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First post, so many questions (confused and depressed?)

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Anongirl123, Sep 6, 2014.

  1. Anongirl123

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    Warning – this post might run long. I’m a new member to this site (just found it a few weeks ago), and this is my first post ever. I wasn’t even sure where to post this question – I’m not even sure if it’s a single question – because I have so much that’s eating me up inside. For all I know, this may even be my last post. I don’t really intend on frequenting these forums much, but I just don’t know where else to turn to. I would never say any of these things to anyone in person. I like the idea of a forum in particular because it seems so anonymous. Hopefully someone out there on this site could offer me some clarity or advice? If you read this whole mess of mine, thank you in advance.

    A little background I guess. I’m an 18 year old female. I’ve started to come to the conclusion that I might be gay (as of very recently only), for several reasons. All my life, I knew I was ‘different’, but I just didn’t understand how. I knew that the way that I felt about guys was different from my female friends. I could find a guy attractive and say “he’s hot”, but everything else – being emotionally attracted to guys and wanting to go on dates with them – was so weak. I haven’t had a crush on a guy since the sixth grade, when I had zero understanding of relationships.
    Growing up, the thought that I might be gay never really crossed my mind at all. I think there are several reasons for this. The main one is because from a very, very young age I’ve been completely turned off from relationships.
    I’m not very touchy feely. I don’t like to cuddle with people. The thought of ever having an intimate relationship with someone seems so impossible right now. In a way, when the thought that I might maybe, possibly, conceivably be gay passed my mind a few months ago, I thought that I just had daddy issues and none of it was real. I still don’t know if my intimacy issues, especially towards men, are because of that.

    I’m getting off track though. Long story short, I’ve started to wonder if I’m gay. I think I might be. I can see myself being in a relationship with another girl. The thought of being in a relationship with a girl seems exciting, while the idea of a relationship with a guy has always seemed a little dull. The idea of being open and intimate with anyone is still pretty unappealing for me, but it just seems less unappealing with someone of the same gender. I still feel somewhat sexually attracted to guys though, which has led me to wonder if I’m just bisexual.

    Anyways, over the last two months or so, I’ve become extremely withdrawn from my friends and family because I’m dealing with all of this. A part of me wishes I never really confronted these issues at all, but now that I’ve started, I know I can’t go back. A part of me went through a big denial stage, because the thought of never having that typical white-picket fence relationship with a guy was sad. I guess I thought "shouldn't I want a guy who will protect me and take care of me? Don't I deserve that?". The initial answer was yes, but I can't help but feel like if I did settle down with a guy, something would be missing. I know it's sad, but I guess when the thought that I might be gay crossed my mind, I almost accepted internally "ok, I'm gay. That means I'll never get married and I won't have kids. I'm ok with that." Those things have always made be feel somewhat uncomfortable, and I guess the thought of doing them outside of a 'safe', socially acceptable reference frame seems like too much to bear. It's almost like, if I'm going to do these stereotypical things (despite the fact that I hate weddings and I'm not even very maternal), I would only do them with a guy because it looks "normal".

    In spite of all that, there have been a few questions/concerns in particular that have come up in my mind, and I’m having a lot of trouble figuring them out. Sorry if they don't seem very related to one another.

    One – If I come to the conclusion that I’m bisexual, I have to ask some bisexuals out there – how do you choose which gender to ultimately settle down with? I’ve heard a lot of horror stories of bisexual women who settle down with women only to eventually crave the “normalness” that having a strong, husband-figure and stereotypical family would bring her. I’ve also heard horror stories of bisexual women who marry men and are left with “what-if” feelings for the rest of their lives. Is this always the case? Is it unavoidable?

