:help: So I'm pretty confused about my sexuality and need help. This is my first post on here and I'm pretty nervous putting anything about me here but everyone seems to be very supporting and I just feel all alone in this. First off, I'm 17 and I grew up in a very christian environment. When I was 13, I moved to America and I was still ignorant about sexuality and what not. It was not until freshman year of high school that I learned that you could be gay,lesbian,bisexual etc. I always just thought you could be straight. I started to have a huge crush on this guy who was transgender and I thought it was completely okay but everyone told me I was bi because the person was born a female. My mother hated the whole relationship because it was a sin for me to be with a "girl" but I saw the person as a guy because that's what he identified as.We ended up breaking up btw. I think after that, I did realize that I was attracted to both genders but I don't really know if I'm really attracted to guys. I've had many crushes on guys (at least i think, I did) and the crushes that I did have on girls, I didn't really acknowledge because it made me feel uncomfortable with myself. The older I got, I tried to accept myself but instead, I just prayed every night to be straight and for my attraction for girls to disappear. I've dated many guys who were very nice but I was embarrassed to be with them and it didn't really feel right to me but it was what every girl did and is "supposed" to do so I did it as well. I've kissed both guys and girls and I've also had sexual experiences with both and girls just seem to do it for me. The last person that I was with was a guy and when I saw him naked, I just could not look at him and was so turned off. I was not in any way attracted to him. I don't even know how to put everything I feel into words. I've had emotional attractions to guys but I just don't like being physical with them. Isn't that weird? How do I even explain that to someone? Like I think I'm gay because girls do turn me on and make me nervous and give me little butterflies but I also get butterflies with guys and idk. I just feel like something is wrong with me because how can you like girls both emotionally and sexually and only like guys emotionally??? How does that even happen? :bang: Another thing is that all the guys that I have been attracted to in the past have all looked feminine with makeup and just look liked girls in general or were androgynous and it just makes me wonder if I'm bi as well cus they're technically guys. I just don't know. Also I can't see myself marrying a girl and I wonder if I'm just in denial of being gay or afraid that my mom will hate me because she's a homophobe and I think that life would just be easier being straight. I would really like some insight on this because i don't have anyone else to go to about this. Thanks in advance. :help:
firstly nothing you said sounds weird in anyway so dont worry, you was bought up thinking that is who you should be ( straight ) and guys are who you like, which for some people it takes longer to find themself because of what we are told is " socially acceptable and the only and right way to be" you are romantically attracted to guys but romantically and sexually attracted to girls. im not sure on the label tbh ( not a huge fan of labels ) but it is normal you can feel emotionaly attached to a guy but emotionaly attached and pyschically attached to women.
If you're sure that you get turned on by girls, but not by guys, you are likely a lesbian. It's not odd or unusual to feel emotionally attached to someone, but not sexually attracted to them, or for that matter, to confuse emotional attachment or liking the attention with sexual attraction when you are in denial. I had very similiar thoughts when I was a teenager, and I remember how confusing and anxiety producing it was. I know it's difficult for you now, but you might want to work on cultivating some self-acceptance and worry about your mom's reaction later, preferably when you are no longer living with or dependent on your parents. It might be "easier" to be straight and marry a man in some respects, but you're bound to get frustrated if you aren't really attracted to him. Furthermore, he will likely sense your lack of enthusiasm at some point, which will likely hurt him as well, something you're not going to want if you care about him. Just some things to think about.
Thank you both for the responses. I'm very happy to get some insight on this. I'm sure that I'm 100% attracted to girls seeing that I've been pushing the feelings away for some time now but it also sucks that I can have feelings for guys because it would be very hard for a guy to date someone who will not have sex with them, much less be attracted to them. I guess for now, I'll just have to try and accept that this is who I am. I hope one day I can be comfortable with myself. It's just tiring to hate myself this much for something that I'm not in control of.
