed to get.

    So I wondered if perhaps I were gay. That seemed silly - wouldn't I KNOW? Wouldn't I, well, FEEL gay? Wouldn't I be ogling guys? But I figured it wouldn't hurt to try it out. So one day, I went outside the dorm, sat down at a bench, and waited for a guy to come by to ogle. (Yes, it felt just as silly as that sounds.) And eventually, a guy jogged by. I gave him a cursory look as he approached, and then a more complete lookover once he passed.

    ...and I got really REALLY hard. I'm surprised my jeans didn't rip open. I don't think I shouted "Holy shit, I'm gay" but I may as well have.

    After that, I started fantasizing about guys. And my sex drive went through the roof. What had earlier been a rather casual enjoyable activity became just shy of an obsession. I still didn't "notice" hot guys unless I was specifically trying to, but in my fantasies, my partners were suddenly far more "clearly drawn". I had read somewhere that having a "gay phase" wasn't unusual, so I decided to ride it out and see what happened. After about a year, I realized this phase wasn't going away, so I decided I was probably gay at that point.

    Was I devastated? Not at all. I worried about telling people, and what sort of reaction I might have. But I sure wasn't devastated. I was happy to have my sexuality doped out.

    I don't know your backstory, eric. But here's my suggestion to you.

    Stop watching porn. Completely.

    Not because I think it's "bad", but because I don't think it's necessarily the best judge on what you are. God knows I occasionally watch some sort of porn that I'd never do in real life - that's part of the appeal. So try skipping porn for the time being. Just use your fantasy. If you fantasize about women, great - run with it. If you fantasize about men, awesome - run with it. Keep it up. Eventually, the picture will become clearer.

    Lex
     
  9. wanderinggirl

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    [Disclaimer: I hope I don't offend anyone living with mental illness; I'm just trying to argue that homosexuality is not mental illness and that it's detrimental to think of it as such.]

    Here's the difference between being gay and having a mental illness: mental illness can be treated, homosexuality cannot. By thinking of it as a mental illness, you think of it as something that needs treatment or intervention. It doesn't. It is your reality.

    You seem to feel like you need to fight it to live a "normal" life; if you allow yourself to let go of this idea then you'll be more at peace with yourself. I don't know where you are in the world or what your circumstances are, but a lot of LGBT people struggle at first and then come to accept and even embrace their sexuality as just another part of themselves. It doesn't have to define you or change you. It won't keep you from living a normal life. You can't fight it, but if you accept it you can still be the same person. You can even be a better person, because self-compassion means you're capable of more compassion towards others.
     
  10. Kai LD

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    There was a shadowy sense of disappointment somewhere. Think it was the guy persona's feeble resistance since 'not supposed to like guys' was apparently part of the character back story or something. Felt like the persona unraveled slightly just at accepting this part.
     
  11. Eric Dave

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    Your story is in a way similar but in others very different. I remember as a 15 year old being on holiday and looking at other girls my age and getting erect. I loved lesbian scenes, undressing scenes etc.. it was always about the girl never the guy. But once I got mono age 19 and developed E.D. things went gradually downhill for me.

    Sep 2001: Get mono.
    Oct 2001: Still very sick. Erections disappear.
    Nov 2001: Masturbating again and getting almost fully recovered from mono but erections softer than before even during masturbation. Masturbating by fantasies about girls is still exciting.

    2002: Erections still weaker than before. Not rigid. Still excited by mastubation about girls. Tried sex with girl for first time and failed. Starting to worry now.

    2003: Another failed sex attempt with a girl. I had a 'soft erction and prematurely ejaculated as I attempted entry. My pnis was fairly soft as aI came. Worrying much more now.

    2004: Sex drive is starting to wane.Worrying about my erections increases. Masturbating becomes more boring. Avoiding hook ups with girls now.

    2005: Started seeing doctors about my E.D. Worrying about it and getting quite depressed over it. Cant get properly hard for a jerk. I still go to niteclubs and kiss girls, get excited and aroused (but not a hard enough erection for sex) and avoid going back for sex. See some crappy family psychologist who suggests I'm gay (I dont look or act gay). I laugh off this. See a urologist. Does a preliminary examination. Tells me to come back for arteriogram in 2006.
    2006: HAve tests done and told my erection probelms caused by 'leaking veins' and told theres nothing anyone can do for me. He said he can try surgery but success rates are low. Very very depressed now. Go to other uologists for an opinion and they say they dont have the knowledge and cant help me.

