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Am I gay.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by joeltlou, Aug 30, 2014.

  1. joeltlou

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    The title says it all. I will provide as much information as I can for you guys n gals to help me come to a conclusion, and all help would be much appreciated! I am 17, 18 in a few days. This will be a long post but I would appreciate anyone would give me their opinion :slight_smile:!

    The first thing regarding my sexuality that I remember is being attracted to Gaston from Beauty and the Beast from a very early age. This is so gross but... First erection from... yeah... That guy... ANYHOW. It makes sense that I was attractive to that Gaston guy, my main preference to men, if any, are big manly guys, big build, muscles can be okay, and hair is always nice! I'm sexually attractive to manly guys.

    I had 6 older brothers, so I was exposed to sex rather early. I found porn on my brothers phone and I remember enjoying it, but was it for the man and the women, just the woman, or just the man? I'm not sure. When I was about 8/9 sometimes I would fantasize about my male headmaster. He was a manly guy if I recall.

    Seems I'm pretty gay now right... But the thing is, I had crushes on girls in school. One main girl was a girl named Josie. I had a big crush on her for a long time! I would imagine kissing her and such. We went out for 2 years. It wasn't anything serious, but it was one of those childhood sweetheart things. I've had many girlfriends as a child, and I never really considered myself anything but straight until I was 11/12. At that point I was like, okay, I'm attracted to men and girls, cool!

    At 13 this 15 year old guy made out with me at a party, and I enjoyed it. We made out again twice at another party when I was 14. And again at a third party where we ended up in bed.
    [Image Removed]
    Crazy time haha...
    He was gay and at the time I had no sexual experience with anyone. He was the first person I made out with. I only kissed my childhood girlfriend. He pushed my head down to his crotch and I came back up and said I can't, I was young and scared and we made out some more. So I'd say I enjoyed it.

    I had a stage at around the age of 14 where I was more or less gay. I would fantasize about men most of the time, and I had my first real guy crush that lasted a long time. I was 14 when my mother who I was very close to died, maybe that could link in with my sexuality as at 14 is when I got more sexually inclined to guys... Idk.
    At 14 I did have drunken foreplay with a guy in bed of which I came onto, and another time with a girl while drunk at a party and I was turned on but it lead to nothing.

    The crush on the guy was my best friend for a good few years. We had sexual experiences; First thing was at at party, at this point he knew I was bisexual, he was drunk, told me he was bisexual, I was like that's cool. He then said "I think this should lead to something". I said I'm cleaning so no. He said it again, so I put my stuff down and we led behind the table. We were alone and we kissed, leading to giving each other oral. When he tried to give me oral, I remember losing my erection. I was very drunk and tired, and I was fine with giving him oral. I ended it there.
    The next time was me coming onto him while we were in bed at a party, I was pretty turned on at this point.
    So, as it stands, I've had more male sexual experiences than female and I'm totally fine with that. After my male crush faded when he got a girlfriend, I had another real big crush on a girl for a while, she was also my best friend. I told her I liked her but I know she does not like me, and out friendship fizzled out.
    That male crush who I was crazy about? Most likely stemming from him being one of my first real sexual experiences, well when he got a girlfriend, I felt I had to move on. They broke up, and his ex started talking to me. I knew her to some extent as I was still somewhat good friends with the guy I used to have a crush on. She was so awesome, she is the reason I'm writing this post. We've been going out for 9 months and I honestly believe I love this girl. I've never used the world love loosely, because kids use it like ohhh I loveee you after going out with someone for like a week. But I've fallen for her, and she says she loves me very much too.

