I label myself as "lesbian" on here because that's how I feel, but I'm always worrying this happened too fast for me to be certain. To condense my first post on here: I'm 27 and I've been chronically ill for 10 years, my thoughts of sex and attraction were basically none. I had awful experiences with boyfriends - did not want to be touched at all and didn't have any attraction, but I'd not considered attraction to girls, even though I'd often look at them lingeringly, or want to get closer. A couple of months ago a friend asked me about my sexuality, he's known me since school and knows my lack of interest regarding men. When I answered, honestly, that the idea of being with a woman doesn't put me off and I think I'd like it, I started to think about it more. I realised that I could get turned on with thoughts of being with a woman, and I could see a relationship in general, and that a lot of experiences in my life made sense. I kinda excuse my age and lack of thought in this due to the fact I've been so ill, it's like that part of my life has been on hold. I also think it's something I've ignored for a long time. But is just two months too short a time to think it's right? I know I shouldn't be in a hurry to label myself, and I won't just yet, but as I thought I was asexual and I foresaw my life as a "no relationship zone", I am also eager to have the hope that I could actually be with someone in the future. Can one realise an orientation in a short space of time? Kate x
I think so. For me I started questioning and then had a huge crush on a woman (still do!) and that's when I realised. I think you know, but as it's been such a short time, you just need more time to fully accept who you are and then I think you'll feel more comfortable with it x
I think you can. Once you know, you know. Only you can decide to accept that about yourself. I am the same way; I never even had an inkling that I might be gay until I discovered, and admitted to myself that I had an attraction to men only within the past year. The difference is I used to, or at least assumed/thought I was attracted to women until very recently. Since then, my attraction for men has increased, while my attraction for women decreased drastically.
Some people realize it very quickly. ^^ I don't think that makes it less accurate. To answer the title question, I started questioning when I was about eleven, and at fourteen came to the conclusion that I'm a lesbian. So about three years for me.
3 days. Then happiness. Then stress, then a few weeks. Then now. Still unsure. Blargh All is good. You will discover yourself at your own pace and that's fine!
Candide, there are a lot of parallels in our stories. I've also dealt with both physical and mental illness for a long period and so a lot of other things took a "back seat" in my life. It's only been in the past year or so that I started thinking seriously about relationships, which is what lead me to start seriously questioning my orientation and trying to be more honest with myself. I too have a friend who knew about my lack of sexual attractions to guys, that I thought I may be asexual, and he's the first person I came out to as questioning, eventually as "probably lesbian." I've had one relationship with a guy in my life, and there was romantic attraction but no physical desire there. I've been seriously questioning for about six months, but that doesn't count the years in between with moments of realization and denial that have arisen in the past. When I was in high school I had a moment where I realized my feelings for a female friend were "more than friendship," and in college I seriously crushed on another friend but was still somehow determined to not be gay, so I stuffed all of that down for a long, long time. You mention looking at women and wanting to be closer to them... were there any instances in your life that you had crushes on women, or fantasized about them? I think everyone comes to these realizations at their own pace, and so it's perfectly possible that you could realize you're a lesbian in two months. Consider it this way- even if you've only been thinking about it for two months you've been living your life for much longer, and you are able to look both at your current feelings and the sum of your past feelings. So it's not as though you've based this thought process on two months alone but on the result of your life experiences. If you feel you need more time, by all means take it! If the only thing holding you back is that you think it was "too short" of a time period then I wouldn't worry about it too much, though.
I think you and I realized it faster later for the same reason. My disability always separated me from a crowd. I was never asked about my crushes and never really thought much of sex n attraction. Most my "friends" were merely people being polite to the disabled girl. Anybody who did show legitimate friendship never showed more than that. There were times I mistook friendship for something more, though I never acted on it. But the thought that somebody might be attracted to me made me attracted to them, almost out of a sense of desperation. There aren't many who'd date a woman with physical disabilities, so I resolved to give any perceived interested party a chance lol...sounds rather pathetic. Mom even told me, in the kindest way possible, that I might not find a man. I've only come to realize my attraction to women the last year....admit it in the last few months. The realization of my sexuality was kinda sudden, but looking back the process to get here was long, with signs all along the way.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! You have all been incredibly helpful, I can’t even say how much help that was! Please forgive the long post as I reply to some users – but thanks to everyone who replied. EpicConfusion – That makes a huge amount of sense to me! Even though I had a lack of interest in men in person, I thought I had a lot of crushes on men I’d never meet. Actors, musicians, authors. Most of them long gone as my taste in things is classic! But I realised that though I may appreciate them aesthetically and personality-wise (one can really bond with an author, for example, as their thoughts are right there for you to see), I wouldn’t want to be *with* them. I held onto the “Well maybe if I met the right man” for a long time. I had the assumption that I would find a man attractive if he was “the one.” But as soon as I admitted to myself that I was only feeling a connection to men, not an attraction, then I started to find women even more attractive. I allowed myself to view them in that way. It’s quite startling how quickly that happened, actually. TheStormInside –It was such a relief to read your post, to see someone with a similar experience. I think I crushed on women without realising it, or acknowledging it. I have a lot of beautiful female friends, and I often found myself checking them out. I naively put that down to general female jealousy.. you know the “Hmm, she has nicer boobs than me..” rather than “Hmm.. nice boobs”. Plus I loved their personalities and loved being around them. I never fantasised until recently, and I liked what I imagined when I did! I know I’d be anxious and have body issues, I’m only just starting to like my body after years of up and down weight, but I think with a woman I’d be more comfortable. Oddly, I always had this thing at the back of my mind of living a masquerade. Like I was different from all my straight female friends who went ooon and ooon about men. I have no idea how I managed to ignore all that but, as you say, I think we both managed to stuff all that down for a long time. You’re right, the total time is longer than I realise. Many small moments amount to the end result. NatWheeled – It was such a relief to read your post, too. Disability can separate one so much, and mine literally has as I can’t travel far. Mine is one of those “invisible illnesses” with severe exhaustion being my problem, but it still affects how I’m perceived. I totally see what you mean about sudden realisation but a long process behind it. I too dated people (men, at the time!) who asked me out because *someone asked me out!*. But then, urgh, no thank you. I wasn’t disabled at the time, this was pre-illness, but I was the one no-one asked out.. I hope you find the person you deserve, and one you’re truly attracted to. I’d certainly date a disabled woman and I’m sure there are maaany like me!