    2007: Go for another opinion. Told nothing wrong with me. I get even more depressed. If I cant get it up properly for a wank something has to be wrong surely???! A month later start questioning my orientation as I thought if its not physical then it has to be mental. Try wanking about a guy and get more aroused than I have since maybe 2005. I still didnt get a proper erection but felt an excitement return that had disapeared over the last few years. I totally freak out and panic and call my parents in a state of sheer panic and fear to tell them ''I think Im gay''. Immediately start googling ''am I gay?'' and go ito a despair and depression that continues to this day.

    2007: Start compulsively testing myself to gay thoughts to see if it provokes a full erection. It doesnt but find the orgasms more intense even though Im terrified as I jerk off to gay thoughts. Im hoping I dont get hard. Eventually I tell myself I must be blocking the erections somehow so try to enjoy it and get into it. Still cant get the old proper erections back. My penis goes flacccid within 10 seconds of letting go with my hand. Orgasms still are stronger which freaks me out. Still panicking and in despair.

    2008: Go to top specialist in America who specialises in E.D. Im told its a physical problem not mental. He sends me to speak to a sex therapist anyway and wants to do surgery on me. Sex therapist thinks Im straight which reassures me for a few days.

    2008-2012: Didnt get surgery as it costs major money but decide to go back someday to get it done. The questioning and panic still continues and I continue to compulsively test myself to gay thoughts to see if I can getthat erection back. Still cant get properly hard.

    2012: Have surgery down there but wasnt very helpful. Erection issue still persists to this day. still compulsively testing my arousals to gay v straight thoughts. Meet girl and with viagra Im able to get a sufficient erection for sex but its still not properly hard. at least I can have sex though. Still have a fear that being gay is the cause.

    2013: sex is decent but not mindblowing. Not sure if its the mediocre erection quality or if because Im gay.

    2014: Relationship ends. Worry about being gay is daily and non stop. MAsturbating up to 6 times a day testing my arousal levels to gay/straight thoughts/porn when particularly anxious on bad days. Average is 2-3 times per day mostly just with fantasy.
    Relaisisng that I probably do have some sort of physical issue down there but am possibly gay anyway. Convinced Im gay and fall into depression. Lose interest in all hobbies etc. Struggling to work I feel so low. Still cant get hard to girls or guys but getting groinal sensations seeing guys now which I never had before age 25. All romantic interst is in girls.

    So I have had serious serious E.D. issues since 2001. 13 yrs now. Dont get a proper erection at all under any circumstance. Ive never kissed a guy-dont want to but fear maybe if I ever do I will get a massive boner. I dont know if this is true though. surely gay porn or fantasy would get me rock hard if I was really into that??
    Gay porn was always boring to me but straight porn has also become terribly boring too.
     
    #11 Eric Dave, Aug 20, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2014
  12. NDark

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    I began wondering about it after I wished one summer that a lesbian chick I knew would get a crush on me (I was about twelve or thirteen), and I went through it slowly. I talked with my parents a lot and they helped me figure it out. The only thing that saddens me? That I didn't find out earlier. I like girls way more than guys and now that I know, I never want to go back to being 'straight-minded.' Trust me, you'll eventually love being gay. Just try to accept it as who you are and don't stress.
     
  13. Lexington

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    Well, a lot I could say about your post, but let's cut the chase.

    Let's say you go to bed with a guy, and it goes awesomely. You respond better than you ever have with a woman. Then what?

    Lex
     
  14. Eric Dave

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    I am not confirmed gay btw. I still consider myself questioning but I despar that I am gay if that makes sense. I tell my parents Im gay everyday in despair and they think Im crazy now. They say a gay would be tell their parents and then be ok but they think Im crazy now because I tell them in despair every day over and over ''I am gay''. Maybe 10 times a day. They say Im a lunatic.

    People have told me its possibly hocd and I do fit many of the symptoms and even spoke to a couple of ocd therapists who also believed it was ocd but I simply dont believe them. I tellt hem I have to be gay because I had a gay dream or I had a groinal movemen when I saw a guy etc..

    So I dont know what to believe. My past beliefs were that I was straight. I never liked boys growing up. Then got ED and the everything has gone haywire. Dont know if Im gay, stright, have a physical or mental problem, maybe both or physical with being gay or striaght, or ocd etc..

