Hi again everyone, I think I've written a lot about my sexuality and am slowly figuring things out. I guess if I had to label, I'd call myself "bisexual/fluid" meaning that I have feelings for both sexes but I can lose my interest in either sex at any given time. I have been with both men and women and I find that I crave both sexes - mostly women emotionally and men sexually. I have been with my husband for almost 12 years and lately the feelings for women are getting really strong. I'm a stay at home mom and I find that when my mind is idle, things get worse for me. I am constantly fantasizing about being in a relationship with a woman - holding hands, sweet kisses, having intense convos, etc. But, when I see my husband and we connecting with each other, the feelings for women lose their intensity and I am about him. I love him very much and can see myself growing old with him. I know myself very well. I am the type of person who always wants what I can't have. I know the feelings for women are intense because I am not acting on them. When I was with women before, I'd start to think about men again and those sexual feelings would drive me crazy. Then I would lose my attraction to women. I really really don't want to have a poly relationship and would like to be with my husband in a monogamous relationship. This website has helped a lot in terms of my feelings, but sometimes I feel like I need someone who specifically understands me (another bisexual)...maybe even real people. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Do you resent your husband being the sole breadwinner? Maybe "resent" isn't the right word; but if you feel dependent on him and are trying to break away from that, maybe you see women as a way to break up that dynamic? Was it like this when you were working (if you were ever working) or is it only when you are home alone for long periods of time? You say you can still find that spark with your husband; but you're also the one who is home alone a lot predominantly concerning yourself with your kids and with your home and your husband, whereas because he works he has other concerns outside of you and the home. So if that's driving a wedge between you, maybe you could find something to do with your time that will still allow you to enjoy your current lifestyle: either a job you can work from home, or something part-time, or volunteering for something. Developing a sense of community outside your marriage might mitigate feelings of isolation. A therapist once told me that boredom is never really boredom; it's a symptom of other things. In this case, the "idleness" of your mind might be interpreted as boredom, but it's maybe it's more due to loneliness. Just because you're a stay-at-home doesn't mean you can't find community with other women. Maybe you crave social contact with them, as much as or more than you crave a relationship? It sounds like at least sexually, the marriage is pretty satisfying. If it's not, then that's a separate problem, and you might want to look into an open marriage arrangement; but if it's satisfying, maybe try to find other non-sexual ways to connect with other people, if that makes sense. Hope this helps!
I agree with wanderinggirl's concerns about you being a stay-at-home mom, and the lack of independence (or just engagement) possibly being an issue for you. It sounds to me like you could benefit from seeing a good therapist who is familiar with (and sympathetic to) bisexual issues...hopefully who could also be open to doing couples-counseling for you and your husband together. I can really relate to your situation. I'm in a monogamous relationship with a woman...28 years, and my interest in men has grown over those years. We are similarly uncomfortable with a poly solution...although it's possible that that is where things could end up (not fully sexually open, but more open than it's been). And I'm also highly susceptible to the "what I don't have" phenomenon. So far, it's just been a matter of maintaining "want it, but don't have it". My perspective is that that sucks...more and more as time goes by...and I wonder/worry if it'll come to some head some day where one of us does something stupid...or scares us enough that we make a change to our monogamy policy. And I obsess (in a mild way) about if that's what's in the future, then why not be more proactive now?? Anyway, I'm afraid I don't have useful advice, aside from talking to a therapist...but I wanted to at least voice solidarity with your situation. *hugs*
I seem to be in the same boat and it really is frustrating! At the moment, I am experiencing a lack of attraction towards my boyfriend and gosh, I feel so bad. I'm about 50% sure that being pregnant is the reason why (yay hormones!) but I also think it's due to my sexuality being so fluid. However, I am pretty sure that my attraction towards my boyfriend will return after I give birth. I mean, I was in a relationship with a woman around this time last year and well, things were okay. After she and I broke up, I kind of lost interest in being with another woman. Although, I will admit that I miss being with a woman, but more so emotionally than sexually. I'd honestly prefer an open relationship, however, my boyfriend isn't really interested which poses a real problem. He and I have been together on and off since I was 19, so we have a lot of history. He knows how I feel and for some odd reason, he seems to think that I am gay, which makes me angry because I am not, or maybe I am in denial. I'm just tired of going back and forth and not knowing what it is that I really want/need out of a relationship. I honestly do not feel fulfilled (emotionally/sexually) in my current relationship, but I felt the same way when I was with my ex girlfriend If anything, hang in there because you're not alone
Hey ladies, I'm so sorry I didn't respond sooner. My feelings for husband returned and I felt pretty straight again...until I went out with my friend and kept thinking about being in a relationship with her (while on the side checking out guys)... Wanderinggirl- Thanks for your advice. I don't think I resent my husband at all for working. I seem to think I am gay a lot when I am by myself and able to think (too much?)...or maybe I'm just extremely curious. I find lesbian things really fascinating (clubs, people, movies, celebs etc.) What happened when I was working was that I started working at a gym and had a rush of feelings for men that threw me off my feet. I didn't care about women at all. I just kept fantasizing about all these guys. I even had a hard time holding onto to my feelings for my husband (but I had these same feelings for my husband, so I didn't really think much of it. When I do find myself attracted to a woman it's very fuzzy and maybe best friendish...I don't know. It's like I can see my whole life with her, living hand in hand, going out and having fun etc. Then it kind of fades off....but the feelings for women can get very very very strong sometimes. I just don't even know what to say about myself. My husband and I were having sex and I just couldn't get my best friend out of my head (not sexually, just her) and I had a really hard time staying in the moment with my husband. I just keep thinking about kissing my girlfriends, not like a sexual kiss, but a "I love you so much!" kind of way. BiAnnika - I have actually been in therapy for what seems like forever...since I was 13. I have always been very conflicted emotionally and being bisexual has added to that. I find it really hard to have relationships with people in general - even my kids, just cause I'm so frustrated all the time. On my "straight" days I am the happiest person ever though. Pink - Wow, that must be incredibly frustrating to not feel fulfilled with either sex. I have no idea how to help but I know when I was pregnant I lost feelings for my husband and felt incredibly violated whenever he'd want to be intimate. Maybe your feelings may come back after your pregnancy? I guess it seems like I work like this: when I am not thinking about being with a woman then I have very strong feelings for men. Hence, when I'm working I can't think about being with a woman all the time....so the feelings for guys come in. But then if I think about being with a woman the "excitement" gets really strong and it's all I can think about.
