in my case specifically, does the answer really matter?

It's all about whether you'd like to be honest with yourself or not. If life is just okay but you want it to be great, then you're gonna have to explore all your emotions. But if you are closed to the idea that you will change anything about your life if you find an answer you don't want, then keep living the way you're living. Or maybe you're right and your attraction to women is just "projecting"; I don't know why you started questioning in the first place, so maybe that's an important question to ask yourself. How do you feel about this woman you alluded to?

 

Wow, what an interesting question!

There are a couple factors in play: self understanding and happiness (let's put aside possible fear or latent self-judgment for this conversation, since you've only implicitly mentioned those).

As the wandering one points out, you gain self-understanding by knowing your sexuality; if that's not as important to you as maintaining emotional stability in your marriage (individually and/or as a couple), then that's a point against self-exploration along this dimension. Some believe the unexamined life is not worth living; others believe ignorance is bliss. You'll have to figure out which camp you fall into.

Now on happiness, the question is a little confused, since it *sounds* like you're happy now (in other words, it *sounds* like not only do you love your husband, and will likely continue to do so, but you also don't have strong feelings that you're missing out on anything really important...although one does wonder why this question is preying on your mind so much if that's the case). If so, that's great, and that's another point against self-exploration...why rock a stable boat? But...my experience, and those of most bisexuals *I've spoken with* (and that's a sizeable number, but hardly a majority) is that as a bisexual gets older, their interest/urge toward the sex they don't have access to (assuming they're not indulging in both) increases.

So basically, it's possible that this gnawing at the back of your brain could become a full shout at some point, and then possibly more than a shout...and at that point you may have to scramble to do the self-exploration on a different timetable than you have available now. To be crystal clear (for the sake of those who have a hard time with the idea of "could"), I'm not saying this *will* happen...just saying it *could*...and that if it does, you might be glad to have explored this already and perhaps already talked over with your husband how he feels about the whole thing and/or what options might or might not be on the table.

The downside to the self-exploration (since I only really implied it) is that it's possible that scratching at this itch, examining your sexuality, could bring about these yearnings sooner...or at least make you more aware of them.

If you decide to expend energy to dig into this (now or later) I would recommend that you find a good therapist who specializes in sexuality (preferably one who is well-versed or specializes in bisexuality)...it's always good to have a knowledgeable person help you thread your way through complex issues and explorations like this...especially since you mention some complicating factors like your religious background, not being sure whether this is really attraction or just identification or compassion, etc.

At any rate...I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts and what you decide for now...but good luck no matter how life twists and turns for you!

 

Yes...being attracted to your husband is a *huge* plus in talking with him...that is awesome.

More delicate a problem than him believing or accepting you is that I've known a number of married bisexual women whose husbands, on hearing of their wife's bisexuality, started getting all excited about the possibilities of threesomes...one went so far as to bring a female co-worker home as a "surprise" (you can guess how that went over, sheesh). This just gives you a notion that there's more to convey than simply that you are bisexual...be assured, there is a *lot* of communication in your future!

But *fabulous* that you think he'd be accepting!! Another huge plus.

On breadth of sharing...that's one we all deal with, and bisexuals have more options (typically) than homosexuals. My parents, for instance, know that I have a female partner...*have* had a female partner for the past 28 years in fact...they love her and treat her as part of the family, which is awesome. We're both bisexual (though monogamous thus far)...but my parents know much less about this: we've said it, here and there, both directly and indirectly...but they seem not to hear it, and get a bit uncomfortable about it. I find that odd, since they are about the most loving, open-minded and accepting parents anyone could ask for...so we've just not pushed this form of understanding. Everyone in my family (and at work and in much of the community) knows I have a female partner...but most don't know I'm bisexual. It's not that I'm closeted (I don't care who "finds out", and I do correct people who assert that I'm a lesbian...but again, it's information most don't hear, and when they do hear it, it doesn't seem to stick...must be the irrelevance).

It's a shame you're not in a position to accommodate therapy...t'would be a great help...but we're not too bad either *smile*.

