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Too old to be confused?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by lezgetweird, Sep 6, 2014.

  1. lezgetweird

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Bear with me, this is going to be long:

    I knew I liked girls when I was in kindergarten. There would be this game where boys would chase all the girls around and if the girl was caught, the boy would kiss her. I was always jealous of the boy. Most of my sexual fantasies growing up were about girls, but it was so ingrained in me that a relationship was boy + girl that I just assumed everyone had those thoughts. I grew up UU and in a very open, tolerant household (my mom is bisexual) and there was a major focus on LGBT equality so I never felt like I had to "come out" since I would end up with who I would end up with. When I was 12, I took sex ed and learned about the Kinsey scale, which is when I first told people I was bisexual and that I wasn't on the heterosexual end. I was being severely bullied around this time and one of the things I was teased about was being a lesbian and "staring at girls" so I ended up repressing that side of me and living the "straight life" for awhile while continuing to be fascinated by girls and all things lesbian. I feel ashamed that I even suppressed it because I was in such a loving, tolerant community with my family and church. I ended up going to an all-girls high school and had zero crushes on guys during this time, even though I did interact with them through music and theatre. I however did have the thing where I would fixate on other girls and convinced myself it was because I admired them or wanted to be like them without acknowledging that I wanted to be WITH them.

    Of course, college would have been the perfect time for me to let loose and get with a lot of girls, but my self-esteem was incredibly low and I rebelled at the idea of letting anyone see me naked. I made out with a few guys and didn't date anyone, guy or girl. I hooked up with girls but always had the "excuse" of drunkenness. Now all the signs seem so obvious and I feel stupid for remaining closeted to myself for such a long time. I was still going along with bisexual but VERY on the down-low (I put straight on my online dating profiles and didn't correct people who assumed me to be straight), but after college I went on a grand total of two dates with guys and when they kissed me, I pulled away. I didn't date any women because I was struggling with the idea that nobody would ever want to date me and I guess it was just easier to date someone I didn't see myself having a future with.

    About a year ago, at age 23, I finally came to terms with the idea that I might be a lesbian and then I sort of ended up with a crush on a guy (I'd only had one other crush on a guy in college). So it is possible for me to have a crush on a guy, but the idea of having sex with them just doesn't appeal to me. I semi-came out earlier this year by telling my mom not to expect me to end up with a guy and have babies, but I'm still reluctant to tell people I'm a lesbian because a)I feel stupid for being closeted to myself for so long, b)I'm still somewhat confused with my identity because I do see myself with only women, but I have had a couple instances of liking guys (like how does a Kinsey 5 label oneself?) and c)I did lie about having sex with guys to "fit in" even though I've never had sex with one. It would be so embarrassing to admit that I lied to my friends about it and that they can't trust me. Is it weird to be so old and still a little confused? I'm 24, so is it normal to suppress sexuality for so long despite living in an accepting environment? Like I could understand if I grew up in a very strict Christian household, but in a family where diversity was encouraged and expected? Can childhood bullying really have that big of an effect?
     
  2. NatWheeled

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    There's no shame in how long it took you to come to terms with it. I'm 27 n only came to terms with being lesbian this year. There are others here who didn't figure it out til they were in their 40s. Even if you live in a liberal environment, heterosexuality is still "the norm".
     
  3. FortunateSally

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    No shame in it. I feel shame too. I also grew up in an extremely liberal home, one of my siblings is trans, but compulsory heterosexuality is the norm so it still can and does happen. Chin up. At least you weren't like me and married with a kid before you finally wanted to explore it in depth.
     
  4. TheStormInside

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    Right now, you sound a lot like me.. I've been thinking I'm a "Kinsey 5 Lesbian," as well. I have had a couple crushes on guys and sometimes find them attractive, but the idea of intimacy totally puts me off. On the other hand my feelings toward women are like those explosive fireworks that everyone was always talking about but I never "got" before.

    I was not raised in a liberal environment like you, so I can't really speak to that so much. But I can say it is totally possible to suppress feelings for this length of time or even longer (notice I'm 31 and just now figuring this out! There are members older than myself here, too). Childhood bullying can really affect you, too, yes. And I would say if the bullying was about something that you yourself felt insecure about it would likely be a lot more damaging. I went through similar bullying, being called lesbian, except I had never come out as bi or lesbian, had no idea of my own sexuality, but somehow it was either "picked up on" or some grand coincidence. And it seriously affected me a lot.

    I've been nervous about coming out "late" so to speak, but so far the friends I've come out to have been totally accepting. Though I didn't grow up in a liberal environment I live in one now and I think that's been instrumental in my feeling comfortable enough to face these feelings in myself. It's possible people may doubt you but you know yourself better than any of them do, and what does it matter what their opinions on *your* feelings are?

    As for the lying, that's trickier. I don't know if it's necessary for you to really even tell people that you lied about having sex with guys, plenty of women come out after having had relationships with men or even marrying them. If you want to tell them, you can of course, but I don't think it's something you necessarily owe them.
     
  5. confuzzled82

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out to everyone
    Definitely nothing to be ashamed of. It took me until I was 26 to accept my sexuality, and a couple years after that to accept that my gender isn't male. (Still trying to figure out exactly what it is)
     
  6. June Cleaver

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    "NORMAL! ?" Get that out of your thoughts immediately, or be prepared for many more years of unhappiness! Since no two spirits are identical (I used the word spirits because identity/ twins etc do exist, but it is only on the outside) so what is normal,? So many years of my life wasted 12years in fact shunned by all gay men (as I was told I was gay) and I was tired of secret relationships with straight ones which to this moment number 5 is destroying what little bit of my soul is left at over four decades old. So be proud of who you are and embrace yourself and eliminate all
    Who don't accept you and most of all accepted yourself! June
     
  7. lezgetweird

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    Thank you so much for all your responses! You're totally right, heterosexuality is definitely the norm and perhaps since same-sex attraction was so normalized growing up, I thought all "straight" women thought about girls all the time. I'm really working on self-acceptance and it's one of my goals for this year :slight_smile:. Right now I'm going with self-identifying as a lesbian because I just don't feel enough of a pull towards men to go with bisexual.