Is this what sexual attraction feels like to most people?

Hi, I've heard a lot of people talking about how they seem to get aroused by people, but that never really happens to me. I know I have sexual fantasies, but come to think of it I've never really seriously thought about having sex with someone I know in real life. I don't really get turned on by other people, but when I'm around someone I have a crush on I just feel kind of nervous and warm and like I have butterflies in my stomach, but I never get aroused by them. I might think about kissing them, but not sex. Is that normal? I'm sure it will be different when I'm in love, but I kind of wonder if it's like this for most people or just some people? From what I've seen most people get turned on by others way easier than me.

 

What you talk about when around a crush sounds a lot like romantic attraction to me rather than sexual attraction. I wouldn't worry about it not being normal, you could be asexual or grey-ace which is perfectly normal

 

I don't think I could be asexual because I still have erotic feelings, and I'm pretty sure I want sex, I just haven't met someone yet.

 

I don't want to force you into any labels, but ace and grey-ace people often have sex drive but what Asexuality describes is lack of sexual attraction. Again, not trying to force you into labels, you're probably better off getting advice from a person with a bit more experience with that kinda stuff

 

Hi Wuggums, I feel exactly the same as you do!

 

Oh, that's interesting, could you tell me a bit more about it? I mean, I'm almost 100% positive that I will want to have sex with someone once I actually fall in love, but to some extent I can't be sure it will work that way.

 

Sexual attraction is sort of like a...unfilled feeling around someone? I'm not sure how to describe it but I think calling it a sort of 'pull.'

But, I think it's hard to put people you know in a situation of sexuality - that's normal, because as a society we've sort of stigmatized sexuality. I've always felt uncomfortable imagining even people I had romantic feelings for in a sexual environment - it requires a pull.

But, at the same time, there are sometimes triggers that incur libido. Arousal is a bit different than sexual attraction - for example, I find collarbones 'sexy' but they don't 'arouse' me. Just a sort of light pull where you think: "They look nice/that looks nice/ect," although not entirely an aesthetic appreciation.

If you're unfamiliar with this, you might want to consider being grey-ace as goldenarrrow said. But it isn't a finite thing, like I said, sexuality is hard to figure out, and especially in terms of people you know.

 

That actually is kind of similar to what I feel, that helps.

 

Hi Wuggums! Well, I'm still trying to figure out what sexual attraction is, so I'm not sure what I have to say will be all that helpful. I like what Kaylen said, though.

Anyway, I suppose I'll give it a shot anyway: this is what I've been thinking. I know there have been times when I have either found a guy objectively attractive in the past, or had an emotional connection with a guy, and/or been dating that guy, and I would get nervous around that person just like you described, but I never understood the whole "let's jump into bed I want you right now" kind of attitude that others seemed to have about dating. I was more curious about what physical things would feel like in general and dating someone was an opportunity to explore that, and/or I would feel a strong desire to have my affection for the person returned if there was an emotional bond, but for me there wasn't a real physical pull towards them I don't think. Like, I used to think, wow this person is a nice friend/good looking, and these physical intimacy things we are doing feel kind of nice, but I was also a little uncomfortable always because there was no connection between those two things...like I didn't want to be physically intimate because of the emotional connection we were having or because the person was "attractive," it was just something we did because people do that. But then at a certain point (usually quite quickly) I would break up with the guy because I didn't want to go any further and I would start to feel trapped.

So that's what I thought sexual attraction was for the last 15 years or so. But at the same time I would have these feelings for girls I would see. It's not like I would get aroused by looking at them, more of a feeling that I wanted to look at them and couldn't help looking, but at the same time knew I shouldn't and so I would look real fast and then look away and then wonder why I am looking at a woman?!! but by then I would already be looking at them again. And I would have that nervous feeling again, too, and I knew it was because I found them very attractive and beautiful, but the idea that I was actually attracted to them seemed impossible to me because everyone assumes I am straight, so I did, too. And then a few years ago I began to feel very close to a girl that I also found attractive and I would sometimes, for brief moments, have urges to kiss her or touch her body in a definitely sexual way, which I had never experienced with a guy before. Like with a guy, I would be happy to cuddle maybe, to feel close to them because I liked them, but I never had this sudden physical desire feeling towards them. So I think that those feelings were what sexual attraction really is, but since I was in denial about it, I dismissed it and repressed it every time as some strange not-normal feeling that I shouldn't pay attention to.

So these days, I am more open to having those feelings again towards a girl, and I will occasionally see a girl I can't help looking at, but I don't get those feelings I got with my one friend with total strangers on the street and I think that's fine (how could anyone live like that?!) I think I have to feel connected to someone emotionally and be with someone I find physically attractive in order to feel that kind of attraction. But so far, since I have only experienced it once and that was several years ago and I repressed it right away, I am struggling to know for sure if this is all really true since I am only allowing myself to feel things after the fact, and if it means I can only feel this way about girls or if it was just the one girl, or if I would have continued to feel that way if I had acted on my attractions, or if I just haven't met the right guy yet, or if I am seriously in denial and just need to accept that I am gay already, or if I have some kind of fear of relationships and that is what makes me uncomfortable with guys, or if it is like Chip said and I have some kind of anxiety that I need therapy for (I hope not!), etc.

So, that was long and personal, sorry! Anyway, maybe it helps?!

 

What Chip said is pretty much the opposite of me. I cry all the time, sometimes just because I accidentally watched the news and they put something too sad on. My aunt frequently says that both my mom and I feel things too deeply. I don't get angry though, pretty much ever.

---------- Post added 31st Aug 2014 at 05:24 PM ----------

Thanks april, that actually helps. It's not exactly the same with me for two reasons though, one is that I'm pretty sure I'd like sex eventually, but at the same time it wouldn't really bother me if I dated someone who never wanted sex. Another thing that's a bit different is my feeling is exactly the same towards guys and girls.