    The thing is, I'm turned on with foreplay a lot it seems, we've given each other oral and I enjoy giving her it! I love turning her on and making her feel good. But every time we try to have sex, I lose my erection. The first few times was through bad timing and circumstances, but now I think it's more of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I manage to get inside her, but my erection soon dies. I love her a lot, I'm very romantically attracted to her. This is why I am questioning my sexuality.
    I fantasize about men only, it turns me on. Women don't turn me on in my brain, but when it comes to the real thing, I'm turned on. I feel like for women I need more physical contact to be turned on sexually. I want to have sex with my girlfriend because I want to please her, I never think about how good it would feel for ME, and I think that might be another reason why I might lose my erection because I personally don't want to have sex as much as her, but she wants it really bad, and I feel bad not being able to give it to her.

    When I sexually think about guys, I always imagine how good it would feel to receive or to give, which leads to turning me on. But then I never consider that with women, and it's become something locked into my brain. So until I successfully have sex with a women, maybe I'll never be mentally turned on by them?

    Sorry for the all over the place post, I just need to get to the bottom of my sexuality. I love my girlfriend, I have a preference to men, sexually women seem more pleasing at first thought because butts are... butts... If you get me.

    Thoughts are appreciated, I feel very confused, I've always when it comes down to it, considered myself bisexual, but because I lose my erection every time I try have sex with my girlfriend, I just don't know... I've never tried to have sex with a guy so I cannot compare. I'm turned on while kissing her, but when she mentions she wants sex, I just instantly lose my erection even though I don't -FEEL- anxious even though it would be my first REAL time (I'd say just because I've been inside her and made a few push and pulls I wouldn't consider that sex...). When I get inside her it hurts because she's quite a small lady and I'm a... hung guy... urg.. Whatever. That seems like a turnoff really, hurting her in some degree.
     
    #1 joeltlou, Aug 30, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2014
  2. SomeNights

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    Hi and welcome to EC. I think that you're being too white and black here on something that has a LOT of shades of grey(no pun intended). As far as your girlfriend, the worse thing you can do is keep her in the dark. Talk with her and keep her in the loop.

    I also wouldn't put much stalk in whether or not you get hard. There are MANY reasons that could explain that. If you love her that's all that really matters.
     
  3. joeltlou

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    Yeah, I felt like I was simplifying sexuality too much. Thanks for your input!:slight_smile:
     
  4. Chip

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    I'm going to partially agree and partially disagree with SomeNights.

    While it's true that there are lots of things that cause loss of erection, if you are in particular finding yourself aroused until the actual idea of sex is discussed, then consistently losing arousal, there's something going on there. It may be that you are nervous, or it may be that you simply aren't aroused by the idea of sex with a woman.

    It does seem like arousal to men is a constant and consistent pattern in your life, and you describe being aroused by the idea of sex with men, but not with women. This points more to the idea that you are gay (or closer to gay than straight.)

    Also, this is by no means conclusive, but there is some evidence that in larger families, the youngest child is substantially more likely to be gay. One theory has to do with uterine hormone levels during pregnancy that change with each pregnancy. So that, too, would be a point in the direction of being gay.

    The confusing piece here is what's going on with the love you feel. It's possible that it is entirely genuine and strong, and that the sexual issues are unrelated to sexual orientation. But it is also possible, if this is the first really meaningful relationship you've had, that the feelings are more about connection to the person than specifically sexual attraction.

    So on balance, I think there's a lot to think about here. You do owe it to your girlfriend to tell her what's going on, and that you're questioning. And you owe it to yourself, before things get too serious with your girlfriend, to spend some time clarifying and exploring your own feelings.

    One piece I really didn't hear you indicate is how you would feel if, let's say, you could ask some oracle that absolutely, positively would give you the correct answer, and that answer was that you are gay. Would you be fine with that? Somewhat uncomfortable? Upset? Really resistant? How you'd feel if you were, in fact, gay is going to have some influence on your perceptions and experiences, so that, too, is worth exploring.

    If you want to post more about anything related to the above, it might help clarify.
     
  5. joeltlou

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    If this were true I would be upset. I love my girlfriend, and sexuality getting in the way would be upsetting, it's more or less because I wouldn't want to break up with her and hurt her, I would feel stupid for going into a relationship and coming out the other end gay, she suffers from anxiety to an extent, and I feel like no matter how much I told her it's me not her, she would take it personally.

