Am I gay, bi, or straight?

Forewarning: mature content below.



Hello everyone,

You can call me CJ. I'm 22, currently trying to finish up school as an English major. I tried looking for a place that might be a little easier to chat with people who would likely be more "experienced" and understanding about some of my issues. I'm hoping some of you could help me out.

Here's some background info to understand where I'm coming from a little better: I grew up as a pastor's kid. I went to church, was raised believing "homosexuality is wrong" and all of that jazz. Throughout my life, I've had to change a lot. I went through ten schools before I finished high school. My family always moved because of my father's job in the ministry. And I'm still trying to sort this out, but I was sexually abused when I was younger too. I only have one friend I've known for most of my life, so trying to adapt to new places, new groups of people, etc. has been draining on me.

In grade twelve, I had my first gay experience. This friend of mine at the time -- another PK (pastor's kid) -- invited me over for a sleepover with some friends. Later on, he started to try and fool around with me and then the next day he said "the devil made him do it". Now, I had never SERIOUSLY considered having sex with a man before that day. But I was a horny kid, that's for sure. I only just lost my virginity near the end of grade twelve, so I was a bit "late" compared to some but I definitely didn't stop there, haha.

Anyway, a couple years go by and I arrive at my university for my first year. Everything was great. Occasionally, I would consider the idea of being gay or maybe bi. But throughout my whole life, I have always been attracted to women. I've had some gay friends say they "always knew" they were gay, even when they were younger. I don't recall having that kind of feeling before.

At the end of my first year, I was extremely betrayed. This friend I made at the school became one of my closest friends. He was gay, everyone knew it. And I went to him for a lot of advice. He was actually fun to hangout with. A lot of people in residence became close. We were a big family. Anyway, long-story short, he drank with me one night toward the end of the year and I woke up in his room with him giving me oral sex. I knew we were watching a movie, but I passed out at some point.

Now, this is where the story gets a little more blurry... and, quite frankly, frustrating. I honestly can't tell if I was roofied, just plain passed out, or if what he claims is true (that I initiated it, even though I know I was sleeping). Maybe I subconsciously wanting it? For the most part, I don't think I did. Anyway, after that, I've had these rumours passed around that I had sex with him and other stuff. It's not fun to be labelled, even if I don't think being gay is wrong.

Since then, I've kind of hooked up with a guy I knew for awhile. He's from the same high school and university that I'm at. Cool guy, really good-looking and in the military. He even shares a few friends with me. But we never had full sex or anything either. So I guess I'm still a "virgin" under this category. We were drunk, so I'm not sure whether I liked it or not.

Like I said, I've had plenty of sex with women to know I like women, at the very least. But then I had some erectile issues this past year. The plumbing's working now, thankfully, but I was trying to figure out if my body was telling me something I didn't want to admit or if I just had health or age issues popping up.

In essence, I'm just looking for some general direction. I'm a conflicted individual. I have an ultra-conservative family who would still love me no matter what, but seriously make me feel like shit if I opened up. I'm not religious now, and I like the idea of a creator but I'm not so sure if one even exists, but family's still a big role in one's life. Also, I already know I've enjoyed sex with girls. I may have had plenty of sex, but my love life has been shamefully void of anything more than a year-long relationship and the rest being hookups or short dating seasons. I suck at being cool, collected and romantically-appealing when it comes to first impressions, first dates, etc.


On top of this all, I have anxiety and suffer from minor depression swings once in awhile. So I tend to get caught up in my feelings, thoughts, etc.


For those who are gay, any opinions? And for those who are bisexual, how did you know you were bi and not strictly gay? I mean, it sounds simple -- but I think one of the biggest things that bugs me about a lot of cultures, including my own, is that if you're caught doing anything with a same-sex person then it means you're automatically gay. And I don't mean that in a bad or condescending way about BEING gay. I mean it in the sense that a lot of people just assume that's all it is for me, or for whoever. Maybe I was curious? Maybe I'm bi?

It's really late here... so I'm kind of rambling. I'm going to bed, haha. But I look forward to some responses on here. If anyone needs something clarified or would like to know more please let me know! Thanks.

 

Thanks for the responses.

Here are some responses to your inquiries or suggestions, SaleGayGuy:

When I mean "seriously" in regard to my high school times, I mean that I've had a bit of a bumpy road toward discovering who I am, even before these experiences with men had taken place. First of all, my family often believed that sexual abuse could make someone "think" they were gay. So, without their knowledge of my abuse, I often got depressed and developed anxiety. My grandfather suffers from being schizophrenic, my mother has struggled with depression, as well as my uncle (her brother) dealing with some illness too. Though this is not directly related, like I said, I think A LOT. Probably around grade ten and after, I would be bullied by some people and labelled as being gay. This made me start wondering about this, and whether or not that could be an "illness" developed out of these previous things. I tried exploring the internet and couldn't bring myself to enjoy the depiction of same-sex pornography. Perhaps it was just that I was suppressing it. In either case, I take things to heart when people call me something. I'm a bit emotional. So even if I was called a "dumb ass" I would take it seriously and probably spend the next three days analyzing myself. That might be a bit of an exaggeration, I can take jokes, haha. But I'm just trying to illustrate my point.

Anyway, in both cases of the grade twelve encounter as well as my university one, they were isolated and I didn't initiate either of them. No one else was present for the encounters whatsoever. I'm not sure if I let it happen at the beginning because of my sexual abuse causing confusion or if I wanted it to happen. Part of me thinks it's the latter, but I always have a doubt.

Out of those rumours being said, they WERE rumours. I'll put it this way: yes, he did give me oral sex and I woke up to it. No, I did not have sex with him aside from that encounter. No one else knew. So when he started telling people that a lot more happened, it really frustrated me. I wasn't sure where I was at. Throughout the whole school year, I wanted to be friends with him but he would always try to do things to me. I would be sleeping and he would just crawl into bed. Or if we were all watching a movie he would have to sit right beside me. I remember he tried fondling my private while a bunch of us were under a blanket. They are awkward situations where if I am too adamant about saying no then he would freak and make me look like a homophobe. But if I let it happen it was distressing too. To be honest, I'm starting to think he was being a bit abusive.

That is done, though. I'm not mad about it anymore. Out of this event, as well as some people occasionally thinking I was gay (particularly some girls I would try to flirt with), I became more fixed on figuring out who I was. It just irked me that I had to run into this time after time.

So eventually I just let my guard down, two years later, and hooked up with this guy. I wanted to know who I was. But, as said earlier, I was too drunk to really know what I was doing and we never did much more than fool around.

Romantically, I just don't know what I would like. I've never been lucky enough to have a long-term relationship that went smoothly. Longest relationship I had was 1 year and the girl cheated on me several times. I have some baggage from relationships like that where I took awhile to work through trust issues and heartache.

I'm thinking you're both right in the sense that I should try it out sober with someone and see where it goes. Likely, I'll enjoy it. But I know nothing about having sex with a guy, to be honest. Obviously I should be safe but I just don't know if I'm ready to go on a date with a guy. I don't want to say I'm ashamed of being seen, but it's just that family, friends, and acquaintances don't know anything and I just want to try and discover myself before anyone else does/thinks they do, y'know? On the other hand, I would rather get to know someone before hooking up and engaging in sex with some stranger. And I do not have any gay friends in close proximity that I would like to hook up with. They are strictly friends, and I'm not attracted to them.