This forum was recommended to me by a friend. She said it would be helpful. I am an almost 21 year old male who, for as long as I can remember, has identified as straight. I've only ever felt romantically and sexually attracted to women. I haven't had many girlfriends, and can count the number of sexual partners I've had on one hand. I'm a born again Christian, am heavily involved in my church, live with friends from church, and have little social life outside of the church. Over the last several months, however, things have been changing for me. I stumbled onto a porn website, and eventually found my way into the "Gay" section. And I liked it. As much as it disgusted me on an "intellectual" level, I still couldn't deny how arousing what i was looking at was to me. Soon, I was trawling the internet trying to find more. It came to the point where I all I could get off too was man on man porn. I began to catch myself fantisizing about men, about being treated like a woman. I still am romantically attracted to women, but all the times I had sex with them, even before I found this new side of myself, all the times were mediocre at best. Sex with women just has never done it for me and I always have walked away feeling disgusting. My problem is that I have nothing outside of my church. My family are devout christians, my roommates are leaders in the church; in essence, they are all I have. WIthout them, I am a college dropout working a dead end job, up to his eyeballs in debt, with no car, no plans, two suicide attempts under my belt and arm covered in scars. I'm scared... I know how bad it is to come here and say this, but I don't want to be gay. I don't want to feel this way. I feel too straight to be gay, but too gay to be straight. I feel like a freak, and I'm afraid of what this is going to do to me. I just... I just wanna know what the hell I am...
Hmmmm, I'm not so sure you do. You're not the only one here (by far) who has an issue with his sexuality...so don't feel too bad about saying you don't want to be gay. We generally only get testy when people talk about homosexuality being wrong/bad/dirty/whatever (and even then, not all of us). I'll throw out the obligatory statement that porn is a really bad way to assess your sexuality (i.e., a person can find gay porn really arousing but be straight...fantasy isn't the same as reality). BUT, your real-life experiences with women are more telling...if it's mediocre and you walk away feeling disgusting...well...that doesn't sound entirely straight. But my friend, you are who you are, you like what you like. And your religion does not disdain homosexuality; only your religious leaders. Do you have more respect for them or for the god who made you this way and gave you this chance to experience life? Just something to consider.
Your walk with God has nothing to do with your family, don't conform, be who you are! Stand proud as GOD knows you completely and you are His child too. Don't confuse man's slant of the bible with your walk with God. Now the sexual end is much more complex! Michael left me for a black woman (to a redneck that is as taboo as me) still she couldn't flip his switch like June can! The last man Jesse NEVER had experienced by his own omissions sex so intense. Though he is like you, trying to fix a label on sexual fantasies. Yet again I must be hurt and both straight men lost too! Don't get hung up and hurt too, enjoy life and your walk with God both...June
Not that this is any consolation, but even WITH those people, you are what you are. Except if you stay with them you are also harboring a secret that is clearly eating you alive. I can't imagine how difficult it must be in your situation. I live in New York City and am surrounded by liberal and tolerant people, yet I struggle to accept myself. You've got both the internal and external struggle to deal with. Perhaps there is a way for you to get away from your world for awhile? It seems like your environment is toxic as hell and no place to try to sort out your identity. I don't know enough about your circumstances to be useful but you may want to start planning your escape. As for your sexuality, there's a very good chance you will eventually realize that you are gay. It's going to be a process and will take time, but if you don't prepare yourself for that outcome it's going to get even worse. I wish I could offer some more encouraging advice. But you are in a terrible situation and the only way out is to get out.
