So I'm finally asking for some help in figuring this out. The entirety of identifying. I've held on to it, knowing that it's something that, at the core of it all, I need to figure out. I feel like this is going to be a long post -_-' *sigh* So, I've always liked girls, for as long as I can remember, and I've had a few crushes on guys. I think in a way I've always preferred girls to men, but where and how I grew up, it wasn't a very common thing, and I was always doing something else, be it hanging out with friends (and doing what they did) or reading and video games. I feel like if I had more chances to date girls in my teens I wouldn't be so confused now, but I was so... I'm not even sure lol. As it is, I've dated a lot more guys than girls, but I've always enjoyed being with girls a lot more than with men. I like to define it as an availability factor. Girl with hormones=horny teenager/college student=dates whats available. I've never really been attracted to the male body either. I crave a woman's body though. In every shape and size I see its elegance. I've never made it a secret that I like girls (except for once and that's so circumstantial its irrelevant), so be it before I had an identity, or when I thought bi was, I've always liked girls, and now, at 23, want to give being with a woman an all-in-full-hearted chance. This revelation prompted someone to pose this question to me: "well if you identify as gay, why have you dated so many guys?" My now quirky and slightly irritated response would be: because that's what there was [availability factor]. But this incident is more recent. Despite the fact that I'd always wondered what it might be like to date a woman (in a serious relationship, because my experiences with dating women was very poor), I married the man I'd dated for about a year and a half, after I got pregnant. To be fair and completely honest, I would consider him my best friend, and the fact that we have a child a blessing, but my sexual attraction to him, which has never entailed being enthralled with his body diminished greatly--to the point that whenever we finished, I would be the one rolling over, and wanting to sleep (with him farthest possible from me in bed), and towards the end, sex felt wrong and uncomfortable. The other reason I never explored meeting with other bi or lesbian women (especially for relationship purposes) is because I felt like I had nothing to offer them. I would imagine that dating in your teens in high school, is a lot different than dating in your twenties, and I didn't have a lot of same-sex opportunities then for a million different reasons. After high school, at around nineteen when I was looking to date again, I completely shunned the idea of dating a woman, because I was depressed by the thought, knowing that I had nothing to offer them (as shallow or rude as this may sound, I felt like it was easy to please a man because... SEX). But I had no job, no car, nor place of my own--what could I offer a woman? And also, where? I didn't think of dating sites, or meet ups, or pride, because no car, no money, and I'll be honest here, I didn't know how my family would respond. My husband (and even before we got married, and after the idea of having to call him that was foreign, uncomfortable, and to some degree humiliating, to which I chalked up to pregnancy and cold feet--It wasn't) has always allowed me to be with a woman, knowing he can't fulfill certain needs and I was and am grateful. So, finally deciding that maybe polyamory was probably the best course for both him and me, I allowed myself the possibility that I might find someone who could make me happy. That's when I met a woman, who I can definitely see my life with. I see marriage and possibly more children. And I don't feel nauseous or wrong at the idea of introducing her as my wife. Things make since with her and life is clear. Everyone in my immediate surroundings can see how in love with her I am. Which has made life complicated, but worth it. With all of this, I know that I like women, and I know that I will never feel this level of connection with a man, nor have that kind of physical attraction. I do have an aesthetic attraction to some men... Primarily those who sport eyeliner and look like Johnny Depp or Davey Havok--but even that stops at the belt. As well as, I really like attention, from everyone, I don't care race, gender, religion, orientation. You flirt with me, I'm gonna flirt back. However, at the end of the day I'd rather be next to a woman--and that woman being my girlfriend. I feel however, that because of my past, I'm not allowed to identify as a lesbian, and truthfully gay is a more comfortable term for me. But I'm afraid that someone would tell me that am not a lesbian because I dated, slept with, and married a man. Though someday I feel like I might like to identify as lesbian, right now I'm comfortable with gay, but I'm afraid I will be labeled as bi, and I don't feel like that works for me anymore. *takes a deep breath* Alright then! Got all that out! Damn... Long post
A LOT of gay people have been with someone of the opposite gender before. If you take a look at the LGBT in Later Life section, you'll see that some gay folks married and had kids, too, but they're still gay. The past is the past, and you mentioned that you never felt attracted to them like you're attracted to a woman, anyway. No one can tell you you aren't gay. No one - except yourself. Anyone who says that you can't be gay simply because you were with men earlier is sadly misinformed about what it means to be gay. Gay = (singularly) attracted to members of the same gender. If you're attracted to other genders, you may be bisexual or pansexual (whatever floats your boat) but that's for you, and only you, to decide. Good luck. : )
