I'm married with kids. I've always been straight but have always fancied the idea of snogging another woman although I've never been in a situation where that's happened. I definitely find certain women attractive (the less feminine ones - I am quite feminine myself), but the idea of doing anything more than kissing I have always found difficult. A couple of years ago, I met a woman at work, who came to work from my office for the day. I remember being fascinated with her and finding her really attractive. At the time, I didn't know she was gay but when we worked together again recently (after not having seen her since 2 years before), she confirmed she was during a conversation. I find myself completely drawn to her and have not stopped thinking about her. We have been out a couple of times recently socially and just chatted (quite personal stuff) but are just friends. Our friendship is still very new so it's not like we have a solid foundation or anything, but I can't get her out of my head! This site seems very supportive and I've spent the last week trying to find a post similar to my situation but have not been successful. I don't know where else to go with this and I hope I've come to the right place. Of course, the other thing is I'm married and if I did anything it would constitute being unfaithful which is not good either. I'm meeting her socially again this week and I can't wait to see her. I've had crushes on other women in the past but none like this. Does anyone have any advice or has anyone been in a similar situation?
It's possible that you can be biromantic, too. That just means you can have romantic relationships with women and men, but you aren't sexually attracted to women. If you think that explains things, you're welcome to look more into it. You don't have to use it, obviously, but it's good to see there are other people like you out there. How about your husband? Can you talk to him about this?
Welcome JB1973. There are many of us here going through or been through your exact situation. Check out "this has never happened before" here in sexual and romantic orientation. It is quite a thread and may give you some insight on your situation. I am married with children. Fell for a gal two yrs ago. My trigger crush. I am here to talk if you need to. I understand the feelings you are having. Just message me.
The thread that DancingGirl suggested is an amazing thread and has really helped me! You will be amazed how many woman are in the same situation as you are. It's so comforting to know you are certainly not alone and we all understand what you are feeling. THIS is the support you need! This has NEVER happened before..
Hi. Thanks so much for your replies. Your support truly is lovely and very appreciated. Nychthemeron, no I can't talk to my husband about this. He is insecure as a person and this would just make problems. DancingGirl thank you for the invitation for a chat, I may well take you up on it once I see how things turn out. I have now read most of the thread that you and waterfall mention (I can only come on here when my husband is not around, so will read to the end when I can) and yes, it's interesting. Writing my post helped to get things off my shoulders a bit because I've managed to not think about this woman quite as much, although I have still had a few sleepless nights over her in the last week. I will be going out socially with her again soon and will see how that goes. I wonder if she knows I fancy her or if she even feels a similar connection to me? She is very popular and I wonder if I'm 'just another' one of her many friends or actually 'someone special'. I really feel like the inferior one in our friendship and at a disadvantage because I'm always waiting to see if she contacts me and am usually the one who makes contact first (which I am really careful not to overdo!). For example, although we have a date in the diary to go out, I would still like to message each other and shoot the breeze etc. before then. She doesn't initiate contact though. May be this is all in my own head aaaggghhh!
It is hard to sort all those feelings out. A word of experience...just slow down and breath for a minute. I know what you are feeling. It is wonderful and scary all at the same time. We all understand the restraints of using a site like this. I am fortunate, my husband works alot.