    On a general level, I've always had an acceptance to being gay, but if I had a choice I would be straight. So I would also be upset based on the fact I wouldn't be able to have that conventional lifestyle with a woman, as bad as that seems.

    When my relationship started with my girlfriend, I was more interested in her; I was more attracted to her as a person. Beforehand I had no intense sexual attraction to her, I just knew I really liked her. I asked her out and she said yes, the first time she initiated something with me I was open to it and enjoyed it. When she asked for sex I was also happy to engage in such acts, I wanted to, I was turned on by the build up to the sex, and when it came down to it I just fell flat from it being my first time, I understand that. But it keeps happening... Things have made progress, we're learning what's better for me and what's not, but sex still seems like a far distant reality. I feel like it's a mental block, because now I'm more romantically engaged with her, I don't want to just fuck her, I want to make love to her, which is debatable if there's a difference but hey, I believe there is a difference between making love and fucking even though I've not had much experience with the 2.

    Thank you for your response by the way, I really appreciate it.
     
  6. Chip

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    So given what you've said, you have a rather complex of different things going on that are making it really difficult to clearly discern where things are for you with your sexual orientation.

    Going back to your first post, it's clear that your attractions, masturbatory fantasies, and arousal are pretty strong toward guys, with little indication of arousal toward women. So it seems like much of the reason for getting into the relationship in the first place was going along with the "normal" expectations, and fear of being gay and all that would mean. This would also be consistent with not feeling much in the way of sexual attraction at first.

    Now, you've got a great friend that you feel closeness to, and I suspect that you may be mistaking that emotional closeness for genuine sexual attraction (hence the difficulty with arousal.) Compounding that with the concern about hurting her... and you've basically set yourself up for a situation where it's very difficult to allow yourself to authentically connect to what appears to be your true attractions.

    I realize I am making a fairly strong case here, but I'm kind of adding up what's in this thread and what you said in another thread. And it's also quite possible I'm entirely wrong, as you're the only one who can really know.

    I do think that you really need to do more exploration before you even consider anything more serious with her, and if you're having real questions, you owe it to her to let her know, and possibly to consider letting go of the relationship and exploring your feelings. The reason I say that is our "later in life" forums are full of stories of people who were in very similar circumstances to you and... 10 or 20 years later, have an even bigger mess.

    I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I hope it's helpful.
     
  7. joeltlou

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    Yeah, it's not what I wanted to hear, but I put off posting on this site for a long time because I was afraid of the truth. I'll do more exploration, and I know I'm the only one who really knows... There's a bigger chance of me being gay than bisexual, but I won't exclude the possibility that I could be somewhat interested in women. I'll talk it through with my girlfriend, which I really didn't want to happy but indeed I owe it to her.

    Thanks a lot for your help, I know what I have to do now.
     
  8. joeltlou

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  9. Chip

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    So I don't think what you've said above necessarily discounts the idea of having a girlfriend because some part of you knows society expects that. I had three girlfriends, each of which I was with for an extended period of time (over 6 months) in high school and up to my mid-20s. Each one of them I "loved" and felt romantic toward, kissed, hogged, cuddled with. None of that was forced, and when the first two relationships (in high school) ended, I was pretty devastated. So clearly it wasn't forced or fake. (and actually, the first two relationships ended, not by my choice, because sex didn't happen.)

    But looking back, I never really had any desire to have sex with any of them. I mean, I sort of did, but when it happened, for me at least, it really wasn't very fulfilling.

    And the interesting thing is... I never once considered I was gay while I was with them. It wasn't until after I broke up with the third one that I finally started thinking about what it all meant, and how I was actually feeling attraction to men. Looking back, the signs were definitely there, but denial can be really powerful.

    So your experience may be different, but what I describe is actually pretty common.