    All I know is the life I wanted seems to have been cruelly taken away from me and I will be made to have sex with men (even though have ED) by horrible urges that replaced my nice pleasant urges for girls. I think about this non stop 24/7 for 7 yrs now.

    ---------- Post added 20th Aug 2014 at 12:03 PM ----------


    I would be suicidal
     
  15. Kai LD

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    You shouldn't perceive the desires you feel as wrong. All that matters is how you interact with the world and yourself, not how you feel.
     
  16. LOSTONE10

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    I don’t know yet if I am gay or bi, just know I am not straight. My only real issue is that where I live, it is very conservative and gay is so not okay. So I have one hell of a time finding in person support or guy friends. This devastates me, but not the fact that I am sexually attracted to or desire guys.
     
  17. Eric Dave

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    I think if I had grown up having gay thoughts getting aroused by men etc I would have been ok with it but I grew up loving girls, getting aroused by tits, ass , pussy never cocks or muscles. That seemed weird to me. Now I seem to have turned into someone else. My own self identity has been stripped away from me and I liked who I was not this person I am now.

    I never want to enjoy the possibility of gay sex. I dont care if its ok in society, if other people like it etc.. I never want to do that. But it feels like maybe my body does now after growing up wanting women.

    Anytime I hear of a celebrity guy or girl coming out my heart sinks.
     
  18. Lexington

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    Allow me to highlight the big problem area of your post here.

    In short, heterosexuality is "correct", but homosexuality is "incorrect". You are somehow "supposed" to be straight. And if you're gay, it's all due to some massive problem stemming from your bout with mono.

    So I guess my next question is - what about me? As I said, I had no trouble fantasizing about women, and getting off to straight porn. But then I found myself attracted to men. Was I "supposed" to be straight? Did something happen to me that "made me gay"? Should I have tried to "fix" my sexuality back to straight? Did I give up on heterosexuality too soon?

    See, I don't think so. I think I just realized I was gay.

    Let me front a new hypothesis. Let's say you were gay from the outset. Or perhaps bi- with a really heavy lean towards gay. And you were getting off on straight porn for the same reason I was - you were (as the crude saying goes) young, dumb and full of cum. You were horny enough that the thought of having sex of any kind could get you to orgasm. And, from everything you've said, you seemed to relish the idea of being straight. It was the "life you wanted", after all.

    Then the mono hit. And it dampened your sex drive. Maybe even played havoc with your getting-a-boner-ing. And at that point, just "hey! sex stuff!" wasn't enough to get you aroused. But the though of male-on-male was.

    Is that what I think is happening? I have no idea. It's certainly possible. But you'll notice the biggest difference in our two stories is the length. Your has doctor appointments and surgeries and Viagra and forced-relationships and yearly updates. Whereas mine just has a couple points. Once I realized I was attracted to guys, I decided to ride it out for a bit to see if I was still attracted to guys in several months. I was. So I decided "OK, I must be gay" and then I went ahead with my life.

    A life, I hasten to point out, that kicks everloving ass. My life didn't change appreciably once I realized I was gay, and once I came out. I guess I had planned to settle down with a woman - now I'm settled down with a guy. I have the same hobbies and interests and whatever else that I did before I came out. Nothing changed, other than the people I was dating, and the uncertainty about my sexuality.

    I honestly think the biggest thing you should work on isn't "what is my sexuality" or even "what's wrong with my penis" - it's "why am I so scared to death of possibly being gay"? Because either you're not (in which case, you're freaking out over nothing) or you are. And if you are, that's no obstacle to living a kick-ass life. I'm living proof of that.

    Lex
     
  19. Eric Dave

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    No offence but Id rather die than end up like you
     
  20. TheStormInside

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    Eric Dave, here's a specific question. If you don't care if other people accept homosexuality or not, then what is it that is so terrible? Why would you become suicidal from enjoying sex with another man? What is it about being gay that is so devastating to you?

    Since realizing I'm likely gay I have definitely been going through a depressive period. Some days are better than others. I feel like if it were more widely accepted, however, I'd have no real issue with being a lesbian. The actual idea of being with another woman is a pleasant one for me, but there are a lot of heavy feelings that go along with that that were placed there by society. It's a lot to work through, but I know I'll get there eventually.