my childhood was pretty liberal so i really never heard homophobic shit from my mom but i remember having a lot of homophobia inside (i.e. i would refuse to hold my (girl)friends hand or hug or show affection from age 8/9 onward because i was scared we would be seen as lesbians) and i had never felt any attraction towards girls in my childhood ever. then at age 13 i joined tumblr on the "superwholock" side where there was a TREMENDOUS praise of gayness and like it became much more normalized and i guess i saw much more gay ppl(esp. girls) and i guess i asked myself "what if u are bi" (i still had no previous attraction to girls/no falling for best friends/ect. so i guess i based it off of "i never considered it") so i kind of tried to envision myself with a girl and i guess look at girls??? it felt a little forced but i kind of started to warm up to the idea and then i guess i started to look at girls cause i was pretty sure i was gay up to the point of a couple of months ago and i started worrying that i was doing this because it was "the cool/trendy" thing to do and 90% of my friends were gay/bi so i was really really scared that i was just trying to fit in and i don't really like girls; and although i feel like i should experiment and such, i am 16-17 now and i present very masculinely, which won't allow me to experiment with boys and so i am very scared that I'm just faking it to seem "edgy" or to separate myself from the crowd and such. and then i felt confident for a week about it and by far the stupidest choice in my life i came out to my mom (who took it well enough but cried a bit and told me she wishes i was straight) but instead of feeling relieved i felt disgusted and gross and i was scared that again, i was just doing this because it was "cool" and that i was delusioning myself and i;ve been plauged with these thoughts really badly 24/7 since (couple months) so yeah sorry this is really scatteredand with alot of misspellings and abbreviations but i just need to get it out and need advice please!! thank you so much :hugs:
If you don't like girls, then you're not gay. Don't be pressured into fitting into a community by trying to be someone you're not. Some guys like tomboys. You have to ask yourself "would I enjoy dating a guy?"
Have you ever had a girlfriend or boyfriend, or wanted to ask someone out? Do you dress/act masculine because you're just choosing what you like, or do you specifically think "this is masculine" and choose it for that reason? It's ok to feel scared and confused, or to doubt yourself. A lot of us here had/have those same feelings.
@ig88 I do feel attracted to girls, at least, I think I do. I fantasize about them sexually and feel an urge to be with them romantically. But i'm scared that that attraction is something that I made up and is compulsory because I wanted to fit in. I'm scared that I'll be living "the gay life" when I was infact straight all along, like when people discover that they are gay in their later years, except in reverse. I know, it sounds so stupid. @Luciaaa No, I've never dated anyone. I have had crushes on boys in past (age 10-14) but I haven't had one since I started looking at girls. I have not had a true crush on any specific girl that would be available (i.e, have massive """""feelings for""""" famous females but only ones who are gay/have played a gay character) and I try not to unless I know their sexuality. I also feel like I'ld be much happier with a woman in a relationship, although I don't know why. I'm worried it's due to a lack of a father figure/strong male in my life coupled with social anxiety which made me almost never interact with unrelated males after age 10, and so I'm drifting to women as a "staying with what i'm comfortable with." For the masculine dressing, I pick it because it's just what I like to wear at times/like how it looks on me and is the most comfortable/useful.
I actually felt like this but I wasn't saying I was lesbian to be cool , plus I was attracted to girls at a young age. at the start when I realized I was lesbian I did not want to be at all , I always thought what if all my feelings are fake even though I'm actually feeling them and can't control them . It took me a while to accept myself honestly .
tumblr is fucking awful and makes everything trendable with great pressure and caves in on itself trying to broaden while simultaneously narrow sexualities orientations and identities. it is not a healthy influence to have, especially at 13. block it and take a jog and masturbate and think about what gets u off, if u do that.
@stocking Thank you, but I think I'm more worried more that I want to be gay instead. @gay axolotl Yeah, I quit it for about a year now, so the pressure is not really as strong. I guess to get off I need to think of guys first (or at least dicks), but I can't end it (??) unless I think of girls. (wow this feels really weird to admit)
@stocking I feel attraction to women, and I dont feel like I would be able to truly emotionally have a romantic relationship with a man (maybe sexually, but even that i'm iffy on). However, I'm worried that these feelings only came up out of a desire to be gay and "fit in" and that they are not legitimate.
@stocking That's what I'm thinking too. It's just you know how some people go about their whole lives being straight and they are convinced they are straight, but then it turns out they were gay all along? Because I've never felt attraction to girls in my childhood and I never "always knew" and since this discovery came out of more like "hey, maybe i'm gay" because i was surrounded by gay people instead of an expierence or sometgint of that sort, i'm worried that this is just me "faking it".
@stocking That's actually very reassuring, thank you. I can't see myself in a romantic relationship with men. I worry that this was due to lack of a father figure or strong male in my life, in additon to lack of interaction with males in general, instead of lesbian feelings. Sexually, I can see myself with them but it is less the male and more the genitalia comnonly associated with men.
