1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

(15, F) My story / lonely and unsure where to go from here

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by habitsarelow, Aug 30, 2014.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. habitsarelow

    habitsarelow Guest

    I've written a lot so I'll bold the most important parts of what I've written.

    I'm a 15 year old girl and I suppose I would call myself "bicurious", but I'm certain I am attracted both romantically and sexually to girls as well as boys.

    It's been hard for me to admit to myself that I'm attracted to girls... Both my parents are homophobic and when I was very young I was quite homophobic as well, in their image. As I got older I stopped being homophobic externally but was intensely autohomophobic. I would pray every day and perform little, but constant rituals to try and ensure that I wouldn't "wake up suddenly gay". I would also go through periods of intense anxiety whenever I found a girl pretty or found myself having what I knew was a crush on a girl but refused to acknowledge as such, not wanting to find similarity in the feelings I had for boys and the feelings I had for girls.

    February (2014) was the first time I properly "came out to myself", allowing myself to realise that, regardless of my label, I am attracted to both girls and boys. Since then I have become more comfortable with this. I expected to be a lot more upset or scared, considering my past, but I feel decently comfortable internally, although the shame I feel towards my feelings does fluctuate.

    I have never dated anyone. I have had "things" (casual consistent encounters but not relationships) and hooked up with nine guys, and have never even kissed a girl. However, over the summer I became friends with a bisexual girl (who lives very far from me and whom I will likely never see again). Our friendship was almost instantaneous and we became very close very quickly, spending a lot of time together. We both liked each other and shared that, but only a few days after we had told each other we fell out and nothing more happened. We have, since then, apologised online and had a short conversation, but it was awkward and we haven't talked since.

    As of now, I have come out as bicurious to three people over the summer whom I will never see again, and one very close friend at school who is outside of my normal tight group of friends. I don't know where to go from here. I still feel a little ashamed about my feelings and I don't think I can really move past that if I'm hiding my sexuality. However, I'm definitely not ready to come out to my family. They're very homophobic and conservative, having grown up in a country that, during their childhood, was communist and taught very strict, conservative values. Also, although I'm very close to them in some ways I keep everything sexual/romantic about my life under wraps - my parents don't even know if I've kissed anyone. I don't think it's a good idea to come out at school because although my school isn't "homophobic" per se (there are 2 people who are out (in a high school of 500-600), one of whom is transgender and none are bullied at all, although sometimes people talk about them behind their backs) but I am decently high up socially but not very secure and I don't want to alienate myself at school by coming out... My school is big on really moulding yourself to fit in, and sticking out in any way is generally frowned upon socially. It's a school which preaches "liberal views" and "creativity" and "being yourself", but is only like that on the surface, breeding a very cookie-cutter culture underneath. I love my tight group of friends but I'm not sure how comfortable they would be having a bi friend... We've never breached a topic like this and I'm afraid of bringing it up in case it makes them suspicious. I don't even know how I would bring it up.

    Also, there's a girl I'm interested in who I suspect might also be bisexual, but I don't feel close enough to her to ask and I don't want to scare her off if she isn't. There's other girls in the school I think are attractive, and I, of course, have no way of knowing if they're anything other than straight either. And I know that if I don't have the bravery to come out, why or how should anyone else, but I just feel like if in a high school of almost 600 students only 2 are anything but heterosexual and cisgender, I don't want to be the one putting myself out there and paving the way, especially being in the younger end of the high school.

    I'm not sure what to do from here... I don't want to hide being attracted to girls but can't exactly "come out" either, as I haven't settled upon a label for myself and I've never even had a proper experience with a girl. I want to have the chance to hook up with and date girls but I can't do so if I don't have the bravery to come out. I feel alone and stuck and don't really know who to talk to or what to do.

    Thank you for reading!
     
    #1 habitsarelow, Aug 30, 2014
  2. joeltlou

    joeltlou
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2014
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    All but family
    At my school I remember a guy coming out and my year was chasing him around and taunting him. I couldn't believe it I didn't think people at my school were like that, but hey... 2 years later I considered coming out as bisexual. I was also well on the popularity scale and pretty much knew most of the people at my school, younger years and older. Referring back to the guy who was taunted and chased around while he cried, I was wondering whether or not I should come out. But I just did it, regardless of what people did, I just thought if it's really that big of a deal, this coming out to friends will show me who my real friends are and who isn't. I'm totally cool with having 1-2 REAL friends, I don't need a huge group to hang around in and I don't need to consider myself popular to be happy. As long as you have at least one real friend that's all that matters. So I came out, and nobody cared. So it can go well without you expecting it, I guess it just depends on who you are. The guy who was chased around was very flamboyant and boisterous at the same time so was kind of a prime subject to be exposed to bullying to some degree.

    I'm still discovering my sexuality. I believe I am bisexual but I am considering the chance of actually being gay. The thought of not being able to be with a wife and kids is what really gets to me and gives me anxiety and makes me feel slightly depressed for short periods of time. I just remind myself, no matter who I am I will be proud of myself because that's all that matters, as long as you are happy with who you are on a natural basis then who the f*ck is anyone to not be proud of you for being you. My dad is homophobic, I did a "fake coming out" to him, and his reaction was "WHAT? I mean... It's okay if you are, I don't mind". And I was just like no dad I am kidding. That was 3 years ago, not came out since just because I don't feel the need. I will find living with him a bit awkward if he knew I liked guys too, but that's up for debate. My brother is homophobic too, he does not agree with homosexuality. He popped up to me a few months ago on facebook asking if I was gay, I said I was bisexual and his reaction was
    "ur semi bi
    ull get disowned by the whole family and burnt at the stake
    and a prayer shall be passed
    for ur soul wen it goes to
    HELL!!!!!!
    Lmao"
    As you can tell he took quite a joking approach, but at the end he just said he will not treat me any differently and he still loves me just as much as before.
    Regardless of all expectations, life can be strangely beautiful when you least expect it. I know coming out to parents is a hard thing, I would of came out to my mother sooner if she was still with us, but she isn't, and I don't feel comfortable with my dad knowing just yet. Just tell them when it feels right, don't feel pressured. But just be proud of who you are, because there is no reason to be ashamed, because you were made this way and you are a perfect example of you, a great human who is loved by many people, truly, and coming out will only help you see that when you have people stick by your side regardless of their own beliefs (if they are homophobic) and stick by your side if they just don't mind.

    Life is a journey and you have to find a way to be 100% yourself, you need to find happiness and to be totally free.

    A guy made out with me at a party (the first person I made out with), he didn't know I was bisexual at the time, but he came onto me and I accepted it. So as for wanting an experience with a girl but you cannot because you are not "out", just ask that girl if she is bisexual. You could say it like "I heard that someone said you were bisexual, I was just wondering if that was actually true or not", or something... I'm open about my sexuality, a stranger could come up to me and ask and I would tell them. Maybe you should try get closer to her, start up some conversations or something, and then when you're friends you could ask her. It's no big deal, if you want to know and she's willing to tell, just give it a shot!

    And never feel alone, sexuality can be a very scary thing. It's so hard to put your finger on exactly what sexuality you are, and so many people struggle with it and it makes them feel depressed, alone and gives anxiety... you name it. It can really suck, but just remember most homosexual individuals have to go through this, some know from an early age that they are gay, some struggle with accepting it or finding their true sexuality till the day they die. Just experiment when you can, give it a lot of thought, be proud and remember the LGBT community loves you and all your true friends and family love you no matter what. If you want to talk to me when you feel lonely I will be more than happy to talk about whatever you want to.

    Have a nice day.
     
    #2 joeltlou, Aug 31, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2014
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)