In regards to your reply, I'm glad I could help. I can relate to 'how quickly things happened' after you admitted it to yourself, because that has happened to me! I've started to become more feminine and have noticed myself subconsciously changing my behavior in small ways (not even trying) since I accepted I'm gay.
I kinda knew i looked at guys differently starting at 13 and i accepted the fact that i was pansexual at 16 so about 3 years
It's interesting, because for me I NEVER thought about my sexuality until I developed anxiety and depression. I think it's because I've always been a bit of a workaholic and I'd never had the time to think about it. Now, that I have to take things easy and I've become very unsure of myself, I feel I need to figure myself out. Before, I just labelled myself asexual and aromatic because I honestly never thought relationships or sex. But, I've realised now that it was because I just wasn't interested in doing these things with a man. Looking over my childhood, I could see that most of my attraction has been towards women, I just didn't consider it as an option. It only took four months for me to realise.
I don't think there has to be a set amount of time in which to realize your orientation. For some it's really quick; others it's really slow. The only thing that matters is if you feel sure about who you are. Give yourself the time to feel sure, and comfortable. Myself...I'd always had crushes on guys; I felt intense sexual and romantic attraction to them. I had a few innocent girl-crushes in college (like "Oh she's so cool/pretty/etc" and drunkenly made out with a few girlfriends but still, pretty straight arrow. But a couple months ago I met a woman at work who started talking to me--she was new and was assigned to the desk next to me; she viewed me as a challenge as she was told I was really quiet. We hit it off right away and within three days I had a raging crush. A few days after that, she was in my bed. I am absolutely smitten with her. Didn't take me long to decide I was bi--about two weeks. But after more time with the lady, I'm a bit confused and am wondering if maybe I'm not really attracted to guys anymore.
Everyone is different. It took me 14 years to start realizing it, but then it took me 5 seconds to recognize that a (girl) crush I was having was different from any (guy) crush I'd had before, so... yes you can know in a short span of time!
I've only been out to myself for a couple of months. I am still in some debate as to whether or not I am truly gay, but as the days go by the fog lifts and it becomes more clear. I lived in denial for a solid 4 years. In that time, there was always a little voice in the back of my head telling me that I was gay. Sometimes, when it would come up...or this one time when a friend, very jokingly, said I was gay...I just shook it off like a wet dog shakes off water. I told myself that it was totally wrong and that I was not that way...that I could choose my sexuality. Oh, how very, very wrong I was! There was a night when I had a dream that I had a boyfriend and that was when I first faced my same sex feelings. The time has come for you to face it and sort things out. Do some soul searching and get in your head for a while. You will find the answers when the time is right.
thanks a ton! I'd date somebody with a hidden disability. I've actually met a woman by accident online a couple months ago and so far its been pretty amazing. I'm in a wheelchair, so my disability is blatantly there for all to see. I can't drive so I don't get out much, and when I do get invited someplace its usually inaccesssible so I can't go. Most my friends are online, gotta love the internet. ---------- Post added 10th Sep 2014 at 09:36 PM ---------- Hey, my first inkling was when I dreamed I was in a relationship with my then best friend...I was 19 and it scared me to death....but I easily dismissed it as an attachment issue...I tend to be very clingy
NatWheeled, the thing about my dream was that it was about nobody in particular. I didn't see a face, but I knew that the character was my boyfriend in my dream. When I awoke, that was when I realized that I was open to having a boyfriend.
Again, thank you for your responses, everyone. You are lovely people. JustJJx – you will indeed get there, I’m sure Elementsroyalty – Yes, that makes total sense to me, too. It must be an aspect of the society “norms” creeping up. My parents are very open-minded and I knew what homosexuality was from a very young age, but I grew up with so much heterosexuality in school. I didn’t consider any other option and I thought I must be frigid for not wanting to be with a boy, unlike all the other girls in my school. NatWheeled – Thank you! Oh that is wonderful, I really hope that relationship develops and works for you! I know I’m not a wheelchair user myself (though I actually hope to use one to travel when travelling doesn't make me so ill) but my best friend is wheelchair bound. I know his hurts, his worries, and I can completely understand how difficult it is. But you’re right, the internet is incredible for meeting new people! Anyone who says that online friendships/relationships aren’t real is frankly an idiot