Thank you DancingGirl. I saw her today. She popped into work rather unexpectedly and sat in on a meeting I was involved with - I think so I knew she was around as there was no other reason for her to be there before lunch time. Then she left before the meeting ended, caught my eye and nodded over to where she would be at lunch time. I met her and we chatted. Then, after lunch, as I left, she asked if I wanted to meet up for a coffee after work. We had a coffee, chatted more and firmed up arrangements for an evening out we already had in the diary (for dinner) next week. There is no sign from her that anything else is going on, but I feel a spark every time I'm with her. One thing I've learned is to go with my instincts and my instincts are telling me that she must be attracted to me otherwise why would she turn up early at work?... I am counting the days until I see her again. I'm trying to take it easy DancingGirl but it's soooo hard when I can't get her out of my head. I feel like a teenager! The only frustrating thing is that when I text her, she rarely engages in replies. I would love to have long text conversations between the times we see each other... I'm trying to not take it personally and trying not to let it mess with my head. If it's ok, I'll update you when more happens...it's just so nice to share all this with 'friends', even though you are all virtual! as I can't talk to anyone in my life about this. I will also check in on any replies as often as I can. I do appreciate any thoughts people have and will see them eventually! Thank you for your support. This site is great x
Hi, At a minimum, I would say she likes you at least as a person and work friend. And as you're going to dinner, could be outside-work friend. If nothing else, that is quite a lot. Did you say she actually told you she was gay? Is so, I would imagine that means potentially something more, right? I mean, why else would you tell somebody that unsolicited? If you'd been talking about relationships, ok, but otherwise? I don't know. I'm sort of making friends with a woman who I know is gay but she doesn't know I know and she made a comment which, if I'd had my wits about me, maybe was her telling me or fishing to see if I was. As I still consider myself as questioning but, really, who am I kidding, I've been trying to think up a good response if and when the opportunity arises. I don't have a crush on her but I do find her quite fascinating. (She's also slow responding to communication. It's probably an age thing. Younger people are probably more likely to reply faster as they're not working, etc.)
I truly understand the feeling like a teenager. I was there once. I have so many things to say but don't know where to start. I guess I want to first ask if you are happily married? I am not and when I met my trigger crush things got out of hand fast. I had no intentions of that happening but the moment we admitted our attraction to each other the game changed. I did things I had not intended. So if this gal does like you, you may want to think about what would happen if she said she felt the same way. Next she may also want you as a friend and believes you are safe bc you are married. That was the mistake my trigger crush made with me. She enjoyed spending time with me and was aware she had a small crush and decided I was harmless and we started hanging out. Then one night after a little weed and some beers we admitted we were very fond of each other. Things got crazy after that. So just step back for a moment and decide what that would really mean. I am not trying to change your mind but I learned these things the hard way and got my heart broken. Just trying to give you some things to think about. Is she with someone right now? My crush was also in a LTR like me. In the end she decided I wasn't what she wanted. It was heart breaking. These feeling you are having right now are blinding and deafening. They certainly were for me. I am glad you are here and looking for support. I waited too long and still feel like I am trying to play catch up with it all. I hope you the best of luck with all of it. It is quite a journey.
Really, thank you for your post. You’ve touched upon some very relevant points. I agree, good friends are hard to come by. It’s just difficult when you fancy the pants off her! She is a lot older than me actually, so your comment makes sense about the texting thing. Re. the gay thing, it came up because we were talking about relationships and she said she had been in a long relationship and had her heart broken. That’s when she told me she was gay. So, DancingGirl, that leads me to my status and hers. She is single and I am married. My marriage does have its problems. It’s weird because I love my husband and he is my best friend. Due to some of the problems between us though, I’ve lost any intimate desire for him (if you know what I mean). The last thing I want to do is hurt him. He knows there are problems and is trying very hard to make things work well so the intimate side of things comes back between us. As for what you say about the game changer, this is something I have thought a lot about. At the moment, things are all superficial in terms of ‘just being friends’. I am aware though that things could/will get very dangerous if/once certain declarations are made. Dangerous because I will have to keep her secret. I could never tell my husband. It would destroy him and he doesn’t deserve that. It’s an awful situation but I don’t think I would be able to resist, at least a kiss with her, if the opportunity arose. It’s incredibly selfish. Not only because of him, but because of her too. I mean, she’s gay, and if we told each other what we felt, she might think I was messing her about because going all the way isn’t something I’ve ever thought I could do with a woman. I wouldn’t want her to think I was a time waster. It’s weird, because I’ve never ever thought about having an affair with a man. During my life, when a relationship is over, it’s over. You don’t have affairs, you end the relationship. However, this is different. I can’t explain it but it is. I am selfish and I feel guilty that all I can think about is her. I should be putting some attention into making my marriage work, especially as my husband is putting all his efforts in trying to make things work better. There's just something about her though...