And your step one sounds perfect to me...basically if you've come out to yourself (and it sounds like over this afternoon, you have?), then it's not too early to think about how to come out to him. Have you thought how it would feel to say (or how he might react to hearing) something like "y'know, I've always found women's bodies really attractive?" Or maybe (to be more subtle) if he ever comments on a particularly hot female, adding your own opinion? Of course if he doesn't ever do that, then that's a bad option. Anyway...just some openers for thinking.

 

My pleasure.

Hey, timing is critical. In my life, there's no time like well-planned in the near future! But the fact is that we all do what we can as we're able. If you'd been capable of talking to him tonight, you would have.

My impression is that you'd like to continue to live a heteronormative lifestyle even *after* you talk to him...so that reasoning doesn't ring quite right. I suspect that to some extent, coming out to him will be making a final declaration *to yourself* that this is the case...it'll be saying it out loud. And that feels a bit monumental, maybe?

But I think you could be imbuing the conversation (as you envision it) with more weight and meaning than it absolutely would need to have. Especially if he is supportive of LGBT rights and causes, then he should have no trouble with learning this about you...and you can/should reassure him that nothing has changed...you're still the same person...he just knows something more about you now. So treating it casually as information could be a reasonable way to go.

But *if he dismisses it*, remember two things:
(1) You don't have to let him dismiss it. This is real, and it's a part of you...I don't think he would dismiss it...but if he did, you have every right to assert it more seriously and let him know how important it is to you.
(2) If he's not actually fully accepting (as in "fine in theory or for a friend, but not for my wife"), he may have a *need* to try to dismiss it. The first stage of grief is denial...but if you keep pressure on (not necessarily in that moment, but over time), he'll move on to other phases. Again, I don't predict stages of grief, given what you've told me...but if there's grief, that's stage 1...if it happens, it can help just to realize this...it's not you; it's him.

On the notion of you having brought this to the surface...it doesn't sound to me like you dredged this up: it *came* to the surface. Again, we all deal with these issues when and as we can. But don't blame yourself (I heard a tinge of self-blame in there)...you are bisexual through no fault of your own (no fault of anyone/thing's, actually, as it's not a fault), and so it was simply in there for you to discover. And yeah...the one thing about burying what uncover is that it tends to come back next time with a vengeance.

There was a thread a while back by a guy who was lamenting not coming to terms with being gay until he was in his 50's, despite having always *kinda* known, and trying to come to terms in his 40's and deciding to bury it at that point. My response to him was to advise giving himself a break...we deal as and when we can...but that I guessed that in his 40's he lamented not doing something about it earlier; I advised that if he finds himself capable of coming to terms *now*, it might be a good idea to do so and save his 60-year old self some serious turmoil and regret.

So same advice to you...if it needs to be dealt with, it's going to be dealt with, now or later. So if you find yourself capable of doing that dealing (which isn't 100% straightforward, given your health and energy concerns), it might be kind to your future self to do it now. And if it turns out that you're not capable now, then when you are that future self, give this past self a break, because you genuinely weren't able to deal earlier.

 

Hey, congratulations! That is huge!

Sounds like an awesome starting place. I can believe the lack of verbal response...not only is he male (sometimes an indicator of fewer words), but he was probably more than a little confused, trying to work out what this really means and/or why it was important for you to say if it wasn't going to change anything.

You should give yourself a warm pat on the back for managing this so quickly and with such initial success!

What are the barriers for you of thinking of your sexuality like you would think about anything else about yourself?

 

Wow, your story almost sounds like mine. I'm not planning to change my marriage, either. I suppose that makes it easier to have the "talk", I don't have a crush on anybody and no burning desire to be single again.

With us it came up as more of a general talk about our sexuality -- we've been married long enough for desire to be an issue, and he had his own quirks that he wanted to explore. Things have actually been better than ever between us since we discussed it openly.

I came on here afterwards to explore this side of me more. My motivations for exploring this are simply feeling more comfortable with my sexuality and myself, even if I never have a sexual relationship with another woman.

I also think denying it to myself has been preventing me from maintaining friendships with other women, because there was always this subconscious block whenever I got too close. So I'm hoping it might make it easier to acknowledge it.