    Two – and this is one of the biggest ones. While I find younger women attractive, I can’t ever imagine finding a woman over the age of 40-45 ‘attractive’. I know, it sounds absolutely awful and shallow of me. I’m terrified I’ll always feel this way though. Right now, the thought of having a relationship with another girl sounds great, but after the age of 40, I feel this weird sort of discomfort. A part of it is because I feel like seeing older gay couples is stranger than seeing older straight couples. Is that totally messed up? I don’t know why young gay couples look more normal to me. I don’t like the idea of being “those two sixty year old lesbians”. I feel like being married to a guy once I reach the age of 40 would look a lot more normal and socially acceptable. Furthermore, even though I find younger women just as/more attractive than younger guys, I do unfortunately fall prey to the stereotypical thinking that older women have kind of “lost it”, while older guys have that 'sophisticated' look going for them. Note: this is strictly physical, not emotional. Will these feelings go away? When I get older, will I find myself attracted to people the same age as me? I know I’m only 18, so is all of this temporary? I really hate the idea that these feelings may be permanent.

    Three – I feel like even if I did magically come to fully accept myself tomorrow, I still wouldn’t want to come out for one reason. It’s not my family necessarily, because I live in a very liberal area and we’re not religious at all. It’s mostly my friends now, and most importantly, my future friends. I’m terrified that straight girls won’t want to be friends with me anymore, not just now, but in the future for the rest of my life. Yes, I know most people nowadays can confidently say “sure, I’d be friends with a gay person the same gender as me”, but is that really true? Would they ever want to be close friends with a gay person of the same gender? I’m worried there would always be that sense of awkwardness, like they’d think I’m trying to hit on them. Obviously that’s not true, but it makes me sad to think that if I came out, it would have such a negative impact on being able to make friends with other women (especially since 95% of my closest friends now are all extremely straight girls – who I feel absolutely nothing for, by the way).

    So, those are the three biggest issues for me right now. I’m sorry if this post was so long. I’m also really impressed if anyone bothered to read to the end (if so, thank you!). I’m just so conflicted and confused right now. I don’t even know if I am gay to be honest, and if I am, it seems like that’s only the start of so many other questions. This has all been very depressing for me, and I do feel myself becoming withdrawn. I’ve always been the kind of person to live in my head, but it’s happening now more than ever. Even my sister – who is my best friend – has noticed, and she gets mad at me for that. She's always getting annoyed with me saying "why aren't you talkative anymore? What are you doing online?" etc. etc. She obviously has no idea I'm dealing with this now. I just don’t know what to do. How did you really know you were gay? Do you have to date someone of the same or opposite gender to really find out? Hopefully someone can read this mess of word vomit and give me some nugget of wisdom from it.

    If anyone made it through, thanks so much.
     
  2. AsheTheHuman

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    First off, I'm sorry your family has discouraged you from exploring your sexuality or relationships. Now then, I don't think there's any one surefire way to tell that you're gay. It's something that changes over time and can't be controlled. Sexuality and gender are both fluid, meaning that they change and morph and don't usually stay the same throughout a person's entire life. I've never been in a relationship with anyone before, but I've know for a long time I'm pansexual and pan romantic and I feel pretty confident in that. I don't feel like I have the knowledge needed for your first question, but as for number two, I've NEVER found older people attractive. However, that's starting to change as I too grow older. I can't imagine that it won't change for you as well even if just a little. Three you've just got to realize that while that may happen, it's not very likely. How many straight girls don't like to be just friends with straight guys because of the reasons you listed? Just be open and honest with them and tell them you're not interested in any of them. Maybe even play it off like a joke? And it's really best not to hide from this. Trust me. I went through a short period while all I did was hide in my room and draw all the time after school. And at school I was miserable and filled with anxiety. Coming out as pansexual was a huge relief, and I plan to come out as agender before that crushing feeling starts hitting me again. I hope I could be of help!
     
  3. Quem

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    I did read your entire story, and I'm also a bisexual.

    I don't even think about that. I don't care whether the person is a man or a woman. I don't get sexually attracted easily, but I can once I get to know someone, once I am more familiar with someone. That's why I call myself a bisexual demisexual if I want to specify it.

