Hello and I apologize if this is a long post and slightly bizarre story. I will mostly focus on the sexual aspects of my confusion. that my first kiss was actually with a boy in the first grade. I was sent home from school that day and everyone just pretended that it never happened. I have bad social anxiety so I never had any friends in school until I joined the football team in the 11th grade. This was also the year a got my first girlfriend. It lasted about six months and I really liked her until we had sex. I really wanted to and I was sexually attracted to her but I struggled to hold an erection when we actually tried to have sex. Just a little warning the details in the next sentence are somewhat gross. I was nervous and she had a yeast infection. For these two reasons I'm unsure if this experience says anything about my own sexuality. I will say that I fantasized about being penetrated by women at the time. She broke up with me after I told her about the smell. We ended up getting back together but I was no longer attracted to her so it didn't last long.I also started watching some gay porn occasionally, but not too often at all. Over the next two years I had a couple small crushes on some straight male friends as well. I'm decent looking but haven't really had a girlfriend since then partially due to my own quietness and social awkwardness. I also had three chances to have one night stands with women but none of them ever happened. I tend to make excuses to keep myself out of relationships but I don't really have any friends period so I'm not sure if that's due to my sexuality or my personality. Over the past two years I have accepted that I am attracted to men, but I've only become more confused. My attraction to men seems to come and go. I'll masturbate to a lot of gay porn for a week or so and then get bored of it and go back to straight porn only for a couple months. I think I'd enjoy gay sex more but for some reason I usually can't get off on gay porn which makes no sense to me. I do notice an attraction to guys in real life but I honestly try to suppress it at times due to fear. Yet when I seriously consider dating other men I often get grossed out unless it's a really good looking guy. My attraction towards women confuses me even more. When I worked as a cashier I could get an erection by just looking at a female customer wearing almost anything more revealing than jeans and a t-shirt. I was always too nervous to touch them but it was extremely exciting whenever a girl would touch me. I find it strange that I would be such a perv regarding women if I was completely gay. I usually watch straight porn and can even get off on women wearing skimpy clothes. This is probably the most confusing part of it all for me since I've never had normal sex with a woman. I'm very nervous and not confident around women I like and my first sexual experience hurt my confidence even more. When I put everything together I am 100% sure that I'm not straight, but I don't know if I'm bi or gay. Part of me wants to be gay and not bisexual because it would end all of the confusion. Another part of me wants to be bisexual but I know that I will only continue to hide my feelings for men if I say that I'm bisexual. This has been on my mind for two years and I haven't come to a conclusion yet which is why I'm posting here. I'd like to say thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and reply to this message. I'm not sure if I'm bisexual or gay and making excuses.
You seem to have put a lot of thought into your sexuality, and I think figuring it out is something that will just happen over time for you. I have a preference for men and am married to one, but I consider myself bi because my first love was a girl. I was head over heels for her and there was nothing so-so or confusing about this, so I can't rationalize it away as "just a phase" or "just curious" as much as I wanted to make excuses for it. I could say my label describes who I've been with, more than who I'm looking for (not that I'm looking for anyone, being married and all, but you know). My point is, I don't pick a label that limits who I might feel attracted to in the future. I hope this gives you some food for thought.
I can relate, although my recognition of liking men is much more recent, as in the past 2-4 months. I'm not ready to be any sexual experiences yet, so I'm not 100% sure if I like men, women, or both. It's definitely confusing, and I would suggest not think about it too hard. Labels do more harm than good, although they can make you feel good in the short term. Don't constrict yourself to a label if you aren't sure it's right. Just take your time, maybe try to meet some gay\bi guys and see if you would be interested in dating them. Most importantly, just don't stress it like I said before. Love you
I'm 100% sure I'm not straight either, and that at least, is a form of 'certainty'. Don't be in a hurry to 'find out' 'which' label applies to you. My advice is also what I am trying to do myself: go out and meet people, hang out with both men and women if you want, and there's no hurry to choose one over the other. Let the revelation of your 'true' sexuality unfold in it's own time. One indicator though, is: when do you feel most whole, most at peace? I will relate an experience. Last night I went to a straight venue, to dance basically as I'm so shy that I really don't expect to 'meet' or 'hook up' with anyone, neither there, nor at the gay venue I normally frequent. And I don't recommend such places for finding a relationship, really as far as I'm concerned they are good for dancing, and bit of harmless flirting, that's all. Anyway, I was sitting outside smoking, and feeling a bit sad - like I was not among 'my people'. I felt like I did not really 'belong' there. And then I remembered, "you are a bisexual man. Even if this is a straight venue, nothing can stop you from discreetly checking out the guys, as well." So I did, and noticed this guy with his gf, and kind of thought "damn, he's too cute to be straight". hehee...I was of course careful not to get caught out ogling any guys, but it was fun to 'remember' who I was again, and allow my sexual feelings to just 'flow where they will' - and in my case, that can be towards men, or women. Only when I allow this, do I feel free, at ease. Having said that, though: during the night I was literally surrounded by attractive women. You would think I would have a hard on, but I don't recall anything happening 'down there' - until I recalled my actual bisexuality, and the cute guy walked right past me. Then my body responded...so really I understand how it can be confusing, this journey of discovery, but I still say, I don't feel like I am in a hurry to give myself a definitive label. In any case, I don't think I can know for sure, whether I'm bi or actually gay, until I've had a few sexual encounters with guys I actually like. Just fantasy alone isn't enough to know for sure imo, and as for porn, it's well known that porn is a very unreliable indicator of one's true sexual preference.
