Another sexuality rant

Well, here's a post by another person wishing for others to advise them on their sexuality. I'll do the soul pouring out thing, you guys can maybe do a bit of advising? I often find myself asking the "Am I gay? Am I bisexual? Straight, maybe?" question. Anyway, this might be a long post, apologies?

Let me just describe the past month (a life history might be rather tedious). Masturbation wise (I'm a rather "proper person", so I'll apologize, again and just this once, for "icky! words". Moving on...), my last three were to a guy I used to know but recently hung out with at a party. Nothing happened: he has rather horrible alcohol tolerance, so spent most of the night passed out. However there was a moment when we were both half unconscious on a sofa, when I thought, yes, he seems attracted to me, and I to him.

Although these three masturbations weren't completly to him, as is often the case. I try to think about him, but it's not enough, at which point thinking of that girl at the party who I was also attracted too helps. But then that's not enough either, so I go to lesbians (which for me is a classic go-to, and has constituted more than half of what I usually think about. Why lesbians? I'm not sure). I then think back to him, and... job done. All three are similar, although third time around, my thoughts wandered to my ex girlfriend, and I finished not to me being with this man, but to him being with a woman.

So, all that's confusing. And that's often how things are. Last month, I was attracted to three seperate woman (don't know why so many... warm summer weather?). Which means two things: a) I think about them while I get off (again, in a wandering fashion), and b) I "fall in love" with them, which means going to sleep and waking up in a daze with only us on my mind. But, at the same time, I also felt attracted to men (although no one in particular, party excluded), and feel it's high time I start trying to be with a man, at least to flesh out my sexuality a bit more.

I'll end with this: lots of this is to due to fear. While accepting my sexuality to the extent that I don't repress anything (on purpose), I come from a conservative family. I fear that if I brought a man home, then they'd view me as the flawed, looser of a person I've always suspected that they see. Explaining that I'm likely "somewhere in between" on the sexuality spectrum wouldn't help. Another worry: I fear that being with, say, this man at the party, would invalidate feelings I've had to woman in the past. I do understand that these fears aren't rational, but that's not changed my avoidance behaviors.

Well, that's the lot... for those who stuck through it, my thanks (no need to reply if you did, I'd happily just have this here as a "getting things off my chest" moment).

 

Quem;

Thanks very much for the reply. Yes, I've heard of the Kinsey scale. And yep, I'm aware that I shouldn't rush to find a label, that sexuality is likely rather complicated (not that there's anything wrong with labels). I suppose a part of me feels the need to nail things down, and as a result the endless worry of "labeling" gnaws at me. I'm aware, luckily enough, that I shouldn't look at things this way (even though I still often do). To your questions:

1) Yes, probably.
2) Probably, yes.
3) Not so much past relationships (I've had one serious relationship, but we were both rather open with each other) but past feelings (warning: this might be a long response). I have (and do) put alot of stock into "love", which to me means, as above, going to sleep and waking up in a daze, with just the other person in mind. While I do have these experiences now, I had alot more of them in middle/high school, and they always felt like the pinnacle of what I could feel. There were weeks when I'd rush through the entire day, just for that hour or two in bed with my fantasies.

But I've never had one of these fantasies with a man. I don't know if it's because I'm repressing that possibility. And I sometimes fear that being with a man, I'd somehow realize that "Well, all that back when was a bunch of fluff".

 

Ostensibly, the problem I have is simply a lack of "data" (not to make me sound like an inhuman robot, but taken as a metaphor). I need to go "out there" and experience these things first hand, to put all this into perspective, and then take it from there. Thinking and contemplation only gets me so far. I *am* open to any possibility, so that's good.

I do know some of the above are paranoid thoughts, even when I'm drunk. When I was on that couch, half passed out, the part of me that was still functioning realized both a) I'd be happy being with this person, and b) all these things I've felt in the past are *not* just fluff, and that it's not a contradiction to both love someone of the same sex, and of the opposite sex.

But do I think this sane-lly most times? No, usually I worry. Well... point is to make progress and worry less. Anyway, thanks again.

 

I guess yes, I should accept the possibility of "fluff" (it's a bit weird typing that word over and over...). And after all, the point is not to wax nostalgic about something back when. If I go have a relationship with that person, and be happy, why should I endlessly worry?

But then the other part of me pipes up and says, "I hear you accepting the possibility of them being fluff... but they're not fluff. You remember how you were with so-and-so, you lit up while talking to her, you dreampt of her all night. That ain't fluff".

Sorry, I can write a novel about this, and I can complain endlessly. Possibly I should stop: I do know what I have to do next. Will I do it? Well, baby steps...

 

Yep, thanks for the support, it's good having a place to say things like this. Well, history...

(Although it's not just back then, the "I lite up, dream of her" example was a few weeks ago. Generally though, yes, I do agree that that's not relevent: accepting the possibility of it all being fluff *has* to be on the table.)

Some history: there was never a time when I didn't experience "both parts of my sexuality", if you will, except maybe at the very begining. I started thinking of woman around 3rd ish grade, then to lesbians, and then, cartoon of lesbians! (this was, after all, 3rd grade. I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for my objectification of lesbians). The first time I realized I might have some attraction to men was around that time: one of the cartoon lesbians grew a penis; I liked the addition.

In middle/high school, these attractions were basically non-overlapping. I'd have a day in which I'd feel things for men, and be really worried, followed by a day when I'd feel things for woman, and be really happy. Because my fantasies were so powerful (along with sexual attraction: I had much more of a breast fetish then than I do now), I was able to live with the occasional dread of attraction to men (which, at that time, was not directed to a particular classmate, as far as I'm aware).

Idk, I still define a big chunk of myself by what I did, and felt, in middle school. That includes my ideas in physics (the profession I'm currently a student in), my sense of self (via "adventure fantasies" I liked to make up), and what I fall in love with. I do understand that I shouldn't therefore let that run my entire life...