    Unfortunately, those things may happen. There are a lot things that could end a marriage, as you know from others. The what-if feeling might pop up. However, this might also be the case for someone who is straight. "What if I had another partner?" Questions like these happen regardless of one's orientation.

    Well, you are 18, your point of view might be completely different when you are that age. I wouldn't worry too much about this. :icon_wink

    I think these feelings are not permanent at all. I wouldn't want to date someone who is 50. But if I'm 50 and single, the answer would likely be completely different.

    Hey, accepting your own orientation is not the same as coming out. :icon_wink Don't worry about that.

    True friends stick together. A friend came out to various persons (including me), and none of them changed their attitude. It didn't change a thing.

    Of course I would. If you are straight, does it mean you can't be friends with guys? That they think you are constantly hitting on them? There might be some tension sometimes, but that's not a big deal. True friends know who you are and don't shy away because you happen to be not straight.

    Everyone is unique. Some date others to find out, but some don't need that.

    I knew who I was, but I needed some advice to find the right labels. Remember, however, that some people do not prefer labels. You don't have to use them if you don't want to.

    Cheers,

    Quem
     
  4. Michael

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    One - Gender is irrelevant to me. It is like buying a laptop because its color. I'm interested on what is on the inside. It is not a hardware question, but a software question. The qualities I want from my future partner are genderless.

    Two - Hmmm... To each their own I guess. Probably your point of view about this will change as you grow older, I don't know. Society seems more tolerant to men growing old, they want the women to keep young forever. Again, to me what is on the inside it is what counts.

    Three- Friends is the word we use for people that accept us as we are, that selected few (3 or 4). The people we don't feel like sharing secrets with are called "acquaintances". You can check each and everyone to see how they would react if you told them, but to come out of the closet is your decission.

    About the horror stories you've heard, I've heard them too. The pressure on women (or human beings born with female genitalia) is huge. Some women just felt like they have to prove themselves by "catching a man before it is too late", and they spend an incredible amount of time and energy to do that (mindgames, make up, tears, drama...) , instead of really taking care of themselves - Study, be financially independent, enjoy doing what they love the most, or just exploring all life's possibilities...

    Whatever you chose, you'll wonder "what if"... There is no "perfect decission". What you'll regret is all that you wanted to try but didn't dared.
     
  5. FortunateSally

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    You sound a lot like me ten years ago. I waited all this time. I actually found it really illuminating to watch more media with lesbian characters. Sarah waters mini series, the l-word, lip service etc. It made the idea of being with a woman more real to me. I had sort of a trigger crush, so to speak after that but for me... The idea of being gay was always something that was ok for others but I couldn't really envision myself there. I knew I wasn't connecting with men and I also knew that for some reason I had these intense friendships with women.. And noticed women's bodies and features more than men but I still was watching myself from the outside looking in. For some reason becoming friends with these real characters in books and tv, movies etc helped make it relatable for me. Maybe try that first and see if your local college/university has an lgbt chapter. Often they will let non students in for support if there's no official lgbt center in your town. Meet other people. You might not connect romantically with anyone involved but it would help you network and go to parties, events etc. Good luck. I know this is a mind fuck. I wish I'd explored more at your age instead of burying it.
     
  6. Anongirl123

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    This - hit the nail right on the head. I think this a spot on description of how I feel (the whole looking in thing, and how being gay is something ok for others but not something I could envision for myself). I couldn't put it more eloquently. I actually just finished watching orange is the new black, and seeing so many funny, confident lesbian characters helped me feel more comfortable about this. Prior to that, the only gay characters I'd seen on TV were on Glee (and let's be honest... it's a little bit of a caricature, and they usually milk things in the cheesiest way).

    Thanks for everyone's awesome responses! :slight_smile: I know I'm just at the beginning of figuring this stuff out, but I know a forum like this will help immensely.