Like someone mentioned above, don't stress it. It will take some time to accept your innermost feelings. That fear you feel when noticing attractive men is the number one thing standing in your way of accepting your true orientation (gay or bi). I recognize myself in much of what you say. I would also switch between watching gay and straight porn for many years. In my teens, I could sometimes get an erection from watching fairly average women (I probably could have done it much more easily with guys if I had accepted my same-sex attractions). I couldn't imagine dating, much less being in a relationship with another man. I identified as bisexual for a couple of years, but kept it to myself and didn't intend to do anything with another dude. Things finally changed when I fell hard for a guy. I had crushes in the past, but what I felt for him was stronger than anything I've ever felt, and made me accept that I am attracted romantically to men, not only sexually, and shortly afterwards I realized/accepted that I am gay. But it is a process, and I only changed my orientation from "Questioning" to "Gay" here at EC a couple of weeks ago. What I'm trying to say is it's not something you'll figure out right away. The best thing you can do if you don't want to drag things out is to stop worrying about what others think, and at least initially, try to accept to yourself what it is you're feeling. It can be rough, but hang in there and keep visiting EC, and you might make sense of things sooner than you think! :smilewave
Hi there. Sound like you're going trough a similar roller coaster ride that I've been on most of my life. I sometimes wish things where clear cut and easy to figure out, but life hardly ever works that way. In the end, you are the only person that will be able to answer your question, no one else can. We can all speculate but in the end only you will know the real answer. There's a number of things that you've mentioned that I'd take under consideration when you're trying to analyse yourself. You mentioned that women turned you on when you worked as a cashier... That you like it when they touched you... You also mentioned that women in skimpy clothes turn you on and that you watch straight porn most of the time and occasionally gay porn??? (All this, to me, points to not being gay but maybe a little gay curious) Do guys in skimpy clothes turn you on, did guys turn you on when they touched you or back when you worked as a cashier? Think back to when you joined the football team and you had guy friends, what where you're interests back then??? Did you have crushes or felt attracted to your team mates? Something else that you mentioned is friendships, you mentioned that you had made friends in the football team, but then you mentioned again that you don't have any friends at the moment... Are you sure that the longing you have is not a longing for friendship, to have buddies and guy friends to hang out with? Everything aside, you need friends and maybe it's a good idea to join a club of some sorts to get out there and meet new people that you can socially interact with... That is important irrespective of your sexuality, so join a sport club, or a hobby/interest group, meet people, make friends, put an effort into that and you might even meet that very special someone along the way. In my own life I think of sexuality as being fluid and I don't really like to brand or label myself as this or that. I'm attracted to individuals for their personality and the person that they are, not their sex... Does that make me Bi, probably, but I don't like to slap that label on myself so I choose just to be me. I found a website a few weeks ago that helped me put things into perspective for myself, it might be an interesting read for yourself. It explains the various sexuality types and had the best explanation for bisexuality for me. Am I Gay? A Guide for People who Question their Sexual Orientation Go have a look at it, and let us know how things go. This community is awesome to bounce off ideas and get the support you need irrespective of what your eventual orientation might be.
I'll make this easy. There's a penis and a vagina in a tent and the tent's on fire. Would you save the penis and leave the vagina or would you save both (ew, who wants to save a vagina).
Hi, Getting clear answers in this situation can be complicated if being gay is scary to you. And it sounds like that's the case. Here's why: When we fear something like that, we can unconsciously push away those ideas and over-accentuate that which supports that we might be straight. Now... it's pretty clear that you have some attraction for women, and some for men. What we don't know for sure is, if you were to suddenly say "I'm perfectly fine with being gay" if you'd suddenly feel much stronger attraction to men than women; that happens sometimes. So as difficult as it is, one of the best things you can do is try to relax and not stress about what you are for now, and just keep being yourself and feeling what you experience as you look at men and women. One other suggestion I can make that often helps is to stop using porn entirely and just masturbate to your own fantasies. That may take some adjustment initially because porn is usually a much stronger stimulus than your own fantasies, but if you do this for a week or two, I think you'll find that it will become easier and at that point, you can experiment with different fantasies and see which ones are more arousing/exciting to you. That's often the most reliable indicator, much more so than porn.
If the vagina swuirted I would use it to put out both . Otherwise penis . Thanks, this is really good advice. I haven't tried this yet but I think the gay fantasies will be stronger. No matter what I wont be afraid of anything.
I, too, have been having a difficult time deciding exactly what my sexuality is. I have, undoubtedly, accepted my attractions towards men but am still doubting myself a bit. I guess it's more of the fact that there is still an inkling of hope in me that I am not gay and won't have to worry about coming out...I am so afraid of coming out, mainly because of my dad. I know that he won't take it well. Here's the deal. Yes, I'm gay for the sake of a label, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't consider having a relationship with a woman. (it's just highly unlikely at this point.) Give yourself time, and things will become clear. That is vital in discovering your true sexuality. Stop thinking about it so much. You are only confusing yourself more.
