Help me figure myself out, please? I don't know if I'm asexual or demi or what.

I'm so confused.

So when I was a young hip tween, all my friends experienced surging hormones and crushes ranging from medium to extravagant. There wasn't a lot of dating at my school, because it was so small and everyone knew eachother since fifth grade, and not a lot of drama. I had tiny, inconspicuous, meaningless crushes from time to time---all on boys--- and these were both fully within my control and based almost exclusively on their availability. Like, "hmm, Ryan doesn't have a girlfriend, maybe that could work." I'm not sure they were "real" crushes at all, it's possible I fabricated them out of boredom, or social expectations.

I was appalled at myself when I found myself noticing and paying attention to my female friends' bodies, and finding them attractive. I never had a "crush" on a girl, though. Just attraction. I was afraid I was a lesbian-- if I was a lesbian, I couldn't marry my dream husband! Oh no! I was 14. :dry:

I've become more enlightened since then (thank god) and more aware of and involved with the LGBT community. I suspected I was bi for a long time, but never got the chance to test that theory, since I never dated anyone. I don't know anymore, though. Since I came to college, I've met people who've told me they are asexual, romantic asexual, pansexual, and going in-between, which I didn't know you could do. One of my friends brought up Demisexuality once, and I was intrigued. I don't know, though. I don't know myself as well as I used to think.

I recognize sexual attractiveness when I see it, and occasionally experience mild arousal when I'm in close contact with attractive people, or people I've "decided" to have a crush on. I've never wanted to kiss anyone, except for the experience of kissing someone. The idea of traditional romance freaks me out and turns me off, but I've always wanted a partner in life. I guess I still have this stupid childish idea of my Dream Husband-- a best friend and co-conspirator, someone whose life could just mesh with mine, and I'd be his gravitational center and he'd be mine, and we'd watch netflix and edit eachother's writing and cuddling and touching wouldn't be weird at all, just second nature. And in these fantasies, it's almost always a man. I sometimes get all hot and bothered around particular women, but in my imaginary dreamworld I don't really see myself with another girl in the long term.

I'm in college now, and suddenly dating a guy for the first time. I don't actually like him all that much. Logically, we should be compatible. He's a writer, I'm a writer, he does LARP, I do LARP, we're both bad at dancing. He's really nice and is deeply enamored of me, according to our mutual friends. The thing is, I think I'm missing something that should be there. The first time we kissed-- my first ever kiss-- I was mildly grossed out and sort of disappointed. He seemed to like it, though. I thought maybe it was just because I wasn't prepared for what it would feel like. We kissed a second time tonight, though, and I disliked it just as much. The taste of another human mouth. The insides of lips and the outsides of lips. Mouth. Tongue. Bleh.

It all sort of happened so fast. First we were dancing and then we were holding hands and then we were talking and cuddling and after a few hours we were kissing. Maybe I just think it's so weird because I don't actually know him super well yet.

Except, I don't find him attractive. I guess I had this subconscious theory that I'd magically BE attracted to someone once I became involved with them, but that's obviously not the case. He's not, by objective standards, a very physically attractive person, but I don't find a lot of people attractive who ARE objectively so.

I've been trying to figure out my sexuality for years. I don't understand it. I like some girls, and some guys. I don't like romance. I apparently hate kissing. I've never tried sex with another person, but to me, it sounds strange and awkward, and I don't really feel comfortable with the idea (in real life, at least). I've had wild internal fantasies about women and men. I've only met 1 person I've been attracted to enough that I'd probably be super cool having sex with, on the bizarre, miraculous off-chance that he'd suggest it. To me, the idea of being with a woman romantically usually seems slightly more awkward than the idea of being with a man.

I don't know if it's just this one guy that I straight-up hate kissing and feel no sense of attraction for. I hope its not. I hope I can fall in love with someone, someday, and kissing will feel normal. I want so badly to be in love. I want so badly to have a partner in life. I'm so confused, though.


Please help